Vulnerability: the Sanest Place To Be

We're going to Europe. That is what's on my mind. I should probably be looking for places to stay in Frankfurt. And researching good, cheap places to eat for foodies in the Black Forest. Which shop sells the best chocolate in Switzerland? I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT THE MARKET PLACES IN GERMANY!! AHHHHH!!! That being said, a month long adventure is not the only thing occupying my thoughts. So, instead of looking at hundreds of room listings and affordable restaurants, here I am. For the first time in a year, I am endeavoring to write a blog post. It feels... strange.

September 13th, 2014 will mark four years since I left home. The first four years, they say. After 1460 days, things start getting better. Your brain can keep up with your emotions. Your soul doesn't feel so flattened under the stress of figuring out exactly who you are. Your heart can open itself with a little more trust. You don't remember the voices and accusations and mind games so clearly; each breath becomes a little easier. Has it worked? Am I more... me?

Ask me in September.

What I can tell you is that I have been learning and changing. (A lot.) For instance: as long as I can remember, my emotions were frowned upon, punished and thrown negatively at me as "female." Apparently, only females have emotions and all emotion is bad. (Unless, of course, you're "content" and "joyful".) :nods:

It's come to my attention that my emotions exist and I cannot negate them without negating myself. 

Before we go any further, let me tell you: men and women have emotions. The angriest, most depressed, violently emotional person I know is a male and the most emotionally repressed people I know are of both genders. Being told that my emotions were insignificant was a way of making me doubt myself. After years of being told that all women are easily deceived and that I couldn't trust thoughts, feelings or emotions, getting out of a harmful relationship and an abusive home situation was almost impossible. Saving myself was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I did it. This gives me hope for everyone involved in abusive situations. We don't need people to save us. Yes, we need people to help us ... maybe even give us that little nudge onto a different path.. but ultimately, we must save ourselves. That is what this blog post is about.

Negative emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Yes, there are days when they do overwhelm me. There are still days that I would rather traverse a room filled with snakes and spiders than face my emotions. My anger and horror and fears about my previous home and some of the authoritarian figures in the past years of my life had been pushed down for decades. The worse my life became, the happier the mask I put on. After an entire life of pretending, I didn't know what what was real or false. What was I? Sad? Happy? What should I be? I should be happy, right? At approx. 1350 days, I've discovered that the strain of holding down that much negativity can seriously dent a person.

I refuse to play this game any longer. I am so sick and tired of the lies I was forced to live and adhere to. I finally do not have to feel any thing or any way for any one. So yes, there is much for me to be angry about. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm confused. In facing these emotions, I find myself finally being honest and discovering things about myself. I am also finding that after all those years of pushing down those emotions, feeling resembles a dam bursting and the resulting flood.

"I am so sad. I feel like my parents will never admit anything. My siblings will never stop pushing me away. It doesn't matter how much I reach out to them, they are never safe. I remember what it feels like to not be accepted for who I am. I remember how it feels to live in constant fear. The long days and months and years of waiting... it feels hopeless..."

"Yeah! I am so happy! The world is a wonderful place! Everybody needs to feel this happy. Jesse is amazing and wonderful and more than I could ever ask for. I can't believe how lucky we are. He is my soul. Just thinking about him makes my heart do strange things. Each day, love feels more real and tangible than the last. L. is also on this journey of healing... she is so strong. Every day, I am amazed by her. H. is opening her eyes and starting to accept our past. Her path is rocky but she is up for the challenge. God is real and close. I cannot believe the how much he knows about me and how strong he wants me to be. I know that he has been there all along for me. I know that this hard path my siblings are walking right now must have some purpose. I trust that eventually, they will find the courage and strength to accept the truth and reach out for help."

These are things I have every right to feel deeply saddened about. These are things I have every right to feel elated about. Most of my days, I can handle parts of both -- balancing the sorrow and joy is something healthy people do. My journey is not so simple, though. I've just begun. Some of my days are deeply sad or ecstatically happy. But there is a good part to this: something I've learned over the past few months is that I can acknowledge my emotions.

"I am sad. It's ok to be sad. Why am I sad? Because that man reminded you of someone who hurt you for many years. It's ok. Don't stop looking. Be sad. Don't hide it. Tell someone if you need to."

"I'm scared. Why am I scared? I was happy and I'm scared that if I'm happy, someone will see that and use it against me. That happened to you many times. You would have things you liked or appreciated taken from you just because you felt affection towards them. Why did he do this to you? Because he had to be in control. But you are in control now. Jesse is not an abusive person. He is a loving person. Trust yourself; trust him. Start there."

"I'm happy! Why am I happy? Because I feel loved. Why do you feel loved? Because you are loving yourself and those around you. You are able. You are in control of your life and your emotions. I'm also listening to the main theme from Indiana Jones. That might have something to do with it."

"I have faith in people. Why do I have faith? Because my heart is able to open itself today. It doesn't matter how many times people turn their backs on me, I am going to be there when they need me again. I am actively forgiving them. I have faith that eventually, they will reach out for love and acceptance. When they hurt me, it is because they feel vulnerable. When they slap my face, it is because they feel that someone is doing something much worse to them. When they reject me, it's because they are afraid someone is going to reject them. When they refuse my love, it is because they are terrified of their world crashing around them and all the doors closing. I've been there. I understand. I love them."

There are millions of other emotions. I have just touched the surface of mine. In the midst of the swirling pool of confusion, there is something I know in certainty: I can become stronger. Today, I am stronger. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who cares? Yesterday doesn't matter either. Today, I am writing a blog post. Today, I woke up. Today, I told my husband that I loved him. Today, I listened to the sounds from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Braveheart and The Artist. Today, I picked up some shirts from the floor. Today, I love my brothers and sisters deeply and painfully. Today, beauty has already taken my breath away. Today, I forgive myself and accept another chance at love and strength.

