Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Christmas Joy and Sorrow

My life has not been without great sorrow. But my life has also not lacked great joy. My friend Father Banga  said "Goodbye" to us on December 14th. It was sudden... and quick, thankfully. When I think of him, my tears are for myself and all of us who will miss him. But his time was up, his work finished. I am so grateful for the time I had with him. There are so many good memories; I often find myself crying and laughing at the same time. Fr. Banga left this world a better place.

Inspiration comes to me in many forms. Death is swallowed with difficulty but leaves me gasping with determination. Pain wants me huddled in a corner but instead often finds me bloodying my fingers with some task I would not have had the courage to do before. Joy sets my feet to dancing and laughing and creating joy for others. Peace cleanses me and puts me on the right path.

Christmas should be a season of joy. My sister has been a wonderful source of inspiration since she moved in with  us in June but especially in the past two months. As soon as Remembrance Day had passed, she got out all of the Christmas decorations and the house was festive in an hour. She has written numerous cards and letters and has sent care packages to people. She has spent money on gifts and time on creating joy for others. I look at her in awe. I am so blessed to have her as a sister.

Each day finds me loving my husband more. He is the most patient of men. He doesn't understand my hormones or emotions but he loves me. He cares for me, "in sickness and in health." He helps me to understand God. The other day, I had a half hour in between lessons and I went into our room. Jesse was there on his computer. As soon as I opened the door, he frantically cleared his computer screen. "Uhhmmm... just some last minute shopping." Christmas is going to be so much fun. He has no idea what I am giving him for Christmas and I have no idea what he is giving me for Christmas.

My mother-in-law is one of a kind: smart, gentle, very grounded. She is generous, yet stays within her boundaries. She is kind, but honest. She is very intelligent, very talented and generally amazing. Before I got married, I was very afraid I was going to marry someone who had a family I wouldn't get along with. So I prayed for a man who's family was one I could fit into. A family that would accept me and who I could accept. And I prayed especially for a mil who would love me. :-)

My friends, my coworkers, my fil, my sil, my cousins-in-law, Cornerstone Theatre peoples... so many wonderful human beings that fill my life with joy. I wish to be an inspiration to them... to the entire world. Someone who changes the world for better.

Merry Christmas. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

in regards to the End of the world

first of all nothing will happen
and a little later
nothing will happen again.
-- Leonard Cohen

and if it does,

even damnation is poisoned with rainbows.
-- Leonard Cohen

Thursday, December 6, 2012


Old companions, Pain and I -- side by side, heads bent, hands tightly clasped; the whole world passing us by. These recent days, our meetings are rare but when we do, we sit in comfort. Secrets that have been hidden away are brought out. Examine; whisper; polish: are we ready to let  the wind whisk this hurt away? Or shall we keep it a little longer?

We are not exclusive, Pain and I; we often beg Mercy and Forgiveness to join our party. They are shy as the Silence. Sometimes it comes; sometimes not. The wait can be long. But when Forgiveness falls like a cleansing rain and Mercy alights on my shoulder, Time stands still.

As we reminisce, the old days seem as though they were but yesterday. Snapshots of moments are branded forever in our time. Pain  would sit on my chest as we listened to the night hours burn away until it was time to get up again. Pain clung to my neck as we survived the day, hurrying, worrying. Pain covered my ears at night when the nightmare came to visit them in the dark. And when they cried, we tried not to listen. Pain held my hand when the Guilts came and they could not have me.

Pain was the best, the most loyal of friends. We dreamed of better days, a different time when the world would fill with Love. But I was not anxious to leave my friend. We had seen the simplicity of All. We had listened to the heartbeat of the Universe. We had glimpsed The Intelligence. Truth had broken our shackles. Fear told me that I would not be the person I am without Pain, in conclusion: Pain was my Savior. I was very confused.

But Time marched on and dictated that our ways should soon part. Love and Joy began to walk with me. They brushed off Doubt and Fear, laughing... Perhaps, at me. They taught me a new dance, showed me the same Truth in a different light. I learned that I could stand without Pain to lean on.

It is true: there are days when I cannot dance. Love and Pain walk on either side then, guiding my feet. But I am growing. I learned that Fear's conclusions are never Truth: my Savior is within me. Pain is a good friend for a time, because we learn much together. But Truth and Time declare good health comes with Change.

I live this life thankfully.

Naomi T. all rights reserved

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben