Restless

Vulnerability: the Sanest Place To Be

We're going to Europe. That is what's on my mind. I should probably be looking for places to stay in Frankfurt. And researching good, cheap places to eat for foodies in the Black Forest. Which shop sells the best chocolate in Switzerland? I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT THE MARKET PLACES IN GERMANY!! AHHHHH!!! That being said, a month long adventure is not the only thing occupying my thoughts. So, instead of looking at hundreds of room listings and affordable restaurants, here I am. For the first time in a year, I am endeavoring to write a blog post. It feels... strange.

September 13th, 2014 will mark four years since I left home. The first four years, they say. After 1460 days, things start getting better. Your brain can keep up with your emotions. Your soul doesn't feel so flattened under the stress of figuring out exactly who you are. Your heart can open itself with a little more trust. You don't remember the voices and accusations and mind games so clearly; each breath becomes a little easier. Has it worked? Am I more... me?

Ask me in September.

What I can tell you is that I have been learning and changing. (A lot.) For instance: as long as I can remember, my emotions were frowned upon, punished and thrown negatively at me as "female." Apparently, only females have emotions and all emotion is bad. (Unless, of course, you're "content" and "joyful".) :nods:

It's come to my attention that my emotions exist and I cannot negate them without negating myself. 

Before we go any further, let me tell you: men and women have emotions. The angriest, most depressed, violently emotional person I know is a male and the most emotionally repressed people I know are of both genders. Being told that my emotions were insignificant was a way of making me doubt myself. After years of being told that all women are easily deceived and that I couldn't trust thoughts, feelings or emotions, getting out of a harmful relationship and an abusive home situation was almost impossible. Saving myself was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I did it. This gives me hope for everyone involved in abusive situations. We don't need people to save us. Yes, we need people to help us ... maybe even give us that little nudge onto a different path.. but ultimately, we must save ourselves. That is what this blog post is about.

Negative emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Yes, there are days when they do overwhelm me. There are still days that I would rather traverse a room filled with snakes and spiders than face my emotions. My anger and horror and fears about my previous home and some of the authoritarian figures in the past years of my life had been pushed down for decades. The worse my life became, the happier the mask I put on. After an entire life of pretending, I didn't know what what was real or false. What was I? Sad? Happy? What should I be? I should be happy, right? At approx. 1350 days, I've discovered that the strain of holding down that much negativity can seriously dent a person.

I refuse to play this game any longer. I am so sick and tired of the lies I was forced to live and adhere to. I finally do not have to feel any thing or any way for any one. So yes, there is much for me to be angry about. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm confused. In facing these emotions, I find myself finally being honest and discovering things about myself. I am also finding that after all those years of pushing down those emotions, feeling resembles a dam bursting and the resulting flood.

"I am so sad. I feel like my parents will never admit anything. My siblings will never stop pushing me away. It doesn't matter how much I reach out to them, they are never safe. I remember what it feels like to not be accepted for who I am. I remember how it feels to live in constant fear. The long days and months and years of waiting... it feels hopeless..."

"Yeah! I am so happy! The world is a wonderful place! Everybody needs to feel this happy. Jesse is amazing and wonderful and more than I could ever ask for. I can't believe how lucky we are. He is my soul. Just thinking about him makes my heart do strange things. Each day, love feels more real and tangible than the last. L. is also on this journey of healing... she is so strong. Every day, I am amazed by her. H. is opening her eyes and starting to accept our past. Her path is rocky but she is up for the challenge. God is real and close. I cannot believe the how much he knows about me and how strong he wants me to be. I know that he has been there all along for me. I know that this hard path my siblings are walking right now must have some purpose. I trust that eventually, they will find the courage and strength to accept the truth and reach out for help."

These are things I have every right to feel deeply saddened about. These are things I have every right to feel elated about. Most of my days, I can handle parts of both -- balancing the sorrow and joy is something healthy people do. My journey is not so simple, though. I've just begun. Some of my days are deeply sad or ecstatically happy. But there is a good part to this: something I've learned over the past few months is that I can acknowledge my emotions.

"I am sad. It's ok to be sad. Why am I sad? Because that man reminded you of someone who hurt you for many years. It's ok. Don't stop looking. Be sad. Don't hide it. Tell someone if you need to."

"I'm scared. Why am I scared? I was happy and I'm scared that if I'm happy, someone will see that and use it against me. That happened to you many times. You would have things you liked or appreciated taken from you just because you felt affection towards them. Why did he do this to you? Because he had to be in control. But you are in control now. Jesse is not an abusive person. He is a loving person. Trust yourself; trust him. Start there."

"I'm happy! Why am I happy? Because I feel loved. Why do you feel loved? Because you are loving yourself and those around you. You are able. You are in control of your life and your emotions. I'm also listening to the main theme from Indiana Jones. That might have something to do with it."

"I have faith in people. Why do I have faith? Because my heart is able to open itself today. It doesn't matter how many times people turn their backs on me, I am going to be there when they need me again. I am actively forgiving them. I have faith that eventually, they will reach out for love and acceptance. When they hurt me, it is because they feel vulnerable. When they slap my face, it is because they feel that someone is doing something much worse to them. When they reject me, it's because they are afraid someone is going to reject them. When they refuse my love, it is because they are terrified of their world crashing around them and all the doors closing. I've been there. I understand. I love them."

