Jesse

Love is the silent saying and saying of a single name.  Mignon McLaughlin

Beautiful Me

 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. -- Isaiah 61:3

Calm self-confidence is as far from conceit as is the desire to earn a decent living is remote from greed. -- Channing Pollock 

There is a trend that has settled so long on the Church that it has become a core belief of religious peoples. It goes something like this:

To think any positive or flattering thing about oneself is pride and, therefore, is a sin in the eyes of God.

There are so many examples of this, but one that I will always remember was some advice given in a girls magazine: "If you look in the mirror and have trouble with prideful thoughts about your appearance, you should get rid of the mirror." And what about the many women who dress in unflattering clothing and cover their head? No form is shown; no beautiful hair is let down; any desire other than a neat, tidy appearance is frowned upon. Men are to guard their thoughts about themselves just as sharply: no thoughts about attractiveness and definitely no thoughts about sexuality. The Amish are especially infamous for their strict guard upon their members; are the buggies too shiny? Could there be a smidgen of pride in the heart of the buggy owner? What about that apron or that hair cut or the roofline of that barn? Is it too different from the others? Could there be pride involved? Some Mennonite groups are also very similar in concept. The examples could go on.

And there is the other side of the coin: people never being content with how they look. People going through surgery to make themselves more attractive. People killing themselves because they are bullied or feel that they are too imperfect for this world. And what about people saying, "I am ugly" or other degrading statements about themselves. One thing all of these groups or individuals have in common is this: they believe they are acting in a meek and humble manner or that it's better/safer/more attractive spiritually to feel negative emotions about ourselves.

Before going on, I feel I must point something out: my thoughts are rarely conclusive these days. My current state is that I seem to always be searching for more answers and deepest truths. That being said, through the years I have seen a disturbing amount of unnatural thoughts and actions resulting from these beliefs and mindsets. I think it's time someone said something about it. Also I wish to digress by stating that I do not wish to judge others for their beliefs. All peoples are free to believe as they will, as long as their beliefs are not harming others. I simply seek to bring love and contentment to this world and I believe part of the change must come through seeing ourselves through the eyes of God.

I am writing from personal experience. Each day I struggle through loathing, self pity, doubt, frustrations, depression, pain... Lately, especially so. My dearest Jesse and my God have been very close to comfort and hold me. But I am learning! I am learning about my humanness and God's omnipotence. I am learning about forgiveness and love. I am learning about what it means for a broken heart to heal. I am learning that it is wrong not to acknowledge the truth. God created you and me uniquely with beauty in mind. When you look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am attractive," it doesn't mean you suffer from a pride filled heart. It can be as innocent as a simple nod to the Creator that he didn't make a mistake when he made you.

I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. -- Psalm 139: 14

 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. -- Psalm 27: 4

The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the grey head. -- Proverbs 20: 29

There are as many verses in the Bible promoting beauty as there are verses warning against it. Where is the balance? There are verses that proclaim God's beauty and many more that tell us of his desire to create humans in his image. What does the Bible say about the image of God? In Ephesians, it refers to the glory of it. Colossians refers to the invisibility of the image of God. Other verses, as quoted above, refer to the marvelous beauty of the Lord. Scholars have discussed this concept a great deal. Most believe that this reference includes the creation of our spirits, souls and personalities, "the mirror image of God's essential nature." My personal belief is that it must be a balance of all: God created us, a human species, to have a certain type of appearance and He created us to have his personality, understanding and wisdom. Of course, all of these attributes work together to create something wonderfully rich in each of us.

Each day that I live and the more people I meet brings me more strongly to a certain realization: every person in the world has fears and insecurities. It might be about their appearance or their personality or people not liking them. There are some who struggle with their imperfections, because they can never be as good as they think they should be. These thoughts lead to depression and frustration; ultimately, unhappiness. All people in the world come from different walks of life: Atheist, Christian, Islamic, Mormon, Seventh Day Adventist, agnostic, Hindu... the list goes on. But the fact of the matter is: we all think we're not good enough.

It is true. We aren't good enough. We aren't nearly good enough. We will never be good enough. But we are perfect. We each have a unique mix of qualities and different opinions. We all have the beauty of true unique perfection. We all deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are. That love and acceptance must start in each heart: God loves you; God thinks you are perfect and beautiful; God wants you to be lifted out of your frustrations and realize your potential.

"Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure." Meister Eckhart

The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. -- Ephesians 5:22

I'm talking about you. How are you going to walk your path today? Are you going to look in the mirror and think how ugly you are? Are you going to miss an opportunity to bring the oil of joy to someone who needs it because you feel insecure? Are you going to selflessly love others? Or will you not be able to do that because you can't love yourself as God loves you?

There is the danger of sin in every aspect of life. We all fall into sin through our humanness. We could concentrate on that and mourn over our foolishness. I know people who can only talk about how sinful they are; they think this attitude is one of meekness. But I personally know others who have risen above the ashes of their pain and confusion to embrace whom God created them to be. You know what the Bible says? God loves a cheerful heart and that we are to rejoice and be glad.

Be happy today. Embrace the beauty that is you. You see, it is a choice.

8 Months Ago...

It seems like yesterday... but also as though we've been together forever. 

Thank you, Lord.

Treasuries of Joy

To my husband:  All the rivers run into the sea, Yet the sea is not full... 

Ecclesiastes 1:7

My love, may you never stop seeking for Truth. May you always search. May your heart yearn for greater understanding.

To my sisters and brothers: I love you.

To life: Be truthful, nature only sides with Truth. -- Adolf Loos


You have thrown and landed some vicious blows but you didn't know something that God did. When you tried to crush me, I found strength. When you left me for dead, Something breathed life into me. When you pumped me full of bitterness, somehow Love crept in through the cracks. There was Truth... I could pull the plug on hate.  

To Marriage: Happiness is like a kiss: you have to share it to enjoy it. -- Bernard Meltzer


All the waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration... yes. But worth it. Worth every lonely night, every longing for someone's arms, each moment aching for true love, all the battles with doubt. Yes! Worth it. I cannot express my gratitude. 

To The Flu I Have Right Now: God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice.  -- John Donnes

Sometimes it's so hard to look past when we're not feeling well or are in an impossible situation. The light is there, though. It might be faint or impossible to see but it's there. Let it strengthen you for better things.

To God: But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more. Psalm 71:14 

I do hope continually. Fear is my greatest fault. I want to live my life in joy without bowing to anxiety. Slowly, I learn. Always, I hope.

...because you asked

Here are some of the pictures our photographer took. I hope you enjoy them as much as we are!

Oldest and youngest. :)

The Holter clan and 2 very happy Twietmeyers. Well, technically at that point I was still a Holter but who cares about technicalities anyway?

Me and my two Mums. Aren't they beautiful, lovely women?

love... love... love... this picture!

Best friends. :hugs:

Odds and Ends... Wedding preparation! Day ... End! :D

Parental Disobedience -- Article

My friend Abigail reposted this on her Facebook... I read it and found myself so encouraged. Sometimes the path God puts us on is difficult and causes me a lot of discomfort. Haha. But in the end, it is all worth it. Every pain and joy. :-) I hope these words of wisdom will cause you to think and be inspired to follow what you know is right in your heart and soul, regardless of cost.

http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/2011/06/when-parental-obedience-brings.html

My Wish For You

May your heart be comforted today.

Jesse played his trumpet today at the Legion Ceremony. My thoughts and prayers were with the fallen and our Creator. Lord, remember our pain and suffering.

Someone lost their little child on May 25th. Lord, we thank you that he is no longer suffering but we ask healing for this family as they wait to join their child.

Let us rejoice this morning in the Love that God has for each of us. Let us not seek to find out His mysteries but rest in peace. 

My Sense of Humor

A friend sent me this list and some of it really made me laugh this morning. I hope you find some humor in it too! More seriously, I hope that it will cause you to think. So much of what we believe is not Truth (and it doesn't matter if you're a Fundamental Baptist or not). I realized quite suddenly this morning how much of this list is still me. I can so quickly judge others. I can so quickly make excuses.

But I also see how far God has brought me. How each step has been made for a purpose... and that is why I can't stop chuckling over some of this.

For the record, if this list offends you, my sincere apologies. I mean to mock no one but myself!

The List So Far -- by Darrell from http://www.stufffundieslike.com/

1. I am right and you are wrong. Always.
2. Unity Means Agreeing With Me That My Pastor Is Right.
3. The less certain something is, the more certain you must appear to be about it.
4. If you cannot win an argument with logic you must simply outlast your opponent. Once he gives up, declare victory.
5. There is no fight that is not worth fighting.
6. The less fun it is the godlier it must be.
7. Women’s primary purpose is to serve as a temptation to men. They are also somewhat useful for housework.
8. All God’s people shall say “amen.” This is never an inappropriate response.
9. If it is new it is bad. If it is old it is good. (with the exception that if it is really, really old then it is likely to be Catholic)
10. There is no situation that a good dose of ministerial yelling can’t fix.
11. Old Testament rules about sex, tattoos, women in pants, and the death penalty still apply. Old Testament rules about lobster don’t. (That is why we call this the Age of Grace)
12. Invitations shall continue until the Spirit is satisfied that enough people have come to the altar as revealed to the pastor. The Spirit shall be extra hard to satisfy on any Superbowl Sunday.
13. ON THE INTERNET, BIBLICAL TRUTH IS BEST COMMUNICATED VIA CAPSLOCK
14. Mormons are considered to be Christians for the following purposes:
a) National Elections
b) Political Talk Shows
c) Songs for God and Country Sunday
15. Neither this nor any other list of rules can be considered exhaustive; a majority shall always be unspoken, arbitrary, and subject to change at the whim of the authority.
16. It’s much better to have an innocent person die than to tell a lie to a Nazi.
17. A man is to be as much of a leader of his own house as his pastor will let him be.
18. Thou shalt not speak out against other fundamentalists on any subject that really matters. Keep disputes as trivial as possible lest you risk having your own dirty laundry exposed.
19. Spare the rod and spoil the child. (A “rod” being defined as a paddle, stick, belt, spatula, wooden spoon, rubber hose, truncheon, flail, or anything else that happens to be handy)
20. A man may not wear glasses connected by a chain for if they should slip off his nose and dangle about his neck, someone may be made to think that he is wearing a necklace and that is the appearance of evil.
21. Pastors should preach as frequently as possible on sin — preferably the sins of other people
22. Gays are responsible for pretty much every bad thing that happens in America. Africans are responsible for the rest.
23. We reject the authority of the Pope to speak ex cathedra on matters of doctrine. That’s what local church pastors are for.
24. We believe in individual soul liberty — although we’ve never seen a good reason for anybody to actually use it.
25. Dancing is an abomination unless it takes place in a classic film or on the stage of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical at a fundamentalist college.
26. The joy, joy, joy, joy must reside down in your heart. (Where? down in your heart!)
27. In movies sex is bad but violence is fine. (The Bible contains both but we’d rather you didn’t mention it)
28. Prayers must be said before all meals, ball games, and road trips. As long as you’re not using the Lord’s Prayer this is not considered vain repetition.
29. When swimming, a woman shall wear enough layers of clothing to double her weight when immersed.
30. A Christian taking government aid is a sure sign they are not trusting God. (Not that our church is going to start paying its employees enough to live on, mind you. )
31. If you send your child to public school you may as well brand 666 on their forehead and get it over with. No child can emerge from that den of liberalism anything other than a Gay Satanist Democrat.
32. There are not two sides to every story. There is only the truth and the lies made up by those liberal compromisers who Satan is using to attack our ministry.
33. We deny the mysticism of the Catholics and the signs and wonders of the charismatics. We do, however, have a litany of strange coincidences to get us totally stoked.
34. When a pastor gets caught doing wrong his job is to deny, deny, deny. Your job is to back him up to the bitter end.
35. “Fellowship” = “Food”
36. In a business meeting all in favor of the pastor’s motion shall signify by saying “aye.” All opposed shall shut up if they know what’s good for them.
37.If there’s hair touching your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
38. Anything that annoys the pastor annoys Jesus too.
39. Any church members who is not “here and in their place” during special meetings will be punished by being used as a sermon illustration.
40. Nobody is allowed to criticize our ministry unless they have gone out and built a ministry of equal size. (Then we’ll ignore them because they’re liberal)
41. Microphone feedback during a sermon is a sure sign of satanic attack against the preacher.
42. The truth shall not be allowed to get in the way of any good sermon illustration.
43. Any growth in our church is a sure sign of God’s blessing on our ceaseless soul winning efforts. Any growth in your church is due to seeker sensitive gimmicks and soft preaching on sin.
44. Alcohol is allowed in your home if 1. It is hidden in cough syrup 2. You pretend not to like it 3. You consume no more than 4 bottles a week.
45. Context? Our proof texts don’t need no stinkin’ context!
46. The moving picture house is a bastion of wickedness. Watching the same (G Rated) movies at home is just fine.
47. If you can’t find a Scripture verse that proves your point, substitute a quote from another fundamentalist instead. It’s practically as good.
48. The only proper color for a man’s Bible is black. Men who choose any other color are likely to be the sort who also part their hair in the middle and enjoy cooking a little too much.
49. Every date is a potential mate. Not that we’re trying to put pressure on you or anything.
50. As much as we dislike Muslims, we do admire the way they keep their women in line.
51. Bad things that happen to me and mine are persecution and attacks of Satan. Bad things that happen to you and yours are God’s judgment for your sinful ways.
52. The King James version was written to bring the Bible into the language of the common man of the 1600′s. If today’s common man can’t understand it that’s his own stupid fault.
53. Adding even one word Bible is sacrilege of the worst kind. Unless, of course, your pastor told you to write it in the margin. Then it’s all good.
54. When you really want to be taken seriously, use lots of Comic Sans. This goes double for your church website.
55. The fact that toddlers will instinctively dance to music with a beat is evidence of their Adamic nature.
56. Rock music is perfectly acceptable to play in church so long as the person doing it is an evangelist who is demonstrating exactly how wrong it is to play rock music in church.
57. All families must have as many children as physically possible. This will only lead to economic hardship if you lack sufficient faith.
58. Halloween is a demonic holiday wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy on the 31st of October. Harvest Festival is a God-honoring event wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy (by complete coincidence) also on the 31st of October.
59. While we believe that no good Christian should ever go to a godless, atheist, state-run university, that does not stop us from proudly rooting for their godless, atheist football team.
60. Gluttony is barely a sin and only worth mentioning from the pulpit in the context of a joke.
61. Always assume your fellow fundamentalists have the best possible motives for their actions. Always assume everyone else has the worst possible motives for theirs.
62. You talking about my church’s scandal is gossip and backbiting. Me talking about your church’s scandal is instruction and warning.
63. Body piercings, tattoos, and unnatural hair colors are counter-cultural and therefore evil. Culottes and arranged marriages are counter-cultural and therefore required.
64. If something is unfamiliar or difficult to understand, it’s best to take a stand against it by default. Reasons can be invented later.
65. Anything that becomes popular with more than 70% of fundamentalists must both be made obligatory and used as a test of fellowship.
66. The only emotions allowed to be displayed in a church service are anger, guilt, and sorrow. All others are likely to be caused by latent charismatic tendencies.
67. Not only is privacy not a right, it’s strongly discouraged. The only people who have the right to keep secrets are the pastor and his mistress.

