Vulnerability: the Sanest Place To Be

We're going to Europe. That is what's on my mind. I should probably be looking for places to stay in Frankfurt. And researching good, cheap places to eat for foodies in the Black Forest. Which shop sells the best chocolate in Switzerland? I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT THE MARKET PLACES IN GERMANY!! AHHHHH!!! That being said, a month long adventure is not the only thing occupying my thoughts. So, instead of looking at hundreds of room listings and affordable restaurants, here I am. For the first time in a year, I am endeavoring to write a blog post. It feels... strange.

September 13th, 2014 will mark four years since I left home. The first four years, they say. After 1460 days, things start getting better. Your brain can keep up with your emotions. Your soul doesn't feel so flattened under the stress of figuring out exactly who you are. Your heart can open itself with a little more trust. You don't remember the voices and accusations and mind games so clearly; each breath becomes a little easier. Has it worked? Am I more... me?

Ask me in September.

What I can tell you is that I have been learning and changing. (A lot.) For instance: as long as I can remember, my emotions were frowned upon, punished and thrown negatively at me as "female." Apparently, only females have emotions and all emotion is bad. (Unless, of course, you're "content" and "joyful".) :nods:

It's come to my attention that my emotions exist and I cannot negate them without negating myself. 

Before we go any further, let me tell you: men and women have emotions. The angriest, most depressed, violently emotional person I know is a male and the most emotionally repressed people I know are of both genders. Being told that my emotions were insignificant was a way of making me doubt myself. After years of being told that all women are easily deceived and that I couldn't trust thoughts, feelings or emotions, getting out of a harmful relationship and an abusive home situation was almost impossible. Saving myself was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I did it. This gives me hope for everyone involved in abusive situations. We don't need people to save us. Yes, we need people to help us ... maybe even give us that little nudge onto a different path.. but ultimately, we must save ourselves. That is what this blog post is about.

Negative emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Yes, there are days when they do overwhelm me. There are still days that I would rather traverse a room filled with snakes and spiders than face my emotions. My anger and horror and fears about my previous home and some of the authoritarian figures in the past years of my life had been pushed down for decades. The worse my life became, the happier the mask I put on. After an entire life of pretending, I didn't know what what was real or false. What was I? Sad? Happy? What should I be? I should be happy, right? At approx. 1350 days, I've discovered that the strain of holding down that much negativity can seriously dent a person.

I refuse to play this game any longer. I am so sick and tired of the lies I was forced to live and adhere to. I finally do not have to feel any thing or any way for any one. So yes, there is much for me to be angry about. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm confused. In facing these emotions, I find myself finally being honest and discovering things about myself. I am also finding that after all those years of pushing down those emotions, feeling resembles a dam bursting and the resulting flood.

"I am so sad. I feel like my parents will never admit anything. My siblings will never stop pushing me away. It doesn't matter how much I reach out to them, they are never safe. I remember what it feels like to not be accepted for who I am. I remember how it feels to live in constant fear. The long days and months and years of waiting... it feels hopeless..."

"Yeah! I am so happy! The world is a wonderful place! Everybody needs to feel this happy. Jesse is amazing and wonderful and more than I could ever ask for. I can't believe how lucky we are. He is my soul. Just thinking about him makes my heart do strange things. Each day, love feels more real and tangible than the last. L. is also on this journey of healing... she is so strong. Every day, I am amazed by her. H. is opening her eyes and starting to accept our past. Her path is rocky but she is up for the challenge. God is real and close. I cannot believe the how much he knows about me and how strong he wants me to be. I know that he has been there all along for me. I know that this hard path my siblings are walking right now must have some purpose. I trust that eventually, they will find the courage and strength to accept the truth and reach out for help."

These are things I have every right to feel deeply saddened about. These are things I have every right to feel elated about. Most of my days, I can handle parts of both -- balancing the sorrow and joy is something healthy people do. My journey is not so simple, though. I've just begun. Some of my days are deeply sad or ecstatically happy. But there is a good part to this: something I've learned over the past few months is that I can acknowledge my emotions.

"I am sad. It's ok to be sad. Why am I sad? Because that man reminded you of someone who hurt you for many years. It's ok. Don't stop looking. Be sad. Don't hide it. Tell someone if you need to."