There are millions of other emotions. I have just touched the surface of mine. In the midst of the swirling pool of confusion, there is something I know in certainty: I can become stronger. Today, I am stronger. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who cares? Yesterday doesn't matter either. Today, I am writing a blog post. Today, I woke up. Today, I told my husband that I loved him. Today, I listened to the sounds from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Braveheart and The Artist. Today, I picked up some shirts from the floor. Today, I love my brothers and sisters deeply and painfully. Today, beauty has already taken my breath away. Today, I forgive myself and accept another chance at love and strength.

Yesterday and yesterday people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Tomorrow and tomorrow people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Today and today people: this about me and my journey and my healing and the people I care about. You can stay.

Note: When I was writing, I had to fight the urge to write in generalizations. Each time I opened a little of myself, I would erase it and put in something else much safer. As you can see, my deeper instincts took over and my vulnerability is on display for all who care to see. Thank you for looking. 

20 Months -- To Be Loved

All my life, I was told that I was too stubborn, too rebellious and too opinionated. This convinced me that, despite my dearest dreams, I would never find my soul mate because no human being would be able to put up with me.

Little did I suspect that there was a beautiful soul who not only appreciates but encourages my independent spirit. 

Jesse, thank you for loving me for who I am and for never failing to encourage me to improve myself. Thank you for needing me. Thank you for being so pure of spirit and soul. You are the most wonderful human being  I have ever met and I get to spend my life with you.

20 months!! Married life is gooooood!!!!!

Because Hugging is Important

Three days ago, Jesse was cleaning up at the shop and managed to get a corrosive substance on his face and in one of his eyes. He immediately went to the bathroom and proceeded to wash it off. Amazingly, he didn't even have redness in the white of his eye, let alone any trouble with his vision. We are so thankful. Every time I see him, hug him, kiss him, I think it again. I am grateful that this incident was simply that: an incident.

Hug your people today. 

Self-worth & Forgiveness

Someone recently posted an article about relying on others (and our relationships with them) for our happiness and how we view ourselves. There are many manifestations of this; among them:  Inability to establish and maintain friendships; dominate/submission relationship; needing to be loved by another to feel validated and significant; tolerating abuse or mistreatment from people while excusing their behavior (i.e. he was having a bad day); feeling personally responsible for the way others act and feel; etc., etc.

The article can be found here; if you're curious, take a look.

The fact is, I am fighting these tendencies all day long. At one point I could check off every item listed in this article. Jesse has never wanted or encouraged them, in fact, something he often says is, "What do you think?" or "What would you do?" He has struggled to help me on towards a more healthy place, mentally and emotionally.

I know so many people who are not only living in codependent relationships, they believe this is the way to pleasing God. Thus, it defines your existence. From my own experience and closely observing others who embrace these relationships, I can say that this mindset is damaging in so many ways.

But the realization of bondage didn't hit me until I had been freed. I cannot believe how blind I was, or that I couldn't see even the most basic of truths. It isn't that I have life and love figured out but there is more Truth in my existence than ever before. Gone are the holds of my past. When old habits come back for a visit, I'm able to recognize them and shut the door. It feels good.

The other part of this post is about forgiveness. Some interesting situations have beset my sister and I lately and I needed a reminder. So, I searched for quotes on the subject and found some that really caught my attention. I was also remembering acts of Jesus towards those around him, especially those closest to him. Most significant was the washing of his disciples feet. What a beautiful example of acceptance and forgiveness and humility. He accepted his disciples for who they were (unrepentant, arrogant), utterly forgave their faults (though they did not ask for it) as he washed the dirt away. I seek for such a spirit.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. 

-- Lewis B. Smedes

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself, for every man has need to be forgiven. 

-- Thomas Fuller

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.

 -- Mark Twain

Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness,
 or else forgiving another. 

-- Jean Paul

Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.

 -- Desmond Tutu

No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self esteem. No one can spare us from life's slings and arrows, and when death comes,

 we meet it alone.

 -- Martha Beck

Courage is grace under pressure. 

-- Ernest Hemingway

Courage is not simply one of the virtues,
 but the form of every virtue at the testing point. 

-- C. S. Lewis

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. 

-- Coco Chanel

Who could refrain who had a heart to love and in that heart courage
 to make that love known. 

-- William Shakespeare

And one just for fun:

I am told that I talk in shorthand and then smudge it. 

-- J.R.R Tolkien

Matthew George

This weekend, Jesse and I traveled to Manitoba to visit Hannah and Daniel... and Matthew. :-) It was so much fun meeting Matthew for the first time. He is very perfect and sweet. 

They are a very happy family. All seem to be adjusting well to his arrival. :-)

Babies and feet. :-)

Motherhood suits her well!!

That expression on his little face makes me giggle every time.

Father and son. Daniel makes a great dad.

Eventually, Jesse's going to make a great father as well.

Someday. :-) 

Frozen Moments

On Friday the 1st, we went to up to Lindsey's place for Erin's bridal shower. Here you can see the happy bride (right) and her twin. Beautiful smiles all around!

Erin's ring.

We got to eat awesome things like broccoli...

....and cheesecake!!

Plus, I got to see some of my siblings. 

Always a treat. They grow so quickly.

Erin opened her presents, which were all useful, pretty and numerous. :-)

We all received gifts to take home as well. Lindsey  made these marvelous cookies in a jar for the favors.

I believe I am going to make them for theatre peoples some evening.

Then we came home. And it snowed.

A lot. 

We were storm stayed for all of Monday.