Yesterday and yesterday people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Tomorrow and tomorrow people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Today and today people: this about me and my journey and my healing and the people I care about. You can stay.

Note: When I was writing, I had to fight the urge to write in generalizations. Each time I opened a little of myself, I would erase it and put in something else much safer. As you can see, my deeper instincts took over and my vulnerability is on display for all who care to see. Thank you for looking. 

20 Months -- To Be Loved

All my life, I was told that I was too stubborn, too rebellious and too opinionated. This convinced me that, despite my dearest dreams, I would never find my soul mate because no human being would be able to put up with me.

Little did I suspect that there was a beautiful soul who not only appreciates but encourages my independent spirit. 

Jesse, thank you for loving me for who I am and for never failing to encourage me to improve myself. Thank you for needing me. Thank you for being so pure of spirit and soul. You are the most wonderful human being  I have ever met and I get to spend my life with you.

20 months!! Married life is gooooood!!!!!

Thankfully

Old companions, Pain and I -- side by side, heads bent, hands tightly clasped; the whole world passing us by. These recent days, our meetings are rare but when we do, we sit in comfort. Secrets that have been hidden away are brought out. Examine; whisper; polish: are we ready to let  the wind whisk this hurt away? Or shall we keep it a little longer?

We are not exclusive, Pain and I; we often beg Mercy and Forgiveness to join our party. They are shy as the Silence. Sometimes it comes; sometimes not. The wait can be long. But when Forgiveness falls like a cleansing rain and Mercy alights on my shoulder, Time stands still.

As we reminisce, the old days seem as though they were but yesterday. Snapshots of moments are branded forever in our time. Pain  would sit on my chest as we listened to the night hours burn away until it was time to get up again. Pain clung to my neck as we survived the day, hurrying, worrying. Pain covered my ears at night when the nightmare came to visit them in the dark. And when they cried, we tried not to listen. Pain held my hand when the Guilts came and they could not have me.

Pain was the best, the most loyal of friends. We dreamed of better days, a different time when the world would fill with Love. But I was not anxious to leave my friend. We had seen the simplicity of All. We had listened to the heartbeat of the Universe. We had glimpsed The Intelligence. Truth had broken our shackles. Fear told me that I would not be the person I am without Pain, in conclusion: Pain was my Savior. I was very confused.

But Time marched on and dictated that our ways should soon part. Love and Joy began to walk with me. They brushed off Doubt and Fear, laughing... Perhaps, at me. They taught me a new dance, showed me the same Truth in a different light. I learned that I could stand without Pain to lean on.

It is true: there are days when I cannot dance. Love and Pain walk on either side then, guiding my feet. But I am growing. I learned that Fear's conclusions are never Truth: my Savior is within me. Pain is a good friend for a time, because we learn much together. But Truth and Time declare good health comes with Change.

I live this life thankfully.

Naomi T. all rights reserved

Trip 2012 -- Alberta, British Columbia

Alberta has their windmills.

We love holding hands.

The first night, we spent in Kimberley, BC. This is where Jesse's dad, Paul, is building a house that will be absolutely gorgeous.

Showing me how to hold the jack hammer.

Paul and his life-long friend, Rick.

On the road through BC.... 

The passes were steep going up and going down. There were quite a few runaway lanes.

I liked this car a lot. 

I'm learning to be a navigator. Map reading has never been my forte but I'm learning... fast. Haha!

It rained off and on all day. Major rain.

We had a flat tire. We were going 100 km's so we're glad the car (and we) survived without a scratch.

The rain let up while we were changing the tire, thankfully! We went back down to Grand Forks and bought a tire from them. They were very helpful and sold us a good, used tire for $50.

Osoyoos, BC. We decided that we're going to go back to this place and visit. It is, simply put, the most beautiful place I have ever seen.

My favorite road sign! This part of the country was all vineyards.

Beautiful Me

 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. -- Isaiah 61:3

Calm self-confidence is as far from conceit as is the desire to earn a decent living is remote from greed. -- Channing Pollock 

There is a trend that has settled so long on the Church that it has become a core belief of religious peoples. It goes something like this:

To think any positive or flattering thing about oneself is pride and, therefore, is a sin in the eyes of God.

There are so many examples of this, but one that I will always remember was some advice given in a girls magazine: "If you look in the mirror and have trouble with prideful thoughts about your appearance, you should get rid of the mirror." And what about the many women who dress in unflattering clothing and cover their head? No form is shown; no beautiful hair is let down; any desire other than a neat, tidy appearance is frowned upon. Men are to guard their thoughts about themselves just as sharply: no thoughts about attractiveness and definitely no thoughts about sexuality. The Amish are especially infamous for their strict guard upon their members; are the buggies too shiny? Could there be a smidgen of pride in the heart of the buggy owner? What about that apron or that hair cut or the roofline of that barn? Is it too different from the others? Could there be pride involved? Some Mennonite groups are also very similar in concept. The examples could go on.

And there is the other side of the coin: people never being content with how they look. People going through surgery to make themselves more attractive. People killing themselves because they are bullied or feel that they are too imperfect for this world. And what about people saying, "I am ugly" or other degrading statements about themselves. One thing all of these groups or individuals have in common is this: they believe they are acting in a meek and humble manner or that it's better/safer/more attractive spiritually to feel negative emotions about ourselves.