Death and Life; Prayers for the Wallace Family

Greg Wallace. This man has been fighting his battle with cancer courageously and living each day with a testimony that inspires me. I have been reading of his battle... his thoughts... his struggles and questions for a couple of months now. His sister wrote today that it appears he only has days left to live. Oh, I am sad. I am sad that such pain and suffering has befallen this young man. I am sad that his family has to stand around him and watch... their hearts twisting... wishing they could take this from him and bear it. I will not sit and talk about the silver lining on this cloud. That would be ludicrous. This cloud is dense. There are storms under this great canopy of horror. The wind is blowing. The rain is pounding. The lightening flashing. We all have questions and doubts. We don't understand.

But listen. Listen. "Peace be still." Never was more spoken in three words. That is all. May you hear it, dear Wallace family.

Another moment lived. One moment closer to the presence of my Creator. Death used to terrify me. In fact it terrified me so much that I contemplated taking my life so I wouldn't have to deal with it any longer. I am sitting here smiling a little wryly over that bit of logic. Interesting what fear will do to a person's mind. 

Fear made me feel worthless. Guilty. Unloved. Pain-filled. Sinful. Overcome with sorrow. Black. 

Then, I found love. I was 13 years old. I suddenly realized that all of my fears, all of that guilt and pain, every single one of them, had a basis of truth. But Truth had been twisted into a lie. It is true that I am selfish, unlovable, greedy, fearful, angry, bitter and generally a bad person. It is truth that I deserve to be unloved. But it is also Truth that I am loved. Loved so much that I am forgiven. Love is beyond who I am, what I have or have not done. Beyond any telling. Beyond my comprehension. Beyond my ability to believe. But... oh, I am loved. 

With love, death is not a leap into darkness, but a door to another existence. Oh yes! I do not know what is out there. I have so many questions. So many uncertainties and worries that flood my heart if I let them. I have pain. Sometimes my sorrow is so much that it takes my joy. But there is something that I am certain of: The continued presence and love of my God. But that exists now. This moment. Do I allow my weakness to shroud it or do I embrace what is offered to me freely? That is the real question.