And Jesse caught a cold,

Which he gave to me.

I love him. :-)

Just My Head

Weird things go through my head sometimes. I don't even have to be physically ill to have a muddled head or think strange thoughts. They simply pop up of their own accord, wander around for a couple seconds and vanish.

This morning, as I washed dishes, wrote letters and ate my breakfast of toast with peanut butter with a little (a lot? ::sheepish::) Nutella, listening to the soundtrack from Life of Pi, my thoughts ranged anywhere from:

"Ahhhhh! Because of the internet, there is ABSOLUTELY no privacy in this world any longer!!! Let's all go hide amongst the rocks and pray that the mountains fall on us!!!! Let me eat my toast first. Can't let Nutella go to waste."

to

"I love that Jesse refuses to eat yogurt. And when I try to feed him pills, we always drop the pill on the floor. Clumsy us. Oh! That time when Jesse decided that blowing off the pill wasn't good enough and he had to rinse it off. Haha! He was like, 'oh no! Now I have pill goo on my fingers!'"

to

"A very french sound in an Eastern Indian soundtrack... Hm. Strange. Correlation between Indian sounds and French sounds... I thought the British took over India. Not the French. I'll have to make sure and look that up on Wikipedia when I get the chocolate washed off my hands."

to

"What does faith mean for me, exactly? Does that mean a blind faith? Or a faith mixed with reason? Or perhaps both. This requires more thought. Mm. Peanut butter is way more palatable when combined with chocolate!"

You see that sarcasm has a comfortable home in my head.

I have to make this jumbled head be still so I can actually get anything done. Admittedly, there are moments when I don't want categorized thoughts. I want to indulge; flitting from one thought to the next brings such clarity at times. But there are responsibilities to be met, bills to be paid, hopes to be hoped, work to be done.

I need to pack for our short trip tomorrow. My camera's battery is being charged, the gifts are all on the pink couch and the cards written. Now, I need to get my clothes in order.

Just in case you're thinking that I eat Nutella all the time, allow me to assure you that I only have it on rare occasions. Why, you ask? It's so good!! Yes, indeed.... but there are 2 reasons I refrain from frequent eating of Nutella: 1 -- It's not good for the waistline. 2 -- When there are long periods of time between feastings, I enjoy Nutella more.

Darn it. I sound like an adult. 

Pieces of Life

It's always nice to wake up in the morning. It means that I am still alive: ready to wrestle and pin down those annoying trifles of life. Well, maybe not ready, per se. But ... able (?). At any rate, I woke up this morning. Enough said.

Saturday evening (around 5 pm), I suddenly felt like vomiting. I didn't vomit (thank goodness!) and the feeling stayed put until 8 pm or so. In the meantime, my head felt fuzzy and explode-ish. Jesse said I had a high fever. Fever make me crazy girl so we went to bed early on a Saturday night. After a restless sleep, I woke up Sunday morn and ta-da: fever was lessened. I'm still not sure what got me because I have no other symptoms. Thankfully, my body appears to be on the mend and I am doubly thankful that I did not give it to anyone else.

My next topic of discussion is all about weather. (Keep reading; weather in Saskatchewan is the most interesting on the planet. Ha!) We've lost friends and acquaintances this winter and several of those losses were a direct result of the weather. Day 1: -50* C. Day 2: -10* C. Day 3: 2*C. Day 4: 1*C. Day 5: -18* C. Freezing, thawing and freezing again leads to melting, storming and freezing roads. This leads to vehicle accidents; often, it seems, the crashes are big truck versus small(er) car. It wasn't the cold weather or the warm weather that bothered me or made road conditions so bad. It was the frequent changes of temperature. The past three days have been steady, however, and I cannot help but feel joyous about the sunshine. This morning at work, I kept mentioning the weather to the customers. The first five all made some remark in true Eeyore spirit: "Well, I just hope it stays this way..." Oh Saskatchewan peoples, you amuse me!

When we first moved into our house, we noticed the office had been leaking. Jesse was concerned about putting his computer into that space for this very reason. However, after covering the computer with plastic for months and never having it leak again, we slowly forgot about the danger and stopped being so cautious. One evening right after Valentine's Day, Jesse got home from work while I was still teaching music... and noticed, to his great dismay, that there was water leaking onto his computer. Upon further inspection, he discovered that his keyboard was directly dripped on and even after many ministrations of drying and putting a million screws back into it (who knew keyboards needed that many implements to hold themselves together!!), only half the keys worked. The circuit board was literally fried. :-P Thankfully, the computer itself was unharmed but it is now covered entirely by plastic bags when not in use.

This is horrible (and not funny at all) but I always giggle in spite of myself: he was putting together dvd of movie clips for the memorial service of a friend (he had to go borrow a keyboard from his parents so he could actually finish the project). By the time he was finished, there were no less than 6 drips dripping all around him. He would be busy working away when suddenly, "Ahhh!! ANOTHER ONE??!" He had bowls sitting everywhere. He would actually have to reach around a bowl to work on his computer. Yeah, imagine that one in your head. As I said: horrible, not funny at all. But such a sketch, eh? Btw, I do find his determination inspiring and my sympathies are with him. I think we need to (1: move the computer. (2: try to figure out where the leak is coming from and why it only leaks there every two years.