Before going on, I feel I must point something out: my thoughts are rarely conclusive these days. My current state is that I seem to always be searching for more answers and deepest truths. That being said, through the years I have seen a disturbing amount of unnatural thoughts and actions resulting from these beliefs and mindsets. I think it's time someone said something about it. Also I wish to digress by stating that I do not wish to judge others for their beliefs. All peoples are free to believe as they will, as long as their beliefs are not harming others. I simply seek to bring love and contentment to this world and I believe part of the change must come through seeing ourselves through the eyes of God.

I am writing from personal experience. Each day I struggle through loathing, self pity, doubt, frustrations, depression, pain... Lately, especially so. My dearest Jesse and my God have been very close to comfort and hold me. But I am learning! I am learning about my humanness and God's omnipotence. I am learning about forgiveness and love. I am learning about what it means for a broken heart to heal. I am learning that it is wrong not to acknowledge the truth. God created you and me uniquely with beauty in mind. When you look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am attractive," it doesn't mean you suffer from a pride filled heart. It can be as innocent as a simple nod to the Creator that he didn't make a mistake when he made you.

I will praise thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. -- Psalm 139: 14

 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. -- Psalm 27: 4

The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the grey head. -- Proverbs 20: 29

There are as many verses in the Bible promoting beauty as there are verses warning against it. Where is the balance? There are verses that proclaim God's beauty and many more that tell us of his desire to create humans in his image. What does the Bible say about the image of God? In Ephesians, it refers to the glory of it. Colossians refers to the invisibility of the image of God. Other verses, as quoted above, refer to the marvelous beauty of the Lord. Scholars have discussed this concept a great deal. Most believe that this reference includes the creation of our spirits, souls and personalities, "the mirror image of God's essential nature." My personal belief is that it must be a balance of all: God created us, a human species, to have a certain type of appearance and He created us to have his personality, understanding and wisdom. Of course, all of these attributes work together to create something wonderfully rich in each of us.

Each day that I live and the more people I meet brings me more strongly to a certain realization: every person in the world has fears and insecurities. It might be about their appearance or their personality or people not liking them. There are some who struggle with their imperfections, because they can never be as good as they think they should be. These thoughts lead to depression and frustration; ultimately, unhappiness. All people in the world come from different walks of life: Atheist, Christian, Islamic, Mormon, Seventh Day Adventist, agnostic, Hindu... the list goes on. But the fact of the matter is: we all think we're not good enough.

It is true. We aren't good enough. We aren't nearly good enough. We will never be good enough. But we are perfect. We each have a unique mix of qualities and different opinions. We all have the beauty of true unique perfection. We all deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are. That love and acceptance must start in each heart: God loves you; God thinks you are perfect and beautiful; God wants you to be lifted out of your frustrations and realize your potential.

"Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure." Meister Eckhart

The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. -- Ephesians 5:22

I'm talking about you. How are you going to walk your path today? Are you going to look in the mirror and think how ugly you are? Are you going to miss an opportunity to bring the oil of joy to someone who needs it because you feel insecure? Are you going to selflessly love others? Or will you not be able to do that because you can't love yourself as God loves you?

There is the danger of sin in every aspect of life. We all fall into sin through our humanness. We could concentrate on that and mourn over our foolishness. I know people who can only talk about how sinful they are; they think this attitude is one of meekness. But I personally know others who have risen above the ashes of their pain and confusion to embrace whom God created them to be. You know what the Bible says? God loves a cheerful heart and that we are to rejoice and be glad.

Be happy today. Embrace the beauty that is you. You see, it is a choice.

Two Thousand Years Ago

....a man named Jesus was born. He lived what He taught. He was loved because He was love. He was hated because he interrupted the comforts of every religion. He was killed because of humanity. He rose again because Death had not the strength to imprison Love. He ascended because He reached farther than the Universe. He lives on without beginning or end because He is unfathomable.

Amen.

Grandma Irene

Last January, Jesse took me to visit his Grandma. My first impression of her was the quiet voice... wrinkles... blue veined hands...  many years lived. She was 95 years old and very frail looking. Her husband of many decades had passed away several months before, leaving her a widow. I felt it must have been hard being alone for the first time in so many years. But as each person greeted her, she looked so very pleased and happy to see us. When Jesse introduced me as his girlfriend, Irene looked up at me kindly and smiled. Then she gave me a hug as she welcomed me.

It was a delight that her fragility of body never extended to her mind. I listened to her infrequent comments to Paul and the others... each word was purposed; she never spoke sharply or out of turn. In fact, watching the others react to her, and to each other, in her presence, I began to see where my boyfriend's gentle, loving nature had stemmed from. "Ma" was queen of her home and her law was kindness; everyone felt it and everyone obeyed it.

The visit lasted a couple hours, then we donned on our heavy winter coats and shoes and got ready take our leave. Irene bade each of us farewell: as she stood by her door with her walker, she grasped my hand and pulled me to her. She gave me another hug and looked into my eyes. She asked very quietly, "Are you happy?" 

The concern and .... love? ... for me caught me by surprise.. This woman had just met me and she knew only a little bit about me. But I know now that she had been observing me all evening, trying get an idea of what kind of a girl her grandson had chosen to be his girlfriend. And her only question? "Are you happy?" 

It was that way the entire time I knew Irene. She was always kind, always thoughtful. My only wish is that I could have known her a little better. 

January 26th, 2012: Jesse woke me up saying that he had just gotten a phone call. Grandma was not doing well. As soon as I out of bed and dressed, we picked up Jesse's dad from the shop and headed down to Oxbow. As soon as I walked into the room, I felt the vibrancy of her spirit... missing. She lay there, a tiny form on the bed, her raspy breathing filling the room, eyes closed to the world. I don't know how much she was aware of as her three sons and loved ones sat around her. I don't know if she could hear our voices or see us when she half opened her eyes. I think she could sense the love that flowed from us all towards her. I hope she took comfort in it. 