"I'm scared. Why am I scared? I was happy and I'm scared that if I'm happy, someone will see that and use it against me. That happened to you many times. You would have things you liked or appreciated taken from you just because you felt affection towards them. Why did he do this to you? Because he had to be in control. But you are in control now. Jesse is not an abusive person. He is a loving person. Trust yourself; trust him. Start there."

"I'm happy! Why am I happy? Because I feel loved. Why do you feel loved? Because you are loving yourself and those around you. You are able. You are in control of your life and your emotions. I'm also listening to the main theme from Indiana Jones. That might have something to do with it."

"I have faith in people. Why do I have faith? Because my heart is able to open itself today. It doesn't matter how many times people turn their backs on me, I am going to be there when they need me again. I am actively forgiving them. I have faith that eventually, they will reach out for love and acceptance. When they hurt me, it is because they feel vulnerable. When they slap my face, it is because they feel that someone is doing something much worse to them. When they reject me, it's because they are afraid someone is going to reject them. When they refuse my love, it is because they are terrified of their world crashing around them and all the doors closing. I've been there. I understand. I love them."

There are millions of other emotions. I have just touched the surface of mine. In the midst of the swirling pool of confusion, there is something I know in certainty: I can become stronger. Today, I am stronger. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who cares? Yesterday doesn't matter either. Today, I am writing a blog post. Today, I woke up. Today, I told my husband that I loved him. Today, I listened to the sounds from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Braveheart and The Artist. Today, I picked up some shirts from the floor. Today, I love my brothers and sisters deeply and painfully. Today, beauty has already taken my breath away. Today, I forgive myself and accept another chance at love and strength.

Yesterday and yesterday people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Tomorrow and tomorrow people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Today and today people: this about me and my journey and my healing and the people I care about. You can stay.

Note: When I was writing, I had to fight the urge to write in generalizations. Each time I opened a little of myself, I would erase it and put in something else much safer. As you can see, my deeper instincts took over and my vulnerability is on display for all who care to see. Thank you for looking. 

Self-worth & Forgiveness

Someone recently posted an article about relying on others (and our relationships with them) for our happiness and how we view ourselves. There are many manifestations of this; among them:  Inability to establish and maintain friendships; dominate/submission relationship; needing to be loved by another to feel validated and significant; tolerating abuse or mistreatment from people while excusing their behavior (i.e. he was having a bad day); feeling personally responsible for the way others act and feel; etc., etc.

The article can be found here; if you're curious, take a look.

The fact is, I am fighting these tendencies all day long. At one point I could check off every item listed in this article. Jesse has never wanted or encouraged them, in fact, something he often says is, "What do you think?" or "What would you do?" He has struggled to help me on towards a more healthy place, mentally and emotionally.

I know so many people who are not only living in codependent relationships, they believe this is the way to pleasing God. Thus, it defines your existence. From my own experience and closely observing others who embrace these relationships, I can say that this mindset is damaging in so many ways.

But the realization of bondage didn't hit me until I had been freed. I cannot believe how blind I was, or that I couldn't see even the most basic of truths. It isn't that I have life and love figured out but there is more Truth in my existence than ever before. Gone are the holds of my past. When old habits come back for a visit, I'm able to recognize them and shut the door. It feels good.

The other part of this post is about forgiveness. Some interesting situations have beset my sister and I lately and I needed a reminder. So, I searched for quotes on the subject and found some that really caught my attention. I was also remembering acts of Jesus towards those around him, especially those closest to him. Most significant was the washing of his disciples feet. What a beautiful example of acceptance and forgiveness and humility. He accepted his disciples for who they were (unrepentant, arrogant), utterly forgave their faults (though they did not ask for it) as he washed the dirt away. I seek for such a spirit.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. 

-- Lewis B. Smedes

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself, for every man has need to be forgiven. 

-- Thomas Fuller

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.

 -- Mark Twain

Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness,
 or else forgiving another. 

-- Jean Paul

Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.

 -- Desmond Tutu

No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self esteem. No one can spare us from life's slings and arrows, and when death comes,

 we meet it alone.

 -- Martha Beck

Courage is grace under pressure. 

-- Ernest Hemingway

Courage is not simply one of the virtues,
 but the form of every virtue at the testing point. 

-- C. S. Lewis

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. 

-- Coco Chanel

Who could refrain who had a heart to love and in that heart courage
 to make that love known. 

-- William Shakespeare

And one just for fun:

I am told that I talk in shorthand and then smudge it. 

-- J.R.R Tolkien

The Morning After...

Yesterday afternoon/evening we had another major storm/snowfall.

This time the wind picked up and created major drifts, even in White Bear.

Here's hoping it's the last of the season.

The neighborhood dogs were really having fun. All I can say is: at least something is enjoying this indecent amount of snow.

One of my favorite shots.

Yours truly, shoveling out the top of the driveway.

Lydia took over. I love this picture of her.

The grader operator saw us working and decided to come help us. 

First he removed the remainder of the berm at the top of the driveway.

Then he motioned for us to move out of the way. So we did. Look how excited Lydia is. :-) If I hadn't been holding a camera, I probably would have been jumping up and down for joy. Lol.

It's -31* C. outside so the snow is pretty fluffy.

Look at it just... move out of the way.

So much snow. Here's hoping our drainage system works this Spring.

Lydia's van is turning into a snowbank.

I'm thinking deck party.

Pieces of Life

It's always nice to wake up in the morning. It means that I am still alive: ready to wrestle and pin down those annoying trifles of life. Well, maybe not ready, per se. But ... able (?). At any rate, I woke up this morning. Enough said.

Saturday evening (around 5 pm), I suddenly felt like vomiting. I didn't vomit (thank goodness!) and the feeling stayed put until 8 pm or so. In the meantime, my head felt fuzzy and explode-ish. Jesse said I had a high fever. Fever make me crazy girl so we went to bed early on a Saturday night. After a restless sleep, I woke up Sunday morn and ta-da: fever was lessened. I'm still not sure what got me because I have no other symptoms. Thankfully, my body appears to be on the mend and I am doubly thankful that I did not give it to anyone else.

My next topic of discussion is all about weather. (Keep reading; weather in Saskatchewan is the most interesting on the planet. Ha!) We've lost friends and acquaintances this winter and several of those losses were a direct result of the weather. Day 1: -50* C. Day 2: -10* C. Day 3: 2*C. Day 4: 1*C. Day 5: -18* C. Freezing, thawing and freezing again leads to melting, storming and freezing roads. This leads to vehicle accidents; often, it seems, the crashes are big truck versus small(er) car. It wasn't the cold weather or the warm weather that bothered me or made road conditions so bad. It was the frequent changes of temperature. The past three days have been steady, however, and I cannot help but feel joyous about the sunshine. This morning at work, I kept mentioning the weather to the customers. The first five all made some remark in true Eeyore spirit: "Well, I just hope it stays this way..." Oh Saskatchewan peoples, you amuse me!

When we first moved into our house, we noticed the office had been leaking. Jesse was concerned about putting his computer into that space for this very reason. However, after covering the computer with plastic for months and never having it leak again, we slowly forgot about the danger and stopped being so cautious. One evening right after Valentine's Day, Jesse got home from work while I was still teaching music... and noticed, to his great dismay, that there was water leaking onto his computer. Upon further inspection, he discovered that his keyboard was directly dripped on and even after many ministrations of drying and putting a million screws back into it (who knew keyboards needed that many implements to hold themselves together!!), only half the keys worked. The circuit board was literally fried. :-P Thankfully, the computer itself was unharmed but it is now covered entirely by plastic bags when not in use.

This is horrible (and not funny at all) but I always giggle in spite of myself: he was putting together dvd of movie clips for the memorial service of a friend (he had to go borrow a keyboard from his parents so he could actually finish the project). By the time he was finished, there were no less than 6 drips dripping all around him. He would be busy working away when suddenly, "Ahhh!! ANOTHER ONE??!" He had bowls sitting everywhere. He would actually have to reach around a bowl to work on his computer. Yeah, imagine that one in your head. As I said: horrible, not funny at all. But such a sketch, eh? Btw, I do find his determination inspiring and my sympathies are with him. I think we need to (1: move the computer. (2: try to figure out where the leak is coming from and why it only leaks there every two years.

Minot was graced with our presence last Monday and Tuesday. We stayed at a hotel, shopped and, most importantly, got Lydia's passport on the roll. Actually, most importantly, we relaxed and had fun. :-) I was a bundle of nerves from living life and needed some down time. We had so much fun. Waterslides, shopping for gifts, buying underwear (that was annoying), eating (hot pretzel bites smothered in melted butter and dipped in sugar cinnamon...), watching a movie... AND I also had two cups of chai.

I love tea and I love chai the best. Add cream and a small dab of sugar to a thick brew of chai and you hold a little bit of heaven in a mug. The world is a better place with a cuppa chai. :-)

On the 16th, we held/attended a memorial service for a good friend of ours. He was part of our theatre group and well loved. We think his life ended much too soon. He did leave a legacy, however. He brought happiness to each life he touched. Because he was an American transplanted into Canada, I was asked to play the anthems for both countries at the service. It was an honor that I will not soon forget. If you think of his family (wife, mother, children, grandchildren...), a prayer for peace and joy to them would be most appreciated. We will never forget you, Dean.

So yeah. Life just keeps moving on. Rapidly. Always good but sometimes the good is really good. (It's been mostly really goods since I met Jesse. :-)) I kept waiting for a moment of inspiration to write but suddenly decided to today was the day I would make my inspiration. Thus, the jumbled thoughts of a certain person who wishes there were more hours in the day. Each moment is a precious gift. I am enjoying mine and I hope you're having great fun with yours!

Senses

The other day, I had put a bean soup into the slow cooker in the morning. It had heated nicely and was smelling the house up by the time we got home from work. When we walked in the door, Lydia said, "Ohh. The cat litter is smelling." I smelled for a second then turned to her and said, "Actually, that's the beans." Says something about my cooking, doesn't it? Lol.

I am still in the midst of editing wedding pictures. Even though I had hoped to complete the remainder of them on Wednesday evening, there are still around 100 left. One more evening! Here are a couple that I enjoyed.

Other than that, preparing music festival entry forms has been taking up my time. And oh yes! My phone crashed yesterday morning. Since I use it mostly for teaching and keep very little personal stuff on it, the damage isn't too bad. But it is annoying that I lost all of my contacts. At least we got it working again. I rather need it...

Christmas Joy and Sorrow

My life has not been without great sorrow. But my life has also not lacked great joy. My friend Father Banga  said "Goodbye" to us on December 14th. It was sudden... and quick, thankfully. When I think of him, my tears are for myself and all of us who will miss him. But his time was up, his work finished. I am so grateful for the time I had with him. There are so many good memories; I often find myself crying and laughing at the same time. Fr. Banga left this world a better place.

Inspiration comes to me in many forms. Death is swallowed with difficulty but leaves me gasping with determination. Pain wants me huddled in a corner but instead often finds me bloodying my fingers with some task I would not have had the courage to do before. Joy sets my feet to dancing and laughing and creating joy for others. Peace cleanses me and puts me on the right path.

Christmas should be a season of joy. My sister has been a wonderful source of inspiration since she moved in with  us in June but especially in the past two months. As soon as Remembrance Day had passed, she got out all of the Christmas decorations and the house was festive in an hour. She has written numerous cards and letters and has sent care packages to people. She has spent money on gifts and time on creating joy for others. I look at her in awe. I am so blessed to have her as a sister.

Each day finds me loving my husband more. He is the most patient of men. He doesn't understand my hormones or emotions but he loves me. He cares for me, "in sickness and in health." He helps me to understand God. The other day, I had a half hour in between lessons and I went into our room. Jesse was there on his computer. As soon as I opened the door, he frantically cleared his computer screen. "Uhhmmm... just some last minute shopping." Christmas is going to be so much fun. He has no idea what I am giving him for Christmas and I have no idea what he is giving me for Christmas.

My mother-in-law is one of a kind: smart, gentle, very grounded. She is generous, yet stays within her boundaries. She is kind, but honest. She is very intelligent, very talented and generally amazing. Before I got married, I was very afraid I was going to marry someone who had a family I wouldn't get along with. So I prayed for a man who's family was one I could fit into. A family that would accept me and who I could accept. And I prayed especially for a mil who would love me. :-)

My friends, my coworkers, my fil, my sil, my cousins-in-law, Cornerstone Theatre peoples... so many wonderful human beings that fill my life with joy. I wish to be an inspiration to them... to the entire world. Someone who changes the world for better.

Merry Christmas. 

A Good Life

Again, my time is limited. My email, blog and facebook all suffer. But, I am living. Sort of.

Pharmasave, teaching, theatre. Cat, husband, sister. Prepare for Christmas. Still take time to talk and snuggle with husband. Take annoying cat off of head.

Christmas! It’s only over a month away.  After Remembrance Day had passed, Lydia started to decorate the house. This is her first Christmas in over 16 years, so she is very excited. Mr. Fox is very excited too. Anything that dangles or rattles or even remotely hints “Catch me if you can” is in imminent danger of being attacked with great vigor. As Lydia and I put up garland around the house, he was always one step behind us, clawing, biting (not us, thankfully) and being annoying. Lol.

But the house looks very festive in spite of him! Or perhaps, because of him. He loves to climb the Christmas tree. He also thinks that ornaments were made for the sole purpose of honing his “how can I rip this out of the tree” abilities. Yes. We love him.

Last year, I decorated the house by myself. This year, it has been nice having Lydia’s extra hands and inspirations. Having a sister around is like having an extra brain. We've been taking turns wrapping gifts. The pile is growing ever so gradually. By the time December rolls around, we'll only have baking left to do. :-)

Jesse and I have been married 14 months. It is still marvelous, in case you were wondering. We have our small disasters. The other night, we were having salmon. Jesse loves making rice to go with it, so he put on the pot. When I came downstairs from teaching, I smelled something burning. Lydia passed it off as the salmon, so I opened the oven. Nope, no burnt meat. You aren’t supposed to lift the lid on the rice until it is finished cooking, so I didn’t touch it. Then, the smoke alarm went off. Apparently, Jesse had forgotten to turn the rice down. It was so burned. But it was hilarious, especially because of the smoke alarm.

The bad part of this story is about how we couldn’t figure out how to get the rice scrubbed out of the pan. We ended up not using it for about a week before Lydia brought home some cleaner from work. Amazing stuff, btw.

If you ever come over for dinner, you’re going to have to get Jesse to make you salmon and rice. It is truly a divine platter. Also, I believe I am going to get him a rice cooker for Christmas.

 Snow, snow, snow. Yes, we have snow. We got more snow overnight than we received all winter last year. I have to admit that, in spite of the presented challenges, I love how the moisture. The more, the better. After looking at the drought across the south, down to Mexico, one cannot help but be thankful for the white stuff. Here’s to the lakes rising another foot and all the greens of the grass and trees.

There are times I wish I had more hours for writing. But that will come eventually. Life; ‘tis good. The best part is that I am capable. Great joy can be found in this. :-)

Schedules are great things.

Trip to the City... Whee!!

Jesse, myself and my sister Lydia are planning a trip to Regina on Sunday night, the 11th. I was wondering if there was anyone in the city who had the space and was willing to put up three people (or two... or one) for a night. If you've already been generous to us previously, please don't feel obligated to put us up. Thanks in advance. :-)

Fall in White Bear

My sister Cilla.

Cilla is so lovely.

Isn't Lydia beautiful?

16 ounces of happiness

"Oh dear, how undignified!"

= 1 lb of joy

1: Sleeping in an hour this morning with my beloved. (Oh happy mistake!)
2: Eating leftover peach cobbler. (The dumplings were soggy... :happy sigh:)
3: Making pastry for apple, lemon meringue and banana cream pies. (Lydia is making and eating the last mentioned because Jesse and I :dances of joy: are adults and don't eat bananas.)
4: Cleaning up our room. (It really needs it.)
5: Sitting at the table, talking with my sister Lydia. (We've nearly covered every topic under the sun.)
6: Anticipating Cilla's visit on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7: Getting a $65 cheque from Homespun in the mail. (We never win anything and this Homespun found us winning twice: once in Jesse's name and once in mine.)
8: Helping someone print nearly a thousand wedding pictures this morning at Pharmasave. (Yes, I LOVE looking at wedding pictures.)
9: Getting ready for students and teaching and all things music. (Beginning of October, here we come.)
10: Listening to Liszt on the radio and daydreaming about someday...