Minot was graced with our presence last Monday and Tuesday. We stayed at a hotel, shopped and, most importantly, got Lydia's passport on the roll. Actually, most importantly, we relaxed and had fun. :-) I was a bundle of nerves from living life and needed some down time. We had so much fun. Waterslides, shopping for gifts, buying underwear (that was annoying), eating (hot pretzel bites smothered in melted butter and dipped in sugar cinnamon...), watching a movie... AND I also had two cups of chai.

I love tea and I love chai the best. Add cream and a small dab of sugar to a thick brew of chai and you hold a little bit of heaven in a mug. The world is a better place with a cuppa chai. :-)

On the 16th, we held/attended a memorial service for a good friend of ours. He was part of our theatre group and well loved. We think his life ended much too soon. He did leave a legacy, however. He brought happiness to each life he touched. Because he was an American transplanted into Canada, I was asked to play the anthems for both countries at the service. It was an honor that I will not soon forget. If you think of his family (wife, mother, children, grandchildren...), a prayer for peace and joy to them would be most appreciated. We will never forget you, Dean.

So yeah. Life just keeps moving on. Rapidly. Always good but sometimes the good is really good. (It's been mostly really goods since I met Jesse. :-)) I kept waiting for a moment of inspiration to write but suddenly decided to today was the day I would make my inspiration. Thus, the jumbled thoughts of a certain person who wishes there were more hours in the day. Each moment is a precious gift. I am enjoying mine and I hope you're having great fun with yours!

Christmas Joy and Sorrow

My life has not been without great sorrow. But my life has also not lacked great joy. My friend Father Banga  said "Goodbye" to us on December 14th. It was sudden... and quick, thankfully. When I think of him, my tears are for myself and all of us who will miss him. But his time was up, his work finished. I am so grateful for the time I had with him. There are so many good memories; I often find myself crying and laughing at the same time. Fr. Banga left this world a better place.

Inspiration comes to me in many forms. Death is swallowed with difficulty but leaves me gasping with determination. Pain wants me huddled in a corner but instead often finds me bloodying my fingers with some task I would not have had the courage to do before. Joy sets my feet to dancing and laughing and creating joy for others. Peace cleanses me and puts me on the right path.

Christmas should be a season of joy. My sister has been a wonderful source of inspiration since she moved in with  us in June but especially in the past two months. As soon as Remembrance Day had passed, she got out all of the Christmas decorations and the house was festive in an hour. She has written numerous cards and letters and has sent care packages to people. She has spent money on gifts and time on creating joy for others. I look at her in awe. I am so blessed to have her as a sister.

Each day finds me loving my husband more. He is the most patient of men. He doesn't understand my hormones or emotions but he loves me. He cares for me, "in sickness and in health." He helps me to understand God. The other day, I had a half hour in between lessons and I went into our room. Jesse was there on his computer. As soon as I opened the door, he frantically cleared his computer screen. "Uhhmmm... just some last minute shopping." Christmas is going to be so much fun. He has no idea what I am giving him for Christmas and I have no idea what he is giving me for Christmas.

My mother-in-law is one of a kind: smart, gentle, very grounded. She is generous, yet stays within her boundaries. She is kind, but honest. She is very intelligent, very talented and generally amazing. Before I got married, I was very afraid I was going to marry someone who had a family I wouldn't get along with. So I prayed for a man who's family was one I could fit into. A family that would accept me and who I could accept. And I prayed especially for a mil who would love me. :-)

My friends, my coworkers, my fil, my sil, my cousins-in-law, Cornerstone Theatre peoples... so many wonderful human beings that fill my life with joy. I wish to be an inspiration to them... to the entire world. Someone who changes the world for better.

Merry Christmas. 

A Good Life

Again, my time is limited. My email, blog and facebook all suffer. But, I am living. Sort of.

Pharmasave, teaching, theatre. Cat, husband, sister. Prepare for Christmas. Still take time to talk and snuggle with husband. Take annoying cat off of head.

Christmas! It’s only over a month away.  After Remembrance Day had passed, Lydia started to decorate the house. This is her first Christmas in over 16 years, so she is very excited. Mr. Fox is very excited too. Anything that dangles or rattles or even remotely hints “Catch me if you can” is in imminent danger of being attacked with great vigor. As Lydia and I put up garland around the house, he was always one step behind us, clawing, biting (not us, thankfully) and being annoying. Lol.

But the house looks very festive in spite of him! Or perhaps, because of him. He loves to climb the Christmas tree. He also thinks that ornaments were made for the sole purpose of honing his “how can I rip this out of the tree” abilities. Yes. We love him.

Last year, I decorated the house by myself. This year, it has been nice having Lydia’s extra hands and inspirations. Having a sister around is like having an extra brain. We've been taking turns wrapping gifts. The pile is growing ever so gradually. By the time December rolls around, we'll only have baking left to do. :-)

Jesse and I have been married 14 months. It is still marvelous, in case you were wondering. We have our small disasters. The other night, we were having salmon. Jesse loves making rice to go with it, so he put on the pot. When I came downstairs from teaching, I smelled something burning. Lydia passed it off as the salmon, so I opened the oven. Nope, no burnt meat. You aren’t supposed to lift the lid on the rice until it is finished cooking, so I didn’t touch it. Then, the smoke alarm went off. Apparently, Jesse had forgotten to turn the rice down. It was so burned. But it was hilarious, especially because of the smoke alarm.

The bad part of this story is about how we couldn’t figure out how to get the rice scrubbed out of the pan. We ended up not using it for about a week before Lydia brought home some cleaner from work. Amazing stuff, btw.