When she passed away, late Saturday evening, there was mourning. We all felt a sense of loss and finality. But there also was a feeling of gratefulness that she was no longer suffering. The woman who loved is experiencing the great mystery of eternal life... eternal existence. We don't know exactly what she is knowing... living... having... right now. But we do know that the world was brightened by Irene Twietmeyer in those 96 years that she walked the earth. 

Thank you, Irene. 

Only One Wish

The other evening, Jesse and I watched an episode of "Once Upon A Time". In this particular segment of the story, a King finds a golden lamp. He rubs it and out pops a Genie. The Genie asks the king what he wishes for and the kings replies that he has everything he could ever want or need, so he wishes the Genie to be set free.

If I were to find a golden lamp with a genie in it, I would have the same sentiment as the King. I am so happy and so content. Life isn't perfect but I don't want it to be: there should be a few things to complain about. ;-)

But I had a dream two nights ago in which I found a lamp. I don't remember rubbing it (I wouldn't... the Genie in the t.v. caused enough trouble to set me off of rubbing golden lamps forever) however, before I knew it, there was a Genie asking me what I wished for and I realized my innermost heart yearned for one thing more: that every person I ever was in contact with would feel Love -- pure and selfless.

 Because once you have felt it, you can never be the same.

Nearly every person who has lived in this world has been given rejection... anger... hatred... judgement... mockery.... abuse... abasement... These are emotions and actions that we have all felt. They are so common. So much more common than love.

Why? Perhaps because of a million different reasons.

It's up to us. No one forces us reject others. No one makes us accept them. It is our decision, in the end. It's up to us to change the world... one person at a time.

Happy Be Nimble, Happy Be Quick; Happy Happen Every Tock of the Tick

This is my second year to celebrate Christmas. I've watched from behind the scenes for over 10 years and it is interesting to finally be among those celebrating. People celebrate for many different reasons. Some celebrate to give; some to get; some just to celebrate; and mostly, because...  their parents and grandparents and great grandparents celebrated.

I love and hate things that surround Christmas. I hate the commercialization. I hate that some people must depend on Christmas for part of their salary or to keep their business above the red. I hate the entire "give me, give me, give me" attitude.

But I love more about this holiday than I hate.

I adore it when kids tell me that they are giving each person in their family three gifts and that they made the gifts. I love it when kids come into the store and search long and hard for the perfect gift for Mum or Dad. I love the giving aspect of Christmas. Don't tell me it doesn't exist and that all modern children are greedy. I know it's not true because I've seen the exact opposite so many times.

I love seeing people freeing themselves of current woes to be joyful. Their eyes sparkle and their lips smile and "Merry Christmas" aura floats around them like a blanket that warms everyone near them. I want to see this happen to people all year around. I don't think it's a fake attitude or one that should be frowned upon: happiness is to be welcomed at any time or place. But I wish for joy, everywhere, at all times.

The radio plays in the store on a popular station which plays many hours of music each day. Usually, it's music from the 70's, 80's and 90's, none of it remotely religious or spiritual. Yesterday, I heard a song about Jesus and I was amazed as I listened: the lyrics depicted his life, his death, resurrection and how we can be one with him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Any reason to celebrate something good is a good reason to celebrate. People get into the spirit and are excited. Some people don't. But then, those folks don't get excited about anything anymore...

That leads me to the last thing I hate about Christmas or holidays in general: they end. The radio plays music up until December 26th and then, it's back to regular fare. The stores take down their decorations. The gifts are all opened. The food is just leftovers (though I admit that turkey leftovers are awfully yummy). Can't Christmas or birthdays or Easter or any holiday at all last more than a day or two? As with anything, it all depends on the attitude. I believe it can. I believe Jesus lived each day as though it was a gift. Life is not easy most of the time. We are meant to struggle as well as be happy. But I think there is a spirit of love that each one of us can embrace, regardless of where we are or where we have been.

Sam and I got to talking about the holocaust last night. That evolved into genecides and mass killings. (I promise this all fits together... please keep reading. :-)) Sam said that studies show that these horrible things happen not because people are evil. It is because of the mindset of the society they live in: killing your neighbor or the people under your rule is simply a way to erase a problem.

We have all seen or perhaps even felt the effects of such a mindset. It's frightening to think where a simple lack of respect for life can lead you. And we could all be the guilty ones, given the opportunity. There is no right or wrong method to curve ideals like these but I think a good place to begin is by making every day and every person your priority. I don't know what that means for you or even what that means for me: life changes in a blink of an eye. But keeping that good-will-to-all-men spirit every single day of the year is a great place to start.

Don't do it because it makes you feel good. Don't do it to look better to others. Don't do it for any selfish reason. Don't do it because you're frightened of yourself. Do it because that's what Jesus would do. Do it because it will lead you to Truth. Do it because people need to feel that joyful, Christmas spirit every single day of their lives. Do it because it's the most right thing to do.

"It’s Christmas Eve! It’s… it’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we… we… we smile a little easier, we… w-w-we… we… we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be!" -- Bill Murray [Scrooged]

Of Professional Images, Birthday Cakes and Mosquitoes: Among Other Things

Due to our renovations and the rather busy-ness of our lives, we have not been able to install our washer and dryer in our utility room. So that means we have to run over to my inlaws and wash laundry there. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate their generosity... but I can't wait to be able to wash our laundry here, at our house. Because we are us, we usually wait until we have worn most of our clothing before we decide to do anything about it and this time was no exception. Yesterday morning I had a towering mountain of dirty clothes and towels and such. It took me awhile to maneuver it into my inlaws' house. Of course, when it was all in, down the stairs and sorted appropriately, you can only wash one load at a time. I had some hours to kill.

