The Ugly Duckling of Life

Be gracious unto me, 

O Lord, 

for I am in distress;

mine eye is wasted from grief; 

my soul and my body also. 

Psalm of David

For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrong doing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?

 Bell Hooks

He hath made everything beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. 

Martin Luther King, Jr

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. 

Helen Keller

Healing hands: an image of hands in a non-dangerous position emitting the color patterns I see in my head when I look at someone. Such a pretty picture. I imagine those hands are the hands of God. I fantasize about the moment those Hands touch you: heart, soul and body are healed at once, in an instant. 

These imaginings of mine might bear some truth. Perhaps two thousand years ago when Jesus healed someone, he lightened their hearts and souls as well. It is very possible that some are called to such healing even now. There is little we understand about the mysteries of God. What I know is the healing process that he has me walk is not so simple nor clean nor beautiful. 

My knees have so many scars on them. I have had two knee surgeries, several altercations with bicycles and many instances involving trees, rocks and metal getting my blood on them. (It's a good thing I didn't grow up in a mystical part of the Universe because I probably would have inadvertently ended the existence the human race more than once.) My scars cover bloody, gaping wounds. They do the trick but they aren't beautiful. Parts of my skin are numb. I have to shave my left leg because any hair that grows where the nerve endings were severed causes me no end of discomfort. (I like shaving my legs anyway but it was a good reason to start!) My knees are not the same knees that learned to crawl nor are they the same knees that steadied the feet tottered across the grass in my grandparent's yard 25 years ago. They are changed.

Like my knees, my soul has met with some accidents. There have been scrapes and bruises, big gaping cuts that I had taped over so no one could see and if you look closely, a fairly ragged tear down the middle. Unlike my knees, these cuts haven't scarred over. No matter how much I tried to mind them, clean them and tuck them away so no one could see, they festered and refused to heal. 

It happened faster than I wanted it to. But the moment came. It was right. The bandages were ripped off: my soul exposed. Fresh air met with the weeping wounds. 

Healing has begun and the pain is excruciating. 

I knew it would be. But I didn't. I did not know I would feel the Universe tremble. I had no idea the lost memories would come and keep coming. My heart breaking into pieces several times a day really had not entered the imagination. Agony leaving no room for anyone else yet welcoming the entire world is also really weird. Plus, feeling free at last and fighting the urge to vomit several times a day doesn't do much for one's appetite or personality. The fear and courage combined makes a strange cup to drink. 

Moments beset me in which I do not want to go on but I'm terrified to stop. Whatever is coming around that corner might be worse than all that I have experienced put together. This is where the secret comes in. Once you have tasted Truth, the lies are suddenly not good enough. The walls of the self made prison are torn away and you realize you don't have to go back. 

It's like tasting Lemon Meringue pie made with freshly squeezed lemons, ladies and gentlemen. You wonder why you ever thought lemon meringue pie made from the box was even edible. (I'm guessing you're probably starting to question my use of winsome analogies. Haha.)

In all seriousness: healing doesn't come of it's own accord. You have to want it. You must have the courage. You will have to endure no answers, feebleness, faith, anger, being lost, without purpose, forgiveness, overflowing heart, truth, lies, love, agony... it all plays a part. It looks like nothing and smells like failure. You could swear that there is no sense here, no purpose. 

This is where I keep grasping at faith. 

Someday, my eyes will see.

There will be a time when my soul will be whole again.

I might not be a swan but I will be Naomi. 

Finally.

Thankfully

Old companions, Pain and I -- side by side, heads bent, hands tightly clasped; the whole world passing us by. These recent days, our meetings are rare but when we do, we sit in comfort. Secrets that have been hidden away are brought out. Examine; whisper; polish: are we ready to let  the wind whisk this hurt away? Or shall we keep it a little longer?

We are not exclusive, Pain and I; we often beg Mercy and Forgiveness to join our party. They are shy as the Silence. Sometimes it comes; sometimes not. The wait can be long. But when Forgiveness falls like a cleansing rain and Mercy alights on my shoulder, Time stands still.

As we reminisce, the old days seem as though they were but yesterday. Snapshots of moments are branded forever in our time. Pain  would sit on my chest as we listened to the night hours burn away until it was time to get up again. Pain clung to my neck as we survived the day, hurrying, worrying. Pain covered my ears at night when the nightmare came to visit them in the dark. And when they cried, we tried not to listen. Pain held my hand when the Guilts came and they could not have me.

Pain was the best, the most loyal of friends. We dreamed of better days, a different time when the world would fill with Love. But I was not anxious to leave my friend. We had seen the simplicity of All. We had listened to the heartbeat of the Universe. We had glimpsed The Intelligence. Truth had broken our shackles. Fear told me that I would not be the person I am without Pain, in conclusion: Pain was my Savior. I was very confused.

But Time marched on and dictated that our ways should soon part. Love and Joy began to walk with me. They brushed off Doubt and Fear, laughing... Perhaps, at me. They taught me a new dance, showed me the same Truth in a different light. I learned that I could stand without Pain to lean on.

It is true: there are days when I cannot dance. Love and Pain walk on either side then, guiding my feet. But I am growing. I learned that Fear's conclusions are never Truth: my Savior is within me. Pain is a good friend for a time, because we learn much together. But Truth and Time declare good health comes with Change.

I live this life thankfully.