If you ever come over for dinner, you’re going to have to get Jesse to make you salmon and rice. It is truly a divine platter. Also, I believe I am going to get him a rice cooker for Christmas.

 Snow, snow, snow. Yes, we have snow. We got more snow overnight than we received all winter last year. I have to admit that, in spite of the presented challenges, I love how the moisture. The more, the better. After looking at the drought across the south, down to Mexico, one cannot help but be thankful for the white stuff. Here’s to the lakes rising another foot and all the greens of the grass and trees.

There are times I wish I had more hours for writing. But that will come eventually. Life; ‘tis good. The best part is that I am capable. Great joy can be found in this. :-)

Schedules are great things.

Trip to the City... Whee!!

Jesse, myself and my sister Lydia are planning a trip to Regina on Sunday night, the 11th. I was wondering if there was anyone in the city who had the space and was willing to put up three people (or two... or one) for a night. If you've already been generous to us previously, please don't feel obligated to put us up. Thanks in advance. :-)

November 5th

We are all a little weird and

Life's a little weird,

And when we find someone whose

Weirdness is compatible with ours,

We join up with them and fall in

Mutual weirdness and call it Love.

-- Dr. Seuss

Two years ago today, Jesse told me he loved me. He also asked if we could date. I said yes. 

I thank God for bringing us together... for giving us courage to step into the unknown.

life is long enough

We have been touched by death.

It is inevitable; it comes to us all, we can't avoid it.

But we have been given life. We should live it.

Tonight I ate clam chowder, cheese bread and apple cheesecake chimichangas. That's a lot of carbs, so tomorrow, I diet. The day after, I diet. The day after that, I diet. ....

But today, I celebrate my husband's 28th birthday and I shared his birthday meal.

Life is too short to do otherwise.

May the hatred turn to love
   the bitter dissolve into forgiveness
     dreams become reality
        and joy forever carry on

Happy Birthday, my love.

On Adulthood, Responsibilities and Kittens

You may be wondering at the lack of posts. So have I. Each time I open my blog to write, there is nothing in my head to write about. That does not mean that nothing is happening. Everything is happening. Lol. Life kicked into gear and is taking us on what feels like a roller coaster ride. It feels good to work, even if I don't want to get up in the morning. Knowing that I've helped put food on the table or, that extra is being put away for renovations or trips, feels really good. And to have a husband who has the strength and character to maintain a steady job is a real God-send.

Life has been a bit bumpy for us the last couple of months. One thing after another. Bills, bills upon more bills. Not much income coming in for a month or so. God provided for us, though. And, we are happy. We have grown closer together; love being a sweet, sweet thing. I am so thankful.

Among the hiccups have been some amusing moments. For instance: we live on the Whitebear Resort, which is lovely. We have to get our water hauled in. Most of us resort people have big water tanks which are filled by a water hauler once a month, or as often as needed. As you well know, my sister Lydia came to live with us in June. Since then, our water consumption has been more. Which means that our tank empties at a faster rate. However, we never seem to calculate this. The past three months, we've ran out of water. Each time, there has been some reason we can't get water for approximately three days. That's an interesting state of affairs. That means having to use the outhouse or the great outdoors/thick underbrush repeatedly for 72  hours. (Please tell me there aren't any rabid skunks in the neighborhood!) Also, this means we have to run over to Jesse's parents house for water to drink. Thankfully, the previous owners of the house left a nice 7 gallon water container for such emergencies. (Jesse  likes to haul this around full so I can see his muscles pop out.) (I love his muscles.) You may be asking why this situation proves so amusing to me. 5 words: Three months in a row.

We took part in the play put on by Cornerstone Theatre. On Friday, my father-in-law and a friend were trying to bring an elderly patron upstairs via the elevator. It promptly broke, of course, and since there were several other waiting riders, they had to fix it. After they had been gone for awhile, my husband went to see if how the repairs were progressing ... and found them locked in the elevator. Through the glass, they tried to give Jesse instructions. Doug said, "You need to find the emergency key for the elevator..."  At that moment, my father-in-law held up something and remarked, "I think it's in here with us." Doug actually banged his head against the wall. Then he remembered there was a second one... Jesse had them out before five minutes had passed. Lol. They were the tech crew for the play, too. Invaluable to the production. Kinda scary when you think about it. Haha!

Then there's teaching; 17 students. Christmas planning. Jesse's birthday planning. Trying to not get the cold that Lydia is getting over and Jesse is coming down with.

On top of it all is Mr. Fox. 

\
Jesse's cousin discovered a very miserable kitten hanging around their porch last week. She thought it was a she. And she thought she should bring this wee, adorable feline over to my inlaws' place. My mil and sil in turn thought of Lydia, who had mentioned wanting a cat. Long story short, "she" turned into a "he" and his name is "Mr. Fox". He is cute, small, about 6 weeks old, has no horrible diseases and Snow is even starting to like him. ;-)

So, life in all it's wonderful busy-ness... Love it. Hate it. Revel in it. I'm living every day with my love and life is goodness. :-) 

Things I Love About Being Married

They warn dourly that life doesn't end when you get married. Marriage isn't the end all, be all, they mutter. Just wait and see after a few months and years of marriage, then you'll understand. Wait until the first argument. Wait until you're tired of being married....