Taro, one of my students, turned 17 yesterday. He and his brother and sisters are involved in this year's Dickens' play. Since the play date is coming up straight away, we are having regular rehearsals.... one of them that very night. So, I consulted my mother in law and we decided a cake was in order for the evening. I had run out of eggs so I simply brought everything else over to their house and proceeded to make a French Vanilla cake. (Yes, from a cake mix. No, I'm not ashamed. It's good cake. ;-) :-)) Btw, does anyone know how to make a French Vanilla Cake from scratch? Usually white cake is so bland but this particular cake is really amazing.

When I finally got back home, it was 3:30 and my first students were due to arrive very soon. I rushed around the house cleaning up and was just at the tail-end of it when they appeared on my doorstep. I was still in my comfy paint be-spattered bunny hug and they were a few minutes early so after I greeted them, I went and changed quickly. The shirt I chose is one of my favorites: last year's Kenosee Lake Kitchen Party ladies t-shirt with a really clever logo on the front of it. It's green. My favorite color. :-)

Two students and their mother later, I was greeting two more students and running for the washroom for a little moment. That's when I happened to glance in the mirror. Something was wrong. It took me a moment to figure it out.... then, light bulb. I had my shirt on backwards; the clever logo was etched across my back, mocking me. As my oh-so-professional image went down the drain, I couldn't help bursting out laughing. It is always great to get a slap like that and it be that funny. So, I turned my shirt around and ta-da, clever logo was clever once again. But it still amuses me whenever I see it. I wonder what my students thought... and I especially wonder what my student's mother thought. Haha!!

Last night's rehearsal went quite well indeed. It was supposed to be a semi-dress rehearsal but Doug (director) said it was ok if we interrupted it a bit. I didn't know how we were going to present the cake to the birthday boy but when I started gathering in-tell, Michele had a great idea, as usual. She thought we should spring it on him when we were in a scene together. It appealed to my love of awesome surprises so I went around and whispered the plan to everyone else.

My line goes like this: "Please Mr. Scrooge [insert southern accent], it's Christmas Eve, do you really expect us to go back to those people now and tell them that you are condemning those buildings, that those families are going to have to move, that the neighborhood recreational centre is shutting down and the church is going out of business? I mean... [grabbing Scrooge's wrist and pointing towards Taro] it's his birthday for crying out loud!" Then as everyone came out with the cake we all started singing happy birthday. The look on his face was really surprised. :-) Such fun!

There are certain things I appreciate about winter. One is that it's easier to sit and relax on cold snowy days than to sit and relax on hot sunny days. Because when it's hot and sunny, you feel guilty for wasting it by relaxing. (Of course, I don't think sitting and relaxing is wasting time but sometimes my better, more responsible side gets to me.) Another thing is that snow is so beautiful. There are simply no words for it. :-) And the best thing is that there are no mosquitoes. At least there shouldn't be. So it's not fair that every night before we go to bed, I have to kill at least three mosquitoes. We have no idea where they are coming from. It's cold outside. They should be all dead. Jesse wonders if they were already in the house somehow. Or... my latest theory is that they are coming up from the drains. Regardless, I really wish they would all go back and hibernate... or die. Or something. ::hates mosquitoes::

Well, I have some housework to do and some Christmas decorating to begin. I hope your winter is progressing as well as mine is. I pray for love to reach each heart. Just a little love. I think it would make all the difference in the world. The more I work "in the world" the more I realize that non-acceptance is the most natural, human reaction. People do not love one another. They judge each other. And wow. Did I ever get on that apple box quickly. ;-) I suppose God has been showing me a lot about this lately. Whenever I find someone particularly annoying, my conscience pops up...

Thanks so much for reading. It makes my heart brim with joy. Come to Carlyle and enjoy the Dickens Festival!

Lives Lived

Place: Regina, Saskatchewan
Date: a couple days after September 10th.
Occasion: Honeymoon/after wedding celebration

Naomi had made reservations at a certain Regina Chateau for the night. Newlyweds had spent the day on the road since they had taken the ridiculous detour of going up to Endeavour first (saying goodbye to grandparents who were staying at N's parents' place before heading back to WA), then heading back down to Regina.

After a movie and sushi it was dark and they decided it was time to seek out their night's lodgings. Amusingly enough, they had never seen the hotel in real life. Naomi had just found it on the internet and they thought it sounded nice. They weren't really having a "honeymoon" anyways so they decided it might be nice to splurge and do something out of the ordinary.

Jesse was driving so Naomi was doing the navigating. She read the address from her notes and they proceeded to that section of the city. The closer they got to their destination, the more confused the couple felt. This was a very odd neighborhood for a nice facility like Regina Chateau... at least as it had been advertised as.

When they reached the place the street numbers matched those on her notes, the street lights were few and far between. People moved in the shadows or simply stood and watched them. It was getting rather nerve wracking. Finally Jesse slowed the car.

"1108... 1109... 1110." They stared in disbelief. On either side of 1110 Victoria Avenue were dumpy little houses, the typical 50's and 60's fair. But 1110 Victoria Ave was... an empty lot.

Being the kids at heart that they are, the two couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. They didn't know if they had been scammed or if Naomi had written down the wrong address but it was hilarious.