11: Having running water and electricity in our house. (Makes my day every day.)
12: Kissing my husband goodbye (sad) and knowing we'll see each other again in 9 hours (happy).
13: Having a boss and coworkers who understand. (They are amazing... each and every one of them.)
14: Opening my kitchen cupboards and seeing the dishes my Grandma gave me for my hopechest. (I love you, Grandma.)
15: Buying ingredients for Lasagna. Enough said.
16: Thinking about one's life and realizing how wonderful it is. (Jesse, I love you.)

Odds and Ends

I love those who yearn for the impossible. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today, I weeded part of the garden. It feels so good to finally be able to get my fingers in the dirt and to clean the unwanted weeds away from the peppers, tomatoes, garlic, corn and onions. And I didn't even get to the potatoes or lettuce yet. I had been wanting to get into the garden for a few weeks now but the rain kept coming down. A day would begin with the sun but by noon, the clouds were rolling in. Finally, after a few days of heat, the ground was dry enough for me to get out there.

Last weekend was The Boogie Fest in Carlyle. At one point, there were over 50 motorcycles on Main Street... all painted in different colors and designs. Such fun! Also, all of the Pharmasave Chicks were supposed to dress up as bikers, so Lydia and I obliged them. It was a lot of fun and rather nice not to have to worry about looking nice for a couple days. Lol.

The one who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone, is likely to find himself in the places no one has ever been before. -- Albert Einstein

Saturday evening, I called to ask about a couple things and Zeke answered the phone. I can't believe how old he is: this February, he turned 13. It seems like just yesterday he was in diapers, spitting up milk.We talked for about an hour about a lot of stuff. He has a keen mind that never stops. I hope he will never be satisfied with what he thinks. He is very skilled in several areas... music has always been a gift to him.

I was always fascinated by people who are considered completely normal, because I find them the weirdest of all. -- Johnny Depp

Jesse and I are getting ready to leave on our belated honeymoon. Actually, this might be considered our 3rd honeymoon. (The first two were spent in Regina.) We're excited about the trip as a whole, of course... but there are a couple things I am really pumped about: seeing my relatives and having them meet Jesse for the first time. Especially my uncles and aunts and cousins. I'm also excited about San Franscisco: I want to eat the famous sourdough and clam chowder. While we were living in Melville, Dad was against eating yeast for a few months. So, we made sour dough bread. In the books, they would say stuff like, "This is similar to the famous San Francisco Sour Dough, etc., etc." Allow me to assure you that our sour dough was nothing like San Francisco sour dough. In fact, I'm not even sure our attempts deserve the title of sour dough. More like "sour rocks" or "break-your-teeth-sour-dough". Lol. Those months of no yeast diet were veryyyy long. However, even with that experience under my belt, I am still very happy to finally have a chance to eat real San Francisco Sour Dough. :-)

Pictures will be posted periodically as I take them and get internet access. It's going to be a really intense trip, with many sights to see. When I discovered that Jesse's family were overseas travelers, I was overjoyed because I have always wanted to travel. This trip is going to be a beginning; a simply marvelous beginning! And California is always a good place to begin anything!

Enemies are so stimulating. -- Katherine Hepburn

Why yes, they are, Miz Katherine. Did you have anyone in particular in mind? ;-) 

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. -- Audrey Hepburn 

Lydia has been sick the past couple of days. When I first began work at Pharmasave, I got really sick a couple weeks into it. Lydia is probably having a similar experience. We`re around sick people 5 days a week and one's immune system must build up to resisting everything you're in contact with. So we're taking good care of her and making her rest and drink lots of fluids. She's pretty pleasant for being sick so I can't complain! I do wish she would feel better soon. She is simply feeling awful.

Well, cheers. I'll try to write more later. Apologies for the very boring blog post. But I do love sharing my little odds and ends... I hope you'll derive some joy from them. :-)

P.S. I do adore Audrey Hepburn.