We love cynical peoples. Let's face it, we've got at least one in each of our share of relatives. And you know what makes them so hard to disprove? Every word they say has a little bit of truth to it. So, let me rephrase this:

Thank God life didn't end when we got married: I am enjoying myself too much. Thank God marriage isn't the end all, be all: I would shrivel up and die if I stopped being a growing, unique individual. Thank God that after a year of marriage, I can clearly see and rejoice that I did marry the man God prepared me for. Thank God that I realize marriage is not easy: who would have thought any part of life is all ease and grace? And about those arguments... well, read on.

Someone asked the other day, "What Do you Love Best About Being Married." There were many good answers and I decided it would make a good blog post. :-) This isn't me bragging about my wonderful life: I have problems too. But most of the days in my life, I can choose to look at the positive aspects of my existence. For us, this union has been mind blowing and we have never been happier. My goal for this blog post is to send a positive message about marriage into cyberspace.

For those currently unattached: It is possible to find an imperfect person who is perfect for you because you are an imperfect person who will be perfect for someone.Wait. Pray that you will know when the time comes. Until then, be whole as you are.  Be perfect for you, today. Love who you are. Revel in the good you can be in the world. Fling joy into the universe with the discovery of the possibilities of you.

For those Married, happily or not: As you know, there is no 1-2-3 step plan for happiness. Can you be happy? Yes. If you are happy, can you tell me why? If you're not happy, can you tell me why? What is the greatest lesson you have learned through marriage. Are you cynical? Or do you believe in true love? Why?

Things I Love About Being Married

Companionship: never feeling alone. Before I met Jesse, there never seemed to be anyone who "got" me. I have a strange sense of humor, interests and passions, needs and desires. When I met Jesse, I was astonished to find that someone actually laughed at my jokes. I didn't feel awkward around him. He understands. He accepts me and furthermore, he's my best friend.

Being Loved. When I lose my temper, cry, laugh, scold, praise, talk, fail, succeed or any other thing, I can do so without the fear of being judged. Before we met, I was not sure I wanted to enter a relationship. I had seen so many failed or unhappy marriages. I had seen so many people use, hurt or manipulate their spouse. My fear was that I would marry someone and be stuck forever in an unhappy relationship. I have never been loved unconditionally by a human. I knew God loved me unconditionally, but I didn't understand it until I felt Jesse's love. There are moments when I feel my heart burst in joy because this love is boundless, incomprehensible, faithful and everlasting.

I can be myself. This fits with the above category, but I wanted to explain more specifically: I never felt the freedom to be myself completely. It didn't matter that I had friends who appreciated me. The fact of the matter is: I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. Jesse is un-apologetically himself. When we were first friends, I remember a moment when I realized with certainty that it was ok to enjoy movies, books and stories as much as I do. In fact, it was perfectly fine to have a passion for things that I have a passion for. It was more than ok: I needed to embrace these things in myself because I am unique. Unique is the way God created me. Each day, I revel in this. It was a long time in coming.

Learning Every Day. It's ok to be wrong. It's fine to change your mind. It's a good thing to challenge your opinions and beliefs. We learn about each other; we learn about others; we learn about Eternity; we learn about Truth. We learn about sharing the bed, the shower, the kitchen... we learn about giving each other space, we learn about it being ok to go to the other person if we have an issue or simply need a shoulder to cry on. We learn to communicate and share freely. Even as well as we know each other, each day brings a new delight, a new joy. Oh yes, I married an imperfect man who lives his life gently, kindly, respectfully, lovingly. Each day brings new realizations of this. Learning and growth do not happen all at once; if it did, our human minds would expire. So, God allows us to learn as we live: one day at a time.

Understanding God. When I met Jesse, I caught a glimpse of God's love. The longer I know him, the more godliness I see in him. He loves me as the Bible says Christ loves the Church. Through this, I see Christ's love so clearly now. Jesse loves me unconditionally, freely, passionately. His heart is always towards me, even (especially?) when I do not "deserve it". There will be times when I am apologizing for some wrong I did him and he will simply hug me and whisper, "You make me so happy," while brushing away my regrets. He sees no reason for me to apologize or feel guilt. This love enables me to step out of my faults and seek truer paths. I have never felt a better understanding of my God, Eternity and Truth.
If only more husbands would love their wives as Christ loves his Bride. If only religion and self interest would not raise their ugly heads. If only people would step away from themselves and seek only better things for others...

When We Are Sick.  There were days when I used to get a cold and I banished myself to a room with a roll of toilet paper, a glass of water and a book... and closed the door. Now, there is Jesse with water, broth, food, hugs and kisses and holding my hand. I almost like being sick. Lol. The same goes for when he's the one under the weather. I hover over him, feed him, make sure he's warm...  It makes those "in sickness and in health" vows really come to life.

Cuddling. Yes, I have discovered that when it comes to us, cuddling is the greatest thing on earth. I never liked cuddling except if it involved a sibling and even then, I preferred having my space. But Jesse seems to have broken most of the rules in my rule book. :-) Now, I cuddle, share a glass, play footsie, flirt outrageously and only God knows what else...

Forgiveness. This could fall into almost any of the other categories, but forgiveness deserves one to itself. As individuals, both of us had to learn about forgiving others. People in both of our lives have hurt us in the past. By the time we had met, we were at a point where each of us realized the need to accept and love others. Yes, regardless of the pains and frustrations they cause us. :-) This love requires forgiveness. Jesse and I are far from perfection. We both have our moments. But even in these, we are able to stop and look at each other. Forgiveness is a proactive. I am thankful the many hard lessons learned before our paths converged. This was no accident.

Deciding What to Make for Supper. Yes, 'tis a difficult decision; not one to be taken lightly. We could have leftovers or I could make something new. We could have soup, burritos, roasted chicken, hamburgers, clam chowder, salmon, pizza... the list goes on. Should we have something sweet to drink or is water just fine? And what about salad and dessert? The amount of responsibility is rather amazing when it comes to meals. But oh-so-fun... How great is it to be able to look in my cupboards and decide what to make? So many endless possibilities! Jesse loves a good cake, so some days I will surprise him by having a cake on the table when he gets home from work.
Here's another thing that amazes me: Jesse loves working in the kitchen. So if I end up working Saturday and he is at home, he'll make food. Good food. His honey mustard salmon recipe is amazing. Oh dear... I'm drooling.

Watching T.V. Together. Nearly every night, we watch shows or movies. The creation of stories is a passion we share. Before we met, we pursued it on our own and now that we are together, the paths converge and we are enjoying ourselves a great deal. :-) A story that is well written can be about anything and we will find enjoyment in it. I was more a fantasy girl but Jesse has introduced me to science fiction... and we both love detective/crime shows. The list of shows and movies we watch is ever growing and ridiculous. Lol. Some of our favorites are: Grimm, Person of Interest, Big Bang Theory, Red, Touch, Once Upon A Time, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Pirates of the Caribbean, Tintin, Sherlock, The New Normal, Star Trek, West Wing... I could be here all day.

Arguing. Finally, we get to it. No, it doesn't happen very often. The first time we had a disagreement, I felt horrible about it. I apologized for days. However, over the course of the past months, we have come to the realization that arguments and differences in opinion are actually good things. They keep our relationship interesting. We still don't like to argue but we are now able to step back and look at the argument and each other from a different perspective. Have you ever met a couple who didn't argue? I have. It usually means that one person in the relationship is very dominate. The dominate person will tell the other person what to do, what to think, what to wear, etc. Usually, it's much easier for the non-dominate person to not think as thinking can be painful. Healthy relationships are based on equality. Both parties must use their ability to think and make decisions. When Jesse and I disagree because we are both strong people with opinions. But what makes these arguments so good is that we're willing to let someone or something prove our opinions wrong. May we never get set in our ways! is our motto. Truth does not allow for minds that won't be changed.

Submission. I hated this word. In fact, there are moments when I still loathe it. People defile it, making it into something ugly and sinful. They demand it, manipulate it, revel in it. I was very leery of relationship for this reason. What I did not realize was how beautiful submission can be. Yes, it does mean giving up one's will. Yet, when submitting to someone you respect and cherish, submission also means retaining your will. I submit to Jesse because I want to. Jesse submits to me because he wants to. We are equals. We do not demand it of each other; we submit freely. We have learned that submission from both is necessary for any healthy relationship. Just as Christ submitted himself to us so that we might have a relationship with him, so must we submit ourselves to him. True, biblical submission involves purity of heart and soul.

Being Involved in Theatre Together. Taking Walks Together. Holding Hands. Laughing Together. Talking to People Together. Encouraging Each Other. Hating Raisins Together.

Thanking God for Each Other.

This turned into a longer post than I had intended. :-) I am just purely grateful for Jesse and how healing he has been for me. I have grown and changed so much because of him. His heart is mine and mine is his. Our life together has been beyond my wildest dreams. I love who he is. I love who I am.

Take heart. Joy cometh in the morning.

1 Year

Jesse and Naomi Twietmeyer

September 10th, 2011

it's been a good year

Life!

I've been busy. Really, really busy. I have pictures to prove this busy-ness. Unfortunately, the internet speed does not allow me to post said pictures. So you'll just have to believe without the proof. Hehe.

1: For two weeks, we practiced every other day with Downwind for the Oxbow Jamboree. I feel incredibly fortunate that Dianne asked for backup vocals and percussion. Not only did I get to experience singing with her, Paul, Jesse and Leroy, I got to meet the other band members. FYI, they all turn into superstars when behind their instrument and a microphone.

2: August 5th, 2012. Oxbow Jamboree. It was 32* C. If you don't know what that is in F. go to Google. Judging from the number of people who approached different members of Downwind with positive comments, I'd say we did well. My favorite part of the entire process was how the children came right up to the bottom of the stage and stared at us (in awe!) the entire time. I hope we inspired the next generation of musicians/artists.

3: August 7th and 10th were spent in Alameda at Wildflower Organics processing chickens. We did 100 a day. I got paid in chickens and this truly helps with the food bill. Surprisingly, I discovered that I really enjoyed my days, even if I was up to my elbows in chicken blood, feces, internal goo and feathers. The sunshine, the clouds, the wind... it was so nice to be outside for hours at a time. Plus, it feels so good being responsible and helping feed us.

4: Work, work, work. Yes. Plus I've been trying to clean house when I get home... and be a most attentive wife to my man. I love him so!

5: We celebrated 11 months of marriage yesterday and 2 years of first meeting on August 6th. We are so very happy. I wish I could spread the pure joy we feel around the world. People need it right now... especially in Syria.

6: You know our rhubarb plants that I was so excited about? The one that was red all the way through and incredibly sweet? Well, the neighbor may have accidentally killed it. I get tragically sad whenever I think about it. He offered to give us a new plant if ours didn't survive this. I'm really hoping and praying that it did...