Thankfully, Jesse always keeps a Regina phone book in the car so they pulled that out and looked for the Regina Chateau's listing. As it turns out, Naomi had copied down the address but had accidentally made an omission. The Chateau's proper address reads:

1110 Victoria Ave E.

Naomi had missed the E. part of it. Just one small mistake had led the couple completely astray. They haven't stopped laughing about this incident yet. Adventures of this type seem to befall them on all sides... like the first time Jesse and Naomi cooked together (he was courting and she was trying to engage his attention elsewhere than her by making him help her make supper) (it didn't work) and Naomi managed to accidentally pour all of Michelle's garlic powder in the soup and it boiled all over the stove. Or the time Jesse exploded the plate in our new kitchen, making everyone holler. Or the time they started on their trip an hour early so they would be on time for the orthodontist appointment (four hour drive one way) and they got stuck in construction.

Happily, I can tell you that Jesse and Naomi Twietmeyer discovered that The Regina Chateau does actually exist and is a wonderful place to stay. The beds are comfortable... so many pillows! Real sheets and blankets. And the hot water in the showers never runs out. Best of all, the rooms are clean and comfortable. It was the most comfortable hotel they had ever stayed in.

The End. (Until the Twietmeyers have further adventures of course.)

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. -- Soren Kierkegaard


Funny how a certain phrasing of words and the spirit of it uttered will catch my attention. The theory of this quote I agree with. The spirit of Soren Keirkegaard may be one of regret and wishing they could change the actions of the past. Of course, this emotion could merely be an echo of the music I am listening to ("Don't Break the Heart That Loves You" by Connie Francis). ;-)

Yes, the above story really happened. If you knew Jesse and me, you wouldn't have to ask the question. :-) I look back on this incident and can't help but smile. I am so thankful for every adventure, every moment spent together. Sometimes we feel so happy so that it seems it's impossible. I look back on the happiness which has enveloped us the past year and I still don't understand why I have been given this. I feel breathless.

There is so much about my past that I do not understand. The happy times and the not so happy times. The hurt and the agonizing, fierce agony. The times I felt I was leaping ahead and growing and the struggles to take a single step, feeling like it would be easier to die than to try to live. Was some of it really necessary? Though the healing is working in me, sometimes the pain of memories still threatens to overwhelm me. Then I know with every ounce of my being that, had it not been for my past, I would not have the strength or understanding I have today. I try to weigh between the pain of knowledge and the strength of character. Then I realize it doesn't work that way. If I had my choice, I wouldn't choose the pain.

Maybe. I mean, if I had known everything, I would have seen the wonderful closeness of my Creator. That I wouldn't trade, even in the face of great suffering. Perhaps I would have had the wisdom. But this is all speculation with no basis in fact. I am so glad that I cannot see into the future. This is a life being lived in the faith and strength of love because there is no other way of really living.

That doesn't mean fear and pain don't come to call but their visits are less frequent. I can't explain to you how happy I am. I can't explain the depth of my gratitude to God for bringing Jesse and me together. I am praying for many years together... for the grace to make each passing day better and more filled with love than the last.

Life is not without it's ups and downs. I know this. But when you are with your soul mate, your partner who excepts and loves you unconditionally... the bad times are much more bearable and the good times are better.

I love you, Jesse.

Thanks, God. 

snaPshots of my LiFE

…every single time Jesse sees a picture of a cat he says, “Awwww..”

…almost every time I put down my plate or bowl or cup, Snow tries to eat or drink from it. That is so annoying. Ugh. At least he likes me. J

… I love that you can tell people’s mindset so clearly when they post a comment.

…And then there's the moment when Eli Eli posts a new song they recorded.

...I scratch Snow’s tummy and he enjoys it so much he falls off the couch.

…I open a letter from my sisters and it begins with “Dear Naomi, I love you!”

…the day I asked a student if they’ve had any lightbulb moments over the past week and they respond, “Uh no. Unfortunately not.”  Haha!!

…teaching a student and seeing the understanding hit them like a freight truck. So exciting!

… that dear friend who texts me and we have a chat about good times. Hello, Molly! Hi Lindsey. 

…seeing the sunlight dyeing the winter trees in red and yellow hues. One of these days I’m going to get a camera and take some real snapshots...

…staying up to all hours talking to my mother-in-law. Girl talk is brilliant.

…driving by myself. I love the feeling that I am no longer dependent on people to help me get to work or go grocery shopping, etc.


...hearing that my sister Hannah also passed her driver's test and has a Novice 1 license. Yes!!

…finishing 10 modules  (well, more because some of them were doubles) of a course that I was taking on Pharmasave. About 10 hours and 50 pages of hand written notes later, I am happy to say that I have completed the course.

…writing movie reviews while inspired.  In the past couple of weeks I’ve written and published three movie reviews on Ponderings. I love the feeling of accomplishment.

…Watching and listening to kids expressing themselves. The other night I was at Missoula theatre and was amazed at what two great directors can do with 30 children in a week. One of them, Kendra (age 8), hadn’t really ever sung in front of anyone and she pulled off a solo that was awesome.

…being happy sad all at once. I keep talking to people about Mya Dawn and how her memorial was so beautiful. She was 21 months old and had only known love her whole life. The accident was so horrible and the sadness that encompassed the community was heartbreaking. But the love that was expressed at her memorial was so wonderful. I can hardly explain what I mean. Little Mya Dawn, may you shine in the presence of our Lord.

…waking up happy.

…seeing my husband and feeling a burst of love that makes everything in life better.

…talking to Jesse.

…watching people during drama practice. The jokes are pretty amusing. J

…praying for wisdom, then receiving it.

…feeling God’s grace each moment of every day.

…little boys. There was one sitting behind me at Missoula. I think he was about 4 or 5 and his mom had him sitting on her lap because he couldn’t see the stage otherwise. About 30 minutes into it, he says quietly and really patiently, “Mom, I hate sitting still.”

