Vulnerability: the Sanest Place To Be

We're going to Europe. That is what's on my mind. I should probably be looking for places to stay in Frankfurt. And researching good, cheap places to eat for foodies in the Black Forest. Which shop sells the best chocolate in Switzerland? I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT THE MARKET PLACES IN GERMANY!! AHHHHH!!! That being said, a month long adventure is not the only thing occupying my thoughts. So, instead of looking at hundreds of room listings and affordable restaurants, here I am. For the first time in a year, I am endeavoring to write a blog post. It feels... strange.

September 13th, 2014 will mark four years since I left home. The first four years, they say. After 1460 days, things start getting better. Your brain can keep up with your emotions. Your soul doesn't feel so flattened under the stress of figuring out exactly who you are. Your heart can open itself with a little more trust. You don't remember the voices and accusations and mind games so clearly; each breath becomes a little easier. Has it worked? Am I more... me?

Ask me in September.

What I can tell you is that I have been learning and changing. (A lot.) For instance: as long as I can remember, my emotions were frowned upon, punished and thrown negatively at me as "female." Apparently, only females have emotions and all emotion is bad. (Unless, of course, you're "content" and "joyful".) :nods:

It's come to my attention that my emotions exist and I cannot negate them without negating myself. 

Before we go any further, let me tell you: men and women have emotions. The angriest, most depressed, violently emotional person I know is a male and the most emotionally repressed people I know are of both genders. Being told that my emotions were insignificant was a way of making me doubt myself. After years of being told that all women are easily deceived and that I couldn't trust thoughts, feelings or emotions, getting out of a harmful relationship and an abusive home situation was almost impossible. Saving myself was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I did it. This gives me hope for everyone involved in abusive situations. We don't need people to save us. Yes, we need people to help us ... maybe even give us that little nudge onto a different path.. but ultimately, we must save ourselves. That is what this blog post is about.

Negative emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Yes, there are days when they do overwhelm me. There are still days that I would rather traverse a room filled with snakes and spiders than face my emotions. My anger and horror and fears about my previous home and some of the authoritarian figures in the past years of my life had been pushed down for decades. The worse my life became, the happier the mask I put on. After an entire life of pretending, I didn't know what what was real or false. What was I? Sad? Happy? What should I be? I should be happy, right? At approx. 1350 days, I've discovered that the strain of holding down that much negativity can seriously dent a person.

I refuse to play this game any longer. I am so sick and tired of the lies I was forced to live and adhere to. I finally do not have to feel any thing or any way for any one. So yes, there is much for me to be angry about. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm confused. In facing these emotions, I find myself finally being honest and discovering things about myself. I am also finding that after all those years of pushing down those emotions, feeling resembles a dam bursting and the resulting flood.

"I am so sad. I feel like my parents will never admit anything. My siblings will never stop pushing me away. It doesn't matter how much I reach out to them, they are never safe. I remember what it feels like to not be accepted for who I am. I remember how it feels to live in constant fear. The long days and months and years of waiting... it feels hopeless..."

"Yeah! I am so happy! The world is a wonderful place! Everybody needs to feel this happy. Jesse is amazing and wonderful and more than I could ever ask for. I can't believe how lucky we are. He is my soul. Just thinking about him makes my heart do strange things. Each day, love feels more real and tangible than the last. L. is also on this journey of healing... she is so strong. Every day, I am amazed by her. H. is opening her eyes and starting to accept our past. Her path is rocky but she is up for the challenge. God is real and close. I cannot believe the how much he knows about me and how strong he wants me to be. I know that he has been there all along for me. I know that this hard path my siblings are walking right now must have some purpose. I trust that eventually, they will find the courage and strength to accept the truth and reach out for help."

These are things I have every right to feel deeply saddened about. These are things I have every right to feel elated about. Most of my days, I can handle parts of both -- balancing the sorrow and joy is something healthy people do. My journey is not so simple, though. I've just begun. Some of my days are deeply sad or ecstatically happy. But there is a good part to this: something I've learned over the past few months is that I can acknowledge my emotions.

"I am sad. It's ok to be sad. Why am I sad? Because that man reminded you of someone who hurt you for many years. It's ok. Don't stop looking. Be sad. Don't hide it. Tell someone if you need to."

"I'm scared. Why am I scared? I was happy and I'm scared that if I'm happy, someone will see that and use it against me. That happened to you many times. You would have things you liked or appreciated taken from you just because you felt affection towards them. Why did he do this to you? Because he had to be in control. But you are in control now. Jesse is not an abusive person. He is a loving person. Trust yourself; trust him. Start there."