Naomi T. all rights reserved

love: an ode to mine

The Fountains mingle with the river

And the rivers with the ocean,

The winds of heaven mix for ever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the the world is single,

All things by a law devine

In one another's being mingle -- 

Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister-flower would  be forgiven

If it disdain'd its brother:

And the sunlight clasps the earth,

And the moonbeams kiss the sea --

What are all these kissings worth,

If thou kiss not me?

-- Shelley

I know people who have fallen out of love. There are times when their pain is badly disguised. I feel it.. their longing for what they have lost. I do not judge them and I try to avoid pity. I believe there is a different path for each of us. If you are offended by this post of utter and complete contentment, forgive me. I have known my own pain and I have struggled through my own struggles. (I am me, of course, so I never stop learning the hard way.) But I have found a resting place, somewhere safe and I want that for everyone.

I have chosen a path to walk and by my side is the man I want with me forever. I have only loved for a little over a year. The varying of and the strength of this emotion never is the same - not even moment to moment. I have learned some things; I hope for much more over the years. This post is partly for me but I also wanted to put to rest some of the misconceptions about love.

Fear to embrace it, fear to not. Do not fear.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you

The love of all man’s days both past and forever:

Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.

The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours – 

And the songs of every poet past and forever.

-- Rabindranath Tagore

Love fills emptiness or holes in you that you didn't know existed.

Love is a partnership: it requires giving of yourself and receiving of the other person. While you need to be whole in yourself (your faith, your love, your abilities) you also need to be able to allow yourself to be made whole by that other person. 

Love's a mystery. Sometimes there are feelings that are so deep and full that they cannot be expressed. Sometimes it's a crush of overwhelmed senses and wildly fluctuating emotions. Sometimes it's found in the easy camaraderie of two people who have established a friendship. But it can never be said, "Love is this. Love is that," and this thing be properly explained.

A true lover is proved such by his pain of heart;

No sickness is there like sickness of heart.

The lover's ailment is different from all ailments;

Love is the astrolabe of God's mysteries. 

-- Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Love's story is different for every person. You might find yourself falling for your best friend, your worst enemy or someone you met on the street five minutes ago.

At the point Jesse and I met, I didn't think I was ready to meet HIM. I had prayed for years for a man who would be worthy enough for me to fall in love with. When I met Jesse I knew almost immediately that he was the one but I fought it. God had to really work on me. I cannot tell you how important it is to be of an open heart to His will. The places and people God leads  you to are for a reason. They shape you. For what end, you may ask? For better. For good. For love! But God won't force you to go where He wants you to go. As Jesse says, "A free will, the chance to choose, is the greatest gift God gave us." It's true. Of course if you're really headed in the wrong direction, He may put a wall of fire or a cliff in your path. :-)

Love never judges. Love accepts you for who you are, regardless of where you have been or what you have done. Love thinks you are perfect for Love. But Love never accepts that you are all that you could be. Love strengthens you, helps you, encourages you... to be more of you. 

Everyone says that you can't change a person. To a certain extent, that it the truth. But let me tell you, you can encourage people to go one way or another. People say that Jesse has changed since he met me. He has grown a lot, I know. But I never tried to change him because I like the way he is. I just believe in him and love him. I am a responsible person. I stress. I worry. I fear. I am an introvert. Jesse has gently but firmly pushed me to be more confident in myself and my abilities. For years, I had been expected to be a certain person and criticized if I stepped out of the role. Jesse hasn't changed me but he has helped me embrace who I can be. I am no longer just Naomi. I am Naomi. 

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: 

Love is living, growing, changing. Love would not have been worth it had it not been with my soul mate, my best friend. So much mystery, so much fear, so much unknown... but Jesse proved faithful and true every step of the way.

Each day I find myself praying for wisdom: How can I love Jesse more? How can we grow closer together? Love cannot help but change as I change from day to day. And I do change from day to day! I am a living human being, experiencing living human life. Jesse is the same. We are two completely different people. How can our love not change with us changing day to day? The prayer is that we will change for good. We may be perfect for each other at this point in life but will we be in 30 years? 13 years? 3 months? Love is the most difficult thing of all because we human beings are selfish by nature. That's why being committed to each other for life is so important for us.

Love has many faces. We love our lover. We love our friends. We love our family. We love God. Each love we experience helps us understand ultimate Love.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) 

-- e e cummings

I love this post by my friend Abigail. :-) It is very insightful.  http://jawestbrook.blogspot.com/2011/12/settling-or-setting-aside-lists.html

Parental Disobedience -- Article

My friend Abigail reposted this on her Facebook... I read it and found myself so encouraged. Sometimes the path God puts us on is difficult and causes me a lot of discomfort. Haha. But in the end, it is all worth it. Every pain and joy. :-) I hope these words of wisdom will cause you to think and be inspired to follow what you know is right in your heart and soul, regardless of cost.

http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/2011/06/when-parental-obedience-brings.html

My Wish For You

May your heart be comforted today.

Jesse played his trumpet today at the Legion Ceremony. My thoughts and prayers were with the fallen and our Creator. Lord, remember our pain and suffering.

Someone lost their little child on May 25th. Lord, we thank you that he is no longer suffering but we ask healing for this family as they wait to join their child.

Let us rejoice this morning in the Love that God has for each of us. Let us not seek to find out His mysteries but rest in peace.