Well, I haven't been bored! ;-)

It seems like I've been crazy busy for the past few weeks... Before Christmas, I worked for about two weeks on a Christmas present for Michele. It was a scrapbook about camp 2010; pictures, memories, quotes, etc. I spent about 8 hours a day on it and rarely left my room in that time. Lol. I really should start my projects a bit earlier in the season... I finished it last minute, as usual! But Michele liked the finished product so I'm not complaining. And, FYI, I do love scrapbooking. :-)

However, there were some very frustrating moments and I would complain bitterly to myself and my friend (fellow scrapbooker) Lindsey. Because it was a secret, I couldn't exactly write about it via my blog. So, you missed all of the really sarcastic remarks about how much I love the person who decided 12" x 12" scrapbook paper should not be exactly 12" x 12". So frustrating!!! Trying to get the paper on the page and having it go crooked, etc. Ahhhh!! Lol. Another one of my greatest moments of sarcasm was directed at the sticky things I'd bought instead of double sided tape. Mistake. Finally, I was smart and went into town and found some of said tape (somewhat of a miracle, according to the people I had asked!) which made my existence a whole lot easier. :-) 

Christmas for the first time in 15 years was lovely. I really enjoyed the dinners, the games, the conversations, the gifts, the decorations, the people... The best part of it was seeing Jesse again. He arrived safely in Saskatoon after spending his two weeks in Europe and oh, was I delighted to look into his face again... :-) :-) After Christmas, we went up to see my family in Endeavour. It went over quite well. The kids really liked him and Mom said they did, so I'm happy. :-)

Next day:
I meant to post this yesterday morning but I wasn't able to finish it in time. Jesse took me to Regina for what he termed our 'big date'. It was very fun and both of us were feeling quite well for only having just recovered from the flu. We enjoy our road trips because they give us time to talk and feel like we're accomplishing something at the same time. ;-) :-) We went shopping at comics/used books stores and ate a lunch with my dear friends Ray and Tahnis. We also saw The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in 3D which was amazing. I really enjoyed that movie. :-) For those of you who haven't seen it, I would recommend the experience.

Back to the flu topic, has anyone else gotten it? It seems like almost everyone here has... nasty bug. I didn't have it nearly as badly as some, however. For that I am grateful. I have been taking some preventatives and hoping that tides me over. I am so glad I only felt sick and didn't actually have too many symptoms. Vomiting automatically sends the flu to a completely different level. :-P

So, this is my brief update. I am sorry to let it go for so long. May your weekend be beautiful and full of joy. Hugs!

Rivers

The following is not complete in any way. If you have any thoughts to add to this, I welcome them. :-)

Have you ever felt a need to prove something about yourself? Have you ever felt a need to assure to others that you're kind and pleasant? That you're trustworthy? What about spirituality? Have you ever felt a need to defend your relationship with God?

I believe that there is a certain place for proving yourself. In order for people to trust you, you must show them that you are worthy of it. Our reputation is important and something to not be taken lightly. There is another side, however and I have been finding it my entire life.

It is when my reputation takes place above my happiness and peace. When my questions and defensive thoughts take over my mind and effect my joy. The past few weeks have found me slowly wandering. My fingers want to write Bible verses all the day long and post long winded opinions about God and spirituality and how people's lives could be greatly bettered by finding Him. (Btw, I would not just be talking about non-Christians but everyone alike... our entire lives are effected by our faith and understanding of Him.) But I have felt this before, knew what it was so I resisted the urge. I knew I needed to get my focus back on God before I wrote anything. There is nothing I detest more than a stifling hypocritical pride and arrogance.

I don't have many wise words to say about this mindset but I wanted to share a few things about my thoughts lately because I feel there is such a need for true fellowship with God. It hurts my heart when I see the burdened hearts that could be lightened.

There is no need to prove anything to anyone. No. I don't have to prove how things are going with me and God. Neither do you. Yes, question me... yourself... others. Welcome the questions; they are necessary for growth. But it is what we do with the questions that matters. What should happen is the questions turn us back towards God.

I realized some things over the past weeks: what matters is right now. Is my heart seeking fellowship with God at this very moment in time? If I am in fellowship with God right now, who am I to worry about other opinions? My worries distract me and deprive me of the joy I have in God. That is when I become ineffective.