…going to work and keeping busy all day. Though, of course, it is annoying when you’re trying to do three different jobs at once and an emergency interrupts every three minutes. Lol! Yesterday is was a paper jam which I couldn’t locate even after taking apart the machine. But at least I wasn’t bored!

...watching a great movie and not getting over it for months. One I watched this past week was "The Queen". I thought it was well done. I have always really like Helen Mirren but she was so good in this movie. I understand why my sister-in-law always calls her The Queen whenever she sees her in anything. I have joined the ranks. 

Love Thy Neighbor

Disclaimer: This post has missed some very essential points. I do not have the ability or wisdom to express exactly what I would like to say. I have issues with the extreme of what you are about to read. Some quotes, some words; that is all I can do right now. My hope is that it will enable someone, somewhere, to think.

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I consider myself blessed among women. My husband loves me. He views me as his equal. Love for him involves aspects I thought existed apart from love: respect, equality, cherishing, honor, faithfulness. When I prayed for a husband, I prayed for a man. I prayed that he would protect me and that I would be able to protect him. I prayed that we would cherish and honor each other. I prayed that I would be able to submit to him and that he would submit to me. I prayed that we would grow old seeking Truth together.

I have wanted to be married for as long as I can remember but about five years ago, I realized that I was not interested in getting married unless I met a man. I hardly realized what that meant until I met Jesse. To him, all men and women are the same. All have the same intelligence. All deserve to be treated with respect. That includes me, his wife. The longer I am married to the man, the more I realize how deep his belief rests in his soul.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her... (Proverbs 31: 11 - 12) 

This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem... Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave... Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. (Solomon's Song)

Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19: 4-6)

Mary Poppins and I had a date the other evening. I was sick with the flu and we had just purchased the movie (finally! I've been searching for a copy of that film for years). What better thing to watch when you're feeling sick and blue? At any rate, Mr. Banks and Mrs. Banks made me stop and think long and hard. Their relationship is probably more clear cut and exaggerated than real life but I believe we can learn some important truths through it.

Mrs. Banks was all for women's suffrage. She was out on the streets (neglecting her children) all day, singing her heart out and feeling very productive. She was finally expressing herself. At home, she was Mrs. Banks: wife of George, submissive, telling him what he wanted to hear, never arguing with him, mother to his children. She loved him and she loved them. But something was missing. She tried to fill it by asserting herself among her peers. When Mary Poppins' magic prevailed and Mr. Banks saw the light, he started treating his wife differently. He confided in her, he was affectionate with her, he treated her like she was his best pal... most importantly, his equal. The change in her was immediate and beautiful. No longer was something missing from her life.

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. -- Marlo Thomas

There are quite a few examples in the Bible of strong women and weak women. There were strong women who used their intelligence and charm for good. There were strong women who used what they had badly. There were also strong men and weak men in the Bible.... There are verses in the Bible on both sides of the coin on every subject imaginable. How to treat women, children, kings, prophets, enemies, etc., etc. We could treat people any way we wanted to, based on which way we read the Scriptures. Part of the reason for that is, in my opinion, God testing us to see what path we will tread.

Tell me, how did Jesus treat women? How did he treat men? How did he treat children? How did he treat those in authority? How did he treat those who were the sinners, untouchables? Unbelievers? Of everything else in the Bible, why can't we look at the two greatest commandments and follow those in every aspect of our lives?

We human beings do not think of people as equals. We think some of the same as ourselves, some are higher and some are most definitely lower. Is it skin color? Age? Walk in life? Religion? Sins committed? Why? Don't we remember that Jesus said: For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. (Matthew 22:30) Think of both sides of this coin. All those people we know of both in past and present who have expressed hatred. Now think of the ones who have allowed love to lead them.

If we were to select the most intelligent, imaginative, energetic, and emotionally stable third of mankind, all races would be present. -- Franz Boaz

I have known boys and girls who insult the intelligence that God has given them because they think they can't be a Priscilla (Proverbs 31 woman) or Aquila (man of God).  I know kids who are so smart and get bullied at school or don't receive the education they should because of some reason (whether at home or in public school). I have known men and women who wake up in the morning and feel nothing but bondage to their lives. I have read about, watched and known people who are "different". Abused. Ignored. Stuck. Never reaching the potential God had planned for them.

I have thought that I had been given a special understanding that 'unbelievers' don't have a clue about. I have thought that someone wasn't worth it. I have thought and said I can't understand why God would love someone so evil as that person. But I have been reaching for love and understanding. I have been seeking God for the ability to forgive. I have been accused of being friends with sinners. I have been told I am losing my standards and that I haven't been putting God first. I have found that Truth is often the opposite of religion.

And I have found that I don't care what your race, your background, your religion or your sex. I think lack of love is the worst curse that has fallen on the world.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond or free, there is neither male nor female for ye are all one in Jesus Christ. (Galatians 3:28)

O the depth of riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out! For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor? 

Jesse and Naomi Twietmeyer

My Wish For You

May your heart be comforted today.

Jesse played his trumpet today at the Legion Ceremony. My thoughts and prayers were with the fallen and our Creator. Lord, remember our pain and suffering.

Someone lost their little child on May 25th. Lord, we thank you that he is no longer suffering but we ask healing for this family as they wait to join their child.

Let us rejoice this morning in the Love that God has for each of us. Let us not seek to find out His mysteries but rest in peace. 

The Perfect End To A Day:

Talking with my best friend. We finish each other's sentences, share our innermost thoughts, talk about what we did today, tease each other... ::happiness:: God knew exactly who we needed for soul mates.