"I'm happy! Why am I happy? Because I feel loved. Why do you feel loved? Because you are loving yourself and those around you. You are able. You are in control of your life and your emotions. I'm also listening to the main theme from Indiana Jones. That might have something to do with it."

"I have faith in people. Why do I have faith? Because my heart is able to open itself today. It doesn't matter how many times people turn their backs on me, I am going to be there when they need me again. I am actively forgiving them. I have faith that eventually, they will reach out for love and acceptance. When they hurt me, it is because they feel vulnerable. When they slap my face, it is because they feel that someone is doing something much worse to them. When they reject me, it's because they are afraid someone is going to reject them. When they refuse my love, it is because they are terrified of their world crashing around them and all the doors closing. I've been there. I understand. I love them."

There are millions of other emotions. I have just touched the surface of mine. In the midst of the swirling pool of confusion, there is something I know in certainty: I can become stronger. Today, I am stronger. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who cares? Yesterday doesn't matter either. Today, I am writing a blog post. Today, I woke up. Today, I told my husband that I loved him. Today, I listened to the sounds from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Braveheart and The Artist. Today, I picked up some shirts from the floor. Today, I love my brothers and sisters deeply and painfully. Today, beauty has already taken my breath away. Today, I forgive myself and accept another chance at love and strength.

Yesterday and yesterday people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Tomorrow and tomorrow people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Today and today people: this about me and my journey and my healing and the people I care about. You can stay.

Note: When I was writing, I had to fight the urge to write in generalizations. Each time I opened a little of myself, I would erase it and put in something else much safer. As you can see, my deeper instincts took over and my vulnerability is on display for all who care to see. Thank you for looking. 

Self-worth & Forgiveness

Someone recently posted an article about relying on others (and our relationships with them) for our happiness and how we view ourselves. There are many manifestations of this; among them:  Inability to establish and maintain friendships; dominate/submission relationship; needing to be loved by another to feel validated and significant; tolerating abuse or mistreatment from people while excusing their behavior (i.e. he was having a bad day); feeling personally responsible for the way others act and feel; etc., etc.

The article can be found here; if you're curious, take a look.

The fact is, I am fighting these tendencies all day long. At one point I could check off every item listed in this article. Jesse has never wanted or encouraged them, in fact, something he often says is, "What do you think?" or "What would you do?" He has struggled to help me on towards a more healthy place, mentally and emotionally.

I know so many people who are not only living in codependent relationships, they believe this is the way to pleasing God. Thus, it defines your existence. From my own experience and closely observing others who embrace these relationships, I can say that this mindset is damaging in so many ways.

But the realization of bondage didn't hit me until I had been freed. I cannot believe how blind I was, or that I couldn't see even the most basic of truths. It isn't that I have life and love figured out but there is more Truth in my existence than ever before. Gone are the holds of my past. When old habits come back for a visit, I'm able to recognize them and shut the door. It feels good.

The other part of this post is about forgiveness. Some interesting situations have beset my sister and I lately and I needed a reminder. So, I searched for quotes on the subject and found some that really caught my attention. I was also remembering acts of Jesus towards those around him, especially those closest to him. Most significant was the washing of his disciples feet. What a beautiful example of acceptance and forgiveness and humility. He accepted his disciples for who they were (unrepentant, arrogant), utterly forgave their faults (though they did not ask for it) as he washed the dirt away. I seek for such a spirit.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. 

-- Lewis B. Smedes

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself, for every man has need to be forgiven. 

-- Thomas Fuller

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.

 -- Mark Twain

Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness,
 or else forgiving another. 

-- Jean Paul

Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.

 -- Desmond Tutu

No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self esteem. No one can spare us from life's slings and arrows, and when death comes,

 we meet it alone.

 -- Martha Beck

Courage is grace under pressure. 

-- Ernest Hemingway

Courage is not simply one of the virtues,
 but the form of every virtue at the testing point. 

-- C. S. Lewis

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. 

-- Coco Chanel

Who could refrain who had a heart to love and in that heart courage
 to make that love known. 

-- William Shakespeare

And one just for fun:

I am told that I talk in shorthand and then smudge it. 

-- J.R.R Tolkien

Things I Love About Being Married

They warn dourly that life doesn't end when you get married. Marriage isn't the end all, be all, they mutter. Just wait and see after a few months and years of marriage, then you'll understand. Wait until the first argument. Wait until you're tired of being married....