7: I made tie-dye cupcakes last night and frosted them this morning. I love colors. Co-op was selling Neon food coloring so I used that. Such bright, magnificent shades!!

8: Eventually I'll try to post pictures of all of these events. But until then, I have to prepare myself for work (yes, I have to work this Saturday) (but next Saturday, I do not!)... Have a wonderful day. I am pretty sure I will. :-)

9: P.S. Jesse came down with a bad sinus cold yesterday. I hate leaving him when he's sick. (Welll... I hate leaving him at any time..)

2012 Trip -- Hollywood & Universal Studios

This is a hurried post. I hope you enjoy the pictures!

At Universal Studios, we went on The Studio Backlot Tour. 

Flash floods and fake rain.

We saw many sets but I liked this picture of the fake buildings the best. ;-) Western Town! It has been used since the early Westerns. Lots of history!

The plane crash from Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds. 

Apparently, this plane used to fly and was destroyed specifically for this movie. There was a lot of fake smoke, sirens and no fake bodies. (Unfortunately.)

At the Animal Actors show, they presented many trained animals, birds and rodents...

Jesse volunteered for this trick, in which the bird took a one dollar bill from his hand and flew back to it's trainer. (Then the bird gave it back.)

Flying in the wind! (Or above the fan, as the case may be.)

This is an exotic fox. He was beautiful. Where he came from, we cannot remember. (But his trainers know, so all is well.)

Each time an animal went past that "Today's Special" sign, they would change it. For instance, the chickens switched it from "fried chicken" to "ham sandwich", which the pig changed back... 

Frankenstein's Monster and Jesse. Apparently, The Creature took quite a liking to my hubby because he was very insistent about this pose. Lol.

In this picture, Mr. Monster was trying to tie me up but I wouldn't let him. Haha. 

In the background, you can see the entrance to the House of Horrors. Jesse took me into it for a second time just to hear me scream. There's something about creepy guys in spooky masks/costumes leaping out of shadowy corners that makes my knees go weak. 

Needless to say, I always empty my bladder beforehand.

The Jurassic Park ride. We got soaked. Especially me!

Hello, Hollywood.

We like helicopters. Also, a shot of L.A.

Can you tell that I took this one while we were moving? :-) I love these flowers. I've seen them growing domestically and along the roads all along the coastline. Finally, I have a picture!

The hallways of our hotel are decorated in old black and white glamour pictures. The women were so feminine and graceful back then. 

Blue Glasses For the Sun Grow Legs

I have two pairs of sunglasses at home in Saskatchewan. The morning we left on our trip, I was driving and the sun came out. That was when I discovered that I had left both pairs back in the house. Unfortunately, my eyes are such that when the sun is out, I need sunglasses to drive. So, at a gas station in Alberta, I saw a rack with sunglasses on it and found a really cool blue pair that I liked. They were cheaper but were comfortable and they looked good on me. So I purchased them and proceeded to grow rather fond of them.

Today, the roses along the pond in California Adventure beckoned to me and I took a dozen or so shots. Then the brilliant idea came to me: why not have my dear, patient husband take my picture with the roses? In preparation for this operation, I took off my snazzy blue sunglasses and laid them on the backpack, handed my camera to Jesse and posed. Two minutes later, Jesse picks up the backpack... and no sunglasses. They had grown legs and walked away. 

At first I was very upset. Jesse assures me that I didn't say much, but I can assure you that I was fighting tears. It didn't help that we were so tired (it was our third day at Disneyland/California Adventure) and hot (the sun came out today, finally!). I started praying that God would work out and I would get my sunglasses back. I prayed that whoever had my glasses would do the right thing and return them. 

Part of the reason I was upset was because Disneyland/California Adventure is a special place. You just don't worry about certain things, like... theft,for instance. I felt perfectly safe leaving my sunglasses on the backpack (which was laying on the ground, 6 ft behind me). When that person took my sunglasses, they disturbed the spirit of trust and honesty of the place. The other part of me was upset that I had spent over $20 on a pair of sunglasses, only to (through foolishness on my part) lose them and waste that money. 

Fast forward two minutes: a float was coming down the street and we were trying to get somewhere else, so we were making our way down the sidewalk. People were everywhere. Suddenly, I spotted a Nikon lens cap laying on the sidewalk. It almost got stepped on three different times before I got there and picked it up. I didn't know where the Lost and Found was, so I handed it to a security officer and off we went. 

Fast forward several hours: we had just come off of the California Screamin' (a huge roller coaster that is awesome... among other things, you go upside down on it) and I looked down beside my foot and there was an earring. Not just a small earring, but a big, expensive looking earring. Again, I had no idea where the lost and found was located so I took it to a security officer. 

My eyes are beginning to close here so I will get to the point(s) of my tale: (1: my glasses are still running and probably will never come back to me. (2: God answered my prayer in a completely different way than I anticipated. (3: I am completely at peace and over the situation. That's called God's answer. (4: Even if I had not been hyper aware of lost/stolen personal belongings, I think I would have done the right thing and taken those items to security. However, maybe I wouldn't have seen them or perhaps, had been too lazy to do anything if my sunglasses hadn't been stolen. (5: Once again, God's way is always best. Even if we don't understand it. However, if we can come to that place of simple faith, we do catch a little glimpse of his glory. (6: Note to self: don't be lazy. Put your belongings in a safe place. :-) (7: I'm so glad they didn't take the backpack.