Faith and love are more than something I can talk about. I can embody them. They can be synonymous with my existence. But it must start with my fellowship... my prayers... my thoughts. When it begins there, my reputation will take care of itself. Actually, everything else falls into place. There are consequences for every action and every thought, good or evil. When I maintain my fellowship with God every day, the consequences are endless love and joy. :-)

It is so easy to become sidetracked from the Truth. Even with good things, like questioning my heart for Truth. But at the same time, how simple and easy it is to fall back into fellowship with God and abide in His love and Truth.

Have you ever been around someone who left you very depressed and anxious? I was recently around someone who left me literally gasping for comfort and peace. This person did not mean to be this way. In fact, this person is searching desperately for the very things that I found myself reaching for. Pain simply flowed from this heart like a river.

It made me realize that there is another river. Joy, peace, happiness. They are all just as contagious as fear and despair and they are all desperately needed in this world. What is your river made of? It can be transformed. But don't try to do it. God has marvelous transforming powers. All He wants from you right now is your heart to be open and willing. Your river... your reputation is already changed and changing other lives.

May joy be yours today. :-) Do things unto God.

Learning

This girl has questions but she's learning that it's ok to not know everything. ;-)

The other day, two very learned, wise men took the time to have a conversation with me. They were not trying to teach me anything. They were simply enjoying talking about literature, life, people and the wisdom of their years. There is something timeless in discussing truth. I love asking questions and listening to the answers. There is something peaceful about sitting and listening to words. There is something beautiful in being able to think and pray and search... feeling no sense of criticism for not knowing the answer (and not knowing if I ever will).

I learned something. :-) It was about personality types. What we are, how we react to others... and that just because one may be introverted and another extroverted does not mean they do not need each other. If only I had understood sooner that human beings are... just that. They all hurt and bleed like I do. They all experience joy, though some considerably less than others. They all need love. Had I realized this at the age of 17, I would have saved myself a lot of grief.

But how does one learn? Experience, having an open heart to the truths, being willing to give up self for the other person... because me isn't that important. I am so thankful, though. I am glad to have had that conversation. I am glad to be walking this path. I am glad for the experiences and the uncertainties. I am glad for the joy and the sorrow. I am glad to discover things about myself and life... even if it is painful. The truth does set us free. Before we can be honest with others, we must be honest with ourselves and God. The most courage I need is for facing myself.

Well, it is time for me to sleep, so I will close this up and head off to dreamland. :-) Before I do, however, I wanted to say that I am still most thankful for love. I am thankful to be loved. By God, by man. Love is so powerful. It gives me wings and a stout heart. It is a good thing. :-)

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

A wish

It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, 

but the man worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. 

For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with the years, 

and the smile that worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears.

(Irish saying) 

I was just thinking this afternoon about how much complaining comes from my lips. May I bring joy into the world today, somehow. 

Rejoicings plus Odds and Ends

Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not. -- C.S. Lewis

My thoughts lately, "I can't believe I said that!" "I'm such a ditz." "I don't know how anyone could like me." It's interesting how sensible and correct they seem when they pop into my mind and I stow them away without examining them.

But when I do take them out and look at them, I see how destructive and wrong these thoughts are. Why are they wrong? They're proud thoughts. I have been taking pride in my "humility" and spirituality. That alone makes them proud thoughts. But there's another aspect, as well. God has promised us His love and power. While there is a time for guilt and repentance, there is no time for self pity and focusing on our weakness.

So, I am trying to establish a new habit: Whenever a negative thought comes to my head, instead of inwardly moaning about myself, I think of something to thank God for. When I think of something stupid I have done, I thank God that there are people who love me. When I think of something I am truly ashamed of, I thank God for His gift of forgiveness and love.

I watched Star Wars (both Trilogies) over the past few weeks and the character Yoda said something I found very thought provoking: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." When I am thinking negative thoughts about myself, it ultimately leads me to thoughts of anger. Anger towards myself, God, people in my life, my past, situations... that anger then transfers itself to bitterness and hatred (or, at least, dislike). I have seen what these emotions have done to those around me... I have seen hate destroy the person and hurt others in his or her life. It is not a path I wish to travel. My greatest desire is to live with love. I wish love to become such a part of me that it is me.

This evening, take a moment and think about what it means for God to love you. I have been dwelling on that today and it fills me with such happiness. I am so blessed. Beyond words blessed. :-)

Today, my friend Jeanette sent me a link: http://listen.grooveshark.com/ ... I am now listening to the soundtrack from Howl's Moving Castle, one of my favorite anime films. I am excited to see what else they have available. :-) Thanks, Jeanette. You made my day. :-)

I finished my last day of teaching this week. It was amazing. I have some of the best students in the world. :-) I am so glad to have them. Rylan and Rese both came with face paint and in Rider shirts. The entire community goes green along with the team. Fun. :-) I'm not into sports that much but the spirit is undeniably contagious.