Thank You. :-)


P.S. Happy 21st birthday, Elizabeth Ann Holter!

Death and Life; Prayers for the Wallace Family

Greg Wallace. This man has been fighting his battle with cancer courageously and living each day with a testimony that inspires me. I have been reading of his battle... his thoughts... his struggles and questions for a couple of months now. His sister wrote today that it appears he only has days left to live. Oh, I am sad. I am sad that such pain and suffering has befallen this young man. I am sad that his family has to stand around him and watch... their hearts twisting... wishing they could take this from him and bear it. I will not sit and talk about the silver lining on this cloud. That would be ludicrous. This cloud is dense. There are storms under this great canopy of horror. The wind is blowing. The rain is pounding. The lightening flashing. We all have questions and doubts. We don't understand.

But listen. Listen. "Peace be still." Never was more spoken in three words. That is all. May you hear it, dear Wallace family.

Another moment lived. One moment closer to the presence of my Creator. Death used to terrify me. In fact it terrified me so much that I contemplated taking my life so I wouldn't have to deal with it any longer. I am sitting here smiling a little wryly over that bit of logic. Interesting what fear will do to a person's mind. 

Fear made me feel worthless. Guilty. Unloved. Pain-filled. Sinful. Overcome with sorrow. Black. 

Then, I found love. I was 13 years old. I suddenly realized that all of my fears, all of that guilt and pain, every single one of them, had a basis of truth. But Truth had been twisted into a lie. It is true that I am selfish, unlovable, greedy, fearful, angry, bitter and generally a bad person. It is truth that I deserve to be unloved. But it is also Truth that I am loved. Loved so much that I am forgiven. Love is beyond who I am, what I have or have not done. Beyond any telling. Beyond my comprehension. Beyond my ability to believe. But... oh, I am loved. 

With love, death is not a leap into darkness, but a door to another existence. Oh yes! I do not know what is out there. I have so many questions. So many uncertainties and worries that flood my heart if I let them. I have pain. Sometimes my sorrow is so much that it takes my joy. But there is something that I am certain of: The continued presence and love of my God. But that exists now. This moment. Do I allow my weakness to shroud it or do I embrace what is offered to me freely? That is the real question.

The Details

One afternoon, I suddenly had this urge to look at rings via the internet.

Coincidence 1: That evening, I was on the phone with Jesse and he mentioned he had been looking at something on the internet.

I said, "That's funny. So have I."

As it turned out, our brains had been working on the same wave length. As usual. ;-)

And, as usual (again) we simply found nothing in the conventional department that fit what we were looking for. At all.

Coincidence 2: That very day, my friend E. had written a humorous post about wedding rings and had posted pictures of hers. I liked them. A lot. She said her hubby had gotten them off of Etsy.

(http://www.mildlyamusingmusings.com/2011/01/of-wedding-rings-and-er-visits.html)

So, Jesse and I went to Etsy.com and simply reveled the creativity we saw.

Coincidence 3: at the same moment in time, we both said, "Oh, you've got to look at Page 8, 3rd row from the bottom!" We saw the ring at the same time from different computers, while on the phone. :-) It was a nice ring. It wasn't terribly expensive. We both liked it. Really liked it.

Coincidence 4: The ring had just been posted that very day in the person's Etsy store.

Coincidence 5: I don't believe in coincidences. :-) (I believe in Providence. God. He has been working miracles through this entire relationship; from our first meeting to our friendship to our romance to the rest of our lives. :-))

Jesse decided to order it.

Then came the time of waiting. Jesse said that I knew about the ring but I didn't know how or when I was going to get it. I told Jesse how much I loved the element of surprise. He took me up on it.

Fast forward to January 31st, 2011. Jesse was picking me up to go spend the night at his parents' place because my bed was being occupied by musicians. I put my stuff on the table and went to quickly make use of the washroom. When I came back, I put on my scarf, my coat and my shoes. Then, I started to put on my gloves.

(I love my gloves. They were a Christmas present from one of my piano students (along with a box of chocolates! So thoughtful of her) ... they're black and really cozy. They also fit me perfectly, which is a blessing since gloves rarely fit well with my short, little fingers.)

Anyways. I'm trying to get my gloves on and my finger wouldn't go in one of the fingers. I was a little distracted because I was making Jesse wait and I don't like making Jesse wait, so I mumbled something about, "What in the world?" while pulling out this beautiful black velvet bag. I glanced at my patient boyfriend, puzzled, but he had the most innocent expression on his face. In other words, his face said that he had no more clue about the bag than I did. I think I might have set it down on the table and just continued getting dressed if I wasn't such a sucker for velvet. Lol! I love how it feels.. and this bag was so cute and pretty. I just had to feel it. It never even registered what this all might mean until I suddenly felt a ring through the velvet. Jesse said my mouth dropped open. I think I said, "Oh my goodness..."

Jesse took the bag out of my fingers and pulled out the ring that was so much more beautiful in real life than it was in the pictures... and said, "Naomi, will you marry me?"

I said, "Yes."

He put the ring on my finger and kissed my hand.

I love Jesse. I love my fiancée. I love my future husband.
(They're all the same person.) (Yay!)

(Forgive the slight insanity of this post. I get giddy when I'm reallllyyyy excited.) (I'm reallllyyyyy excited.)

I am so thankful. :-)

Engaged!

Yep. That's right. To Jesse. My dearly beloved man whom I am completely in love with. :-)

More details later. 

Random Thought of the Day

Love is...

...a mystery

...a miracle

...a gift

...something I can scarcely comprehend and...

...so thankful for. 

I love you, Jesse.