We love cynical peoples. Let's face it, we've got at least one in each of our share of relatives. And you know what makes them so hard to disprove? Every word they say has a little bit of truth to it. So, let me rephrase this:

Thank God life didn't end when we got married: I am enjoying myself too much. Thank God marriage isn't the end all, be all: I would shrivel up and die if I stopped being a growing, unique individual. Thank God that after a year of marriage, I can clearly see and rejoice that I did marry the man God prepared me for. Thank God that I realize marriage is not easy: who would have thought any part of life is all ease and grace? And about those arguments... well, read on.

Someone asked the other day, "What Do you Love Best About Being Married." There were many good answers and I decided it would make a good blog post. :-) This isn't me bragging about my wonderful life: I have problems too. But most of the days in my life, I can choose to look at the positive aspects of my existence. For us, this union has been mind blowing and we have never been happier. My goal for this blog post is to send a positive message about marriage into cyberspace.

For those currently unattached: It is possible to find an imperfect person who is perfect for you because you are an imperfect person who will be perfect for someone.Wait. Pray that you will know when the time comes. Until then, be whole as you are.  Be perfect for you, today. Love who you are. Revel in the good you can be in the world. Fling joy into the universe with the discovery of the possibilities of you.

For those Married, happily or not: As you know, there is no 1-2-3 step plan for happiness. Can you be happy? Yes. If you are happy, can you tell me why? If you're not happy, can you tell me why? What is the greatest lesson you have learned through marriage. Are you cynical? Or do you believe in true love? Why?

Things I Love About Being Married

Companionship: never feeling alone. Before I met Jesse, there never seemed to be anyone who "got" me. I have a strange sense of humor, interests and passions, needs and desires. When I met Jesse, I was astonished to find that someone actually laughed at my jokes. I didn't feel awkward around him. He understands. He accepts me and furthermore, he's my best friend.

Being Loved. When I lose my temper, cry, laugh, scold, praise, talk, fail, succeed or any other thing, I can do so without the fear of being judged. Before we met, I was not sure I wanted to enter a relationship. I had seen so many failed or unhappy marriages. I had seen so many people use, hurt or manipulate their spouse. My fear was that I would marry someone and be stuck forever in an unhappy relationship. I have never been loved unconditionally by a human. I knew God loved me unconditionally, but I didn't understand it until I felt Jesse's love. There are moments when I feel my heart burst in joy because this love is boundless, incomprehensible, faithful and everlasting.

I can be myself. This fits with the above category, but I wanted to explain more specifically: I never felt the freedom to be myself completely. It didn't matter that I had friends who appreciated me. The fact of the matter is: I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. Jesse is un-apologetically himself. When we were first friends, I remember a moment when I realized with certainty that it was ok to enjoy movies, books and stories as much as I do. In fact, it was perfectly fine to have a passion for things that I have a passion for. It was more than ok: I needed to embrace these things in myself because I am unique. Unique is the way God created me. Each day, I revel in this. It was a long time in coming.

Learning Every Day. It's ok to be wrong. It's fine to change your mind. It's a good thing to challenge your opinions and beliefs. We learn about each other; we learn about others; we learn about Eternity; we learn about Truth. We learn about sharing the bed, the shower, the kitchen... we learn about giving each other space, we learn about it being ok to go to the other person if we have an issue or simply need a shoulder to cry on. We learn to communicate and share freely. Even as well as we know each other, each day brings a new delight, a new joy. Oh yes, I married an imperfect man who lives his life gently, kindly, respectfully, lovingly. Each day brings new realizations of this. Learning and growth do not happen all at once; if it did, our human minds would expire. So, God allows us to learn as we live: one day at a time.

Understanding God. When I met Jesse, I caught a glimpse of God's love. The longer I know him, the more godliness I see in him. He loves me as the Bible says Christ loves the Church. Through this, I see Christ's love so clearly now. Jesse loves me unconditionally, freely, passionately. His heart is always towards me, even (especially?) when I do not "deserve it". There will be times when I am apologizing for some wrong I did him and he will simply hug me and whisper, "You make me so happy," while brushing away my regrets. He sees no reason for me to apologize or feel guilt. This love enables me to step out of my faults and seek truer paths. I have never felt a better understanding of my God, Eternity and Truth.
If only more husbands would love their wives as Christ loves his Bride. If only religion and self interest would not raise their ugly heads. If only people would step away from themselves and seek only better things for others...