Long Due

Life is not an exact science, it is an art. -- Samuel Butler

The past few weeks have been crazy. And when I get some downtime at night, I'm either spending quality time with Jesse, Lydia and Snow... or I'm falling asleep. I haven't even had the energy to post pictures. Lol. But I have some time today and I intend to use it for a number of things, catching up being one of them.

Lydia. She's moved down from Endeavour and is living at our house. She is working at the Pharmasave with me and (if all goes as planned) she's going to be teaching guitar lessons in the fall. It's been great having her around. (I'm not just saying that because she reads my blog. Lol.) Among her many attributes, she is pleasant, kind, smart, funny and a very hard worker. She cleans my bathroom. I like her. ;-) Since moving here, she has cut and donated her hair for cancer and bought an i-phone. Also, we have played and sung together at Will Elliot's 50th birthday party. I had forgotten how much fun it is to practice together. Our voices are very similar so when we do manage a harmony (we're just learning how those work) it's a little astounding. I hadn't realized how much I miss my siblings until she moved in. Now, it's better.

Hannah. And Daniel. :-) Bless their hearts. They're married and pretty happy about it too! What a beautiful wedding. Hannah's day was perfection. As you may know, it's been pretty wet this year. When Hannah said she wanted an outdoor wedding, none of us were sure if that was going to work out. Especially when it rained... and rained... and rained some more... right up until a couple days before the wedding. But the day of the wedding, so many prayers were answered!

It was gorgeous!

Hannah made her dress.

She ordered the flowers online and had them shipped to my folks' place. (Sun flowers, blue delphiniums and white roses.) 

Lindsey made the wedding cake. (I got to watch most of the process... such fun! Lindsey is really talented.) 

The end result was amazing. Lindsey spent a lot of time on that cake.

Lydia, Ellie and myself played the music for the ceremony. 

(Due to everything being really, really hectic, we didn't get to practice much at all, but we still sounded fine. I can't imagine how much better it would have been if we were a little more organized. Lol! The more I'm in the music world, the prouder I get of my siblings and their musical abilities.) 

Jesse and I got to meet Daniel's family finally. They are so great. Hannah is going to fit right in. :-) Oh. Fun fact! Hannah was a barefoot bride. Love! 

Our British Columbia, Washington, California, etc., etc. trip. It looms upon us with a raging speed. Hehe. I am astonishingly excited. I am looking forward to hours of Jesse and me time. I am looking forward to seeing my aunts and uncles and my grandparents and great aunts and great uncles and cousins. I am looking forward to staying in hotels and going to Disneyland and doing a little shopping, etc. I am looking forward to experiencing a beautiful coastline drive and San Francisco!!! I will do my best to take pictures and post them as we go.

Lindsey tried to visit us this past weekend but things came up in her life and she wasn't able to make it happen. Sadness. But we did have a wonderful visit during the wedding festivities and we will get together again. Someday, it will happen. The good part about this was that we got the house cleaned up. ;-) The state of the upstairs is such that we could (should!) get medals for tidiness and ingenuity. Lindsey, we miss you!!!

And besides all of this prittle-prattle, what have we been doing most? Working and living. Mostly working. Haha. :-P But Pharmasave always outdoes itself when it comes to being a great job. I love my bosses. I love the managers. I love having new runners so my feet don't hurt so badly at the end of the day. And I love having my sister working with me; having breaks and lunch with me; driving to and from work together. It is hard work in ways but it is a very rewarding job and I love waking up in the morning looking forward to a full 9 hour day at work.

What would be left of our tragedies if an insect were to present us his?

 -- Emile M. Cioran

Spiritually and emotionally? Lately, stress has been the biggest thing on my plate. Between dealing with some old memories and people I would rather not deal with, the wedding days were hard on me. But God got me through it and I was fine. I love Lydia living in our house, it's amazing having her around; but it's a change and change is stressful. God is getting me through this too. Beginning to work full time had me freaking out that I wouldn't be strong enough to pull my share of the load and that I would get involved in all the drama. I hate stabbing people in the back. It is almost worse than lying. Both make me feel unclean and my conscience kills me. Haha. But God has given me strength where there is weakness, on all counts. Have I forgotten to lean on Him at times? Oh yes. But He has never left my side. Not once.