(At camp, there were some really athletic kids...)

Did you know the fingering for the Ab scale is really interesting? It works but honestly, it's not something I would have picked up on my own. Thank goodness for musically knowledgeable people and the internet. I hate the thought of teaching a student something that was an error. For those who are wondering, fingering for R.H. is: 23 123 1234 123 123 ; L.H. is: 321 4321 321 4321 2. 

Something else to think about: my timing stinks on the song "Just You Wait". I wish I could practice with the band a little more before the show. :-P Lol. Well, it's much better than it was. I just need to keep working at it. :-) I love the tune. The chord structure is so interesting and the colors are amazing.

Well, I'm off to eat my supper. You know, I made soup the other day. Then, Michele took my soup and made soup. I am always amazed at her culinary skills. She's amazing. Someday, I would like to cook like her. For now, I simply devour. ;-) May your day, regardless of country in which you may dwell, have been a happy thanksgiving. :-) :-)

Lovin' Those Baby Steps (Wait A Minute, Do Holters Actually Know How to Take Those?)

And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? (Mark 4:40)

I have lately been posting status updates on FB like this: "I am so glad I don't know the future." Life brings so many questions to my door. Part of me would really love to just know what the future holds and act accordingly. The other part of me is more thankful that I don't. :-) Why is this? Well, jest set down for a spell and I'll tell ya. :-)

If I knew the future, I would likely try to change it.
If I knew the future, I would act abnormally.
If I knew the future, I wouldn't be able to love people.
If I knew the future, I would hate myself.
And most importantly...
If I knew the future, I wouldn't trust in God.

Over the course of the past months, so many new experiences and situations have leaped up and presented themselves to me. I don't react well with change, even if it's good and something I love. So, I turn to God.

It is there that I realize something about our relationship. What makes it healthy? What makes God happy? What makes me a stronger, more faithful person? Yes, He wants us to cry unto Him when we are frightened and uncertain. Yes, He appreciates that we don't turn our backs on Him. But what parent doesn't admire a child who gets back up after tumbling down for the 300th time? Children face the new world on wobbly legs and a courageous heart, taking their first steps eagerly. They have no idea about the rough spot in the lawn just ahead of them. They have no idea that Legos really hurt when you sit down hard. They have no idea that they might hit their head on the cupboard door and get a goose egg. Interpretation: they don't know the future. Yet, they wobble on until they wobble no longer and the Legos are their friends :-)

Yesterday, the thought crossed my brain that I've been using God as something to blame things on. Analogy: I've been clinging to Him in fear and not willing to take those first steps. I've been "having faith" but not honestly walking in faith. I've doubted my strength and God's grace and love towards me. I have been approaching decisions weakly and without heart.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. (James 1:5-6)


Me over the past week: "Um, God... like, I'm really happy but really, really scared and I really don't know if you know what you're doing, but um, if this is what you want...tell me why again??" Is there faith, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, love, etc, etc, in that? No. It is fear, a little anger, hopelessness. Where is my heart? I know God is standing right beside me. There is no room for fear!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Oh yes, I am still approaching life with caution. My legs are still wobbly. :-) But with more joy and more faith... and different kinds of prayers. The "thank you, God" kinds of prayers. He has promised to accomplish a good work in me and I know He will. There will always be pain and uncertainties but they will never be too much for God's children. He has promised this.

So, not knowing the future, I walk away from my fears. My legs are still weak but my heart is learning courage and strength. There is more happiness and joy than I thought possible.

For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. 

                                                 (Proverbs 3: 26)

I keep meaning to write but it doesn't seem to be happening. :-) Just know I'm happy and content and really, really busy. :-)

Time Out From Happiness

I've been thinking about being sad. I've been thinking about guilt. I've been thinking about judging.

And my conclusion is...? That I have a lot more thinking to do. Haha. Well, one thought did cross my brain: I know for sure that there were moments Jesus felt emotions other than happiness.

Thoughts?

Worry... Worry Not...

This summer, some of my friends (fellow counselors) and I were having a conversation about life. One of them said something that still makes me stop short and look around.

"Live with no regrets."