When We Are Sick.  There were days when I used to get a cold and I banished myself to a room with a roll of toilet paper, a glass of water and a book... and closed the door. Now, there is Jesse with water, broth, food, hugs and kisses and holding my hand. I almost like being sick. Lol. The same goes for when he's the one under the weather. I hover over him, feed him, make sure he's warm...  It makes those "in sickness and in health" vows really come to life.

Cuddling. Yes, I have discovered that when it comes to us, cuddling is the greatest thing on earth. I never liked cuddling except if it involved a sibling and even then, I preferred having my space. But Jesse seems to have broken most of the rules in my rule book. :-) Now, I cuddle, share a glass, play footsie, flirt outrageously and only God knows what else...

Forgiveness. This could fall into almost any of the other categories, but forgiveness deserves one to itself. As individuals, both of us had to learn about forgiving others. People in both of our lives have hurt us in the past. By the time we had met, we were at a point where each of us realized the need to accept and love others. Yes, regardless of the pains and frustrations they cause us. :-) This love requires forgiveness. Jesse and I are far from perfection. We both have our moments. But even in these, we are able to stop and look at each other. Forgiveness is a proactive. I am thankful the many hard lessons learned before our paths converged. This was no accident.

Deciding What to Make for Supper. Yes, 'tis a difficult decision; not one to be taken lightly. We could have leftovers or I could make something new. We could have soup, burritos, roasted chicken, hamburgers, clam chowder, salmon, pizza... the list goes on. Should we have something sweet to drink or is water just fine? And what about salad and dessert? The amount of responsibility is rather amazing when it comes to meals. But oh-so-fun... How great is it to be able to look in my cupboards and decide what to make? So many endless possibilities! Jesse loves a good cake, so some days I will surprise him by having a cake on the table when he gets home from work.
Here's another thing that amazes me: Jesse loves working in the kitchen. So if I end up working Saturday and he is at home, he'll make food. Good food. His honey mustard salmon recipe is amazing. Oh dear... I'm drooling.

Watching T.V. Together. Nearly every night, we watch shows or movies. The creation of stories is a passion we share. Before we met, we pursued it on our own and now that we are together, the paths converge and we are enjoying ourselves a great deal. :-) A story that is well written can be about anything and we will find enjoyment in it. I was more a fantasy girl but Jesse has introduced me to science fiction... and we both love detective/crime shows. The list of shows and movies we watch is ever growing and ridiculous. Lol. Some of our favorites are: Grimm, Person of Interest, Big Bang Theory, Red, Touch, Once Upon A Time, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Pirates of the Caribbean, Tintin, Sherlock, The New Normal, Star Trek, West Wing... I could be here all day.

Arguing. Finally, we get to it. No, it doesn't happen very often. The first time we had a disagreement, I felt horrible about it. I apologized for days. However, over the course of the past months, we have come to the realization that arguments and differences in opinion are actually good things. They keep our relationship interesting. We still don't like to argue but we are now able to step back and look at the argument and each other from a different perspective. Have you ever met a couple who didn't argue? I have. It usually means that one person in the relationship is very dominate. The dominate person will tell the other person what to do, what to think, what to wear, etc. Usually, it's much easier for the non-dominate person to not think as thinking can be painful. Healthy relationships are based on equality. Both parties must use their ability to think and make decisions. When Jesse and I disagree because we are both strong people with opinions. But what makes these arguments so good is that we're willing to let someone or something prove our opinions wrong. May we never get set in our ways! is our motto. Truth does not allow for minds that won't be changed.

Submission. I hated this word. In fact, there are moments when I still loathe it. People defile it, making it into something ugly and sinful. They demand it, manipulate it, revel in it. I was very leery of relationship for this reason. What I did not realize was how beautiful submission can be. Yes, it does mean giving up one's will. Yet, when submitting to someone you respect and cherish, submission also means retaining your will. I submit to Jesse because I want to. Jesse submits to me because he wants to. We are equals. We do not demand it of each other; we submit freely. We have learned that submission from both is necessary for any healthy relationship. Just as Christ submitted himself to us so that we might have a relationship with him, so must we submit ourselves to him. True, biblical submission involves purity of heart and soul.

Being Involved in Theatre Together. Taking Walks Together. Holding Hands. Laughing Together. Talking to People Together. Encouraging Each Other. Hating Raisins Together.

Thanking God for Each Other.

This turned into a longer post than I had intended. :-) I am just purely grateful for Jesse and how healing he has been for me. I have grown and changed so much because of him. His heart is mine and mine is his. Our life together has been beyond my wildest dreams. I love who he is. I love who I am.

Take heart. Joy cometh in the morning.