Jesse has been there for me as well. The longer I am married to this man, the more I respect him. For instance, on our trip for Hannah's wedding, we forgot the video camera. It was a fault on both our part, but instead of getting extremely upset about it, he kinda blamed himself and got over it. We contacted my mother-in-law and had her meet us half way the next day with it (and our pillows). Point of the tale? He didn't blame me. He didn't even blame himself for long. He didn't yell about it or even get very frustrated. He was calm, understanding and at peace. What a guy. Oh and the other day, we got to his comic shop five minutes after it closed. He was so disappointed. We had missed it our last time through the city as well. But he didn't blame anyone and he cheered up shortly after. He just rolls with the punches and is at peace with God and man. I can't believe I married someone who is so beautiful. Jesse, I love you.

We've been watching a show called West Wing. As you may be able to tell from the title, it's about the happenings of the West Wing in the White House. Martin Sheen plays the president and he is marvelous. :-) But I mostly appreciate the portrayal of the government. They may not make all the decisions that we want them to make but they are not demons. They are people who have to choose which impossibility is the best probability for success. They're wrong sometimes but they are also right. For this job, they receive hatred from the people, because there is always someone who disagrees with you. The more important the decision, the more widely spread the differences of opinions. With greatness comes great responsibility... and suffering.

This show was taking place through 9/11 so they made a special episode in response. I thought it was well balanced. In fact, many of the views expressed were ones I could apply to my background, people I know, situations I get involved in, etc. But the best line was this one:  "You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy." -- Joshua Lyman (West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael) 


Do you know what makes extremists? They stop seeking. They stop searching. They get stuck on a couple of ideas and that's it for them: they don't move on. Extremists never reach their full potential. God created us to always learn and change. He loves a tender, meek heart. It has taken me years of tears and physical suffering to understand this. I used to be an extremist. If it hadn't been for God's grace and love, I have no idea where I would be today.

 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Matthew 7)


Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. (James 4)

God bless you today!

A Post of Few Words

The recital is over and done! It was a success; my kids did amazingly well. I am so proud of them. The past few days have just flown by and tonight, we're on our way up north to prepare for Hannah and Daniel's wedding. The next week is probably going to be very busy so I wanted to post a few pictures of what we've been doing lately. Enjoy!

 One of my students' mothers made these for the snack after the recital... in fact, she made the music notes which decorate the cupcakes. They were sooo good.

If it hadn't been for this wonderful man, the recital would have been much more difficult for me. Before, I would have to haul the keyboard on my own or wrestle a fellow hauler out of someone. Haha! But he always carries my keyboard now... I don't have to ask. He just does it. Between him, Lydia and others, things were set up and taken down in record time. :-)

Another mother gave me this quilt. I have already designated it for wrapping up my keyboard when we have to move it.

 The finished deck. We're really excited and happy about all the added place. As soon as we get back, we'll have to have a deck warming and have everyone over. :-)

The sun finally came out!

Now, if it will only stay that way for Hannah's wedding. Mom says that the spot they wanted to get married at is a bit puddled right now. Lol! 

2 Days... Wedding Prep

I am glad that you all enjoyed the last couple of posts. One of things I have always longed for was to be involved with wedding preparation.. and we always lived too far away for me to participate. But this time... YES! :-D So, assuming that there are other females who feel the same about this as I do: 

Wedding make-up trial. Lindsey, Lydia and I went to see a friend in Carlyle to get some tips for applying makeup. ...

....Connie was quite helpful and very knowledgeable. She is also generous with her talents so Lindsey and Lydia are counting on her help on the big day. 

Gretel, one of Todd and Connie's cats, who usually is pretty shy around visitors, is obviously a girly girl at heart. She came and watched, fascinated. 

For the oreo cupcake cheesecake.... these are going to be so good!

The batter...

Filling the pans... I am really looking forward to these!!! :-D

Lasagna for the rehearsal dinner... Mmmm!

Grandpa and Grandma Holter arrived yesterday evening.

Smiling. Happy. Excited. And just a little stressed. But just an eensy, weensy bit. ;-)

Thanks to Lydia for taking the cake pictures...