My favorite thing to do is worry. Worry about things I've done or might do. Worry about the bad example I've been or the mixed message I might be sending. Worry saps my joy. Worry pins me down and slaps me across the face. Why do I worry? There is no good reason. Faith leaves no room for it. If the peace in my heart is intact and joy is bubbling out of me, I'd say it's a good sign. There are no regrets in that. :-)

So, I haven't subscribed completely to her life philosophy but it has definitely garnered some thoughts.

Letter To My Companion of War and an Update

Dear Frosting Bag,

I admit to not understanding what goes on in those creamy depths of swirling audacity. Whatever goes on in there is far beyond my mental capacity. All I know are the moments of grief and horror and those of utter bliss. What I really don't understand is why you're so nice to me sometimes. Yes, there are moments when I actually adore you! You send smooth, perfect streams of whipped cream frosting through your tip... and because of the perfect, decadent shells, the cake takes an aura of splendidness.

Then there are those moments, when you hate me. Were we arch enemies in another life? I know with a certainty that I have never done anything to deserve such mistreatment. You spit at me. Literally spit in my face. I don't mind it so much on my arm. But my face?? Come on. And then there's the moments when you decide to explode and shoot whipped topping onto the cabinets. Do you think I really have time for that? Oh! And what about the time you decided stuttering was fun and all my shells turned into epileptic lizards? That was the time I looked up and saw a customer watching us with great interest.

I really would appreciate some more kindness from you. On the positive side, there have been some minutes that I thought we were getting over a mutual dislike for each other! So, there is hope. Just no more spitting, ok? No more rude noises. No more making me live up to Gillian's new name for me (Queen of Blushers). I need you, you need me. Just saying.

May you live a long and happy life.
Sincerely,
Naomi

So I went to sleep last night with the wind pounding against the house. The snow was just scouring the walls, windows and roof... more like sleet than snow, actually. And when I woke up this morning, the wind was still howling but no snow. :-) Because I have to go to Regina again on Friday, I can't work that day. So Donna asked me to come in today to finish up the Blizzard cakes.

I rushed through my morning preparations and donned my winter wear (scarves and coat and leggings and gloved and etc and etc) and rushed outside. About five steps later, I stopped rushing and stared at the ground. All ice. It wasn't terribly cold, which was nice in a way. But it was also very, very bad since it made the ice very, very slick. Picture this in your head: powerful, howling wind + slippery ice everywhere + me. Imagine the wind blowing in my face. Imagine me not being terribly coordinated. Imagine me being blown backwards across the street. Awesome picture, eh? That's what I thought. After I got back home.

But I made it there, all in one piece. Happy and proud of my accomplishment. Donna met me at the door with these words, "I called to let you know that you didn't need to brave the storm but you had already left." Lol!. ;-)

8 Blizzard Cakes; 4 flavors. Oreo - Smartie - Cookie Dough - Reese's Cup. Did you know that a drizzle of chocolate topping makes any cake look beautiful? I love the stuff. It's so much fun to watch it drip over the sides of the cake and splash onto the tray and roll down my arm... hey! it's chocolate. :-) I love the entire process of making Blizzard cakes. (Sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you.) I can't wait for the time when I actually get to eat one. ;-) :-) :-)

When I was finished (12:30 give or take) Donna drove me home in time for my dinner and lesson prep and a little house cleaning. My first student arrived at 3:30 as usual and the lessons commenced.

Had a bit of a disappointment the other day. One of my adult students decided she hadn't learned enough in four weeks to commit until May. I completely understand and I'm ok with it. But I can't help but feel that I could have done better some way. But Michele says she goes through the same feelings when someone doesn't want to take lessons from her. She says if I had video taped the lessons from the past four weeks, I probably wouldn't be able to pinpoint anything I should have done better. I can only do my best... and seriously, I wouldn't want this woman to feel obligated to continue taking lessons. Wasting time and money is not what I want my students to do. I want them to keep coming because they're learning and enjoying themselves. :-)

The good news is that nearly everyone else has committed until the end of May. So, you folks in Carlyle, you're stuck with me. ;-) At least until I'm 25. Lol.

I am so tired. :-) That wind certainly takes it out of a person. And we still have theater practice tonight. For once, I'm not looking forward to it. Well, I take that back. I am but I'm not. I hope I don't fall asleep during the middle of it...

Anyways. I should close this up. As my beloved brother Stirling says, "Bonjour"... wait a minute. That's not goodbye. Just a second. :googles:

Au revior. ;-)