Vulnerability: the Sanest Place To Be

We're going to Europe. That is what's on my mind. I should probably be looking for places to stay in Frankfurt. And researching good, cheap places to eat for foodies in the Black Forest. Which shop sells the best chocolate in Switzerland? I CAN'T WAIT TO VISIT THE MARKET PLACES IN GERMANY!! AHHHHH!!! That being said, a month long adventure is not the only thing occupying my thoughts. So, instead of looking at hundreds of room listings and affordable restaurants, here I am. For the first time in a year, I am endeavoring to write a blog post. It feels... strange.

September 13th, 2014 will mark four years since I left home. The first four years, they say. After 1460 days, things start getting better. Your brain can keep up with your emotions. Your soul doesn't feel so flattened under the stress of figuring out exactly who you are. Your heart can open itself with a little more trust. You don't remember the voices and accusations and mind games so clearly; each breath becomes a little easier. Has it worked? Am I more... me?

Ask me in September.

What I can tell you is that I have been learning and changing. (A lot.) For instance: as long as I can remember, my emotions were frowned upon, punished and thrown negatively at me as "female." Apparently, only females have emotions and all emotion is bad. (Unless, of course, you're "content" and "joyful".) :nods:

It's come to my attention that my emotions exist and I cannot negate them without negating myself. 

Before we go any further, let me tell you: men and women have emotions. The angriest, most depressed, violently emotional person I know is a male and the most emotionally repressed people I know are of both genders. Being told that my emotions were insignificant was a way of making me doubt myself. After years of being told that all women are easily deceived and that I couldn't trust thoughts, feelings or emotions, getting out of a harmful relationship and an abusive home situation was almost impossible. Saving myself was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I did it. This gives me hope for everyone involved in abusive situations. We don't need people to save us. Yes, we need people to help us ... maybe even give us that little nudge onto a different path.. but ultimately, we must save ourselves. That is what this blog post is about.

Negative emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Pain. Frustration. Fear. Yes, there are days when they do overwhelm me. There are still days that I would rather traverse a room filled with snakes and spiders than face my emotions. My anger and horror and fears about my previous home and some of the authoritarian figures in the past years of my life had been pushed down for decades. The worse my life became, the happier the mask I put on. After an entire life of pretending, I didn't know what what was real or false. What was I? Sad? Happy? What should I be? I should be happy, right? At approx. 1350 days, I've discovered that the strain of holding down that much negativity can seriously dent a person.

I refuse to play this game any longer. I am so sick and tired of the lies I was forced to live and adhere to. I finally do not have to feel any thing or any way for any one. So yes, there is much for me to be angry about. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm confused. In facing these emotions, I find myself finally being honest and discovering things about myself. I am also finding that after all those years of pushing down those emotions, feeling resembles a dam bursting and the resulting flood.

"I am so sad. I feel like my parents will never admit anything. My siblings will never stop pushing me away. It doesn't matter how much I reach out to them, they are never safe. I remember what it feels like to not be accepted for who I am. I remember how it feels to live in constant fear. The long days and months and years of waiting... it feels hopeless..."

"Yeah! I am so happy! The world is a wonderful place! Everybody needs to feel this happy. Jesse is amazing and wonderful and more than I could ever ask for. I can't believe how lucky we are. He is my soul. Just thinking about him makes my heart do strange things. Each day, love feels more real and tangible than the last. L. is also on this journey of healing... she is so strong. Every day, I am amazed by her. H. is opening her eyes and starting to accept our past. Her path is rocky but she is up for the challenge. God is real and close. I cannot believe the how much he knows about me and how strong he wants me to be. I know that he has been there all along for me. I know that this hard path my siblings are walking right now must have some purpose. I trust that eventually, they will find the courage and strength to accept the truth and reach out for help."

These are things I have every right to feel deeply saddened about. These are things I have every right to feel elated about. Most of my days, I can handle parts of both -- balancing the sorrow and joy is something healthy people do. My journey is not so simple, though. I've just begun. Some of my days are deeply sad or ecstatically happy. But there is a good part to this: something I've learned over the past few months is that I can acknowledge my emotions.

"I am sad. It's ok to be sad. Why am I sad? Because that man reminded you of someone who hurt you for many years. It's ok. Don't stop looking. Be sad. Don't hide it. Tell someone if you need to."

"I'm scared. Why am I scared? I was happy and I'm scared that if I'm happy, someone will see that and use it against me. That happened to you many times. You would have things you liked or appreciated taken from you just because you felt affection towards them. Why did he do this to you? Because he had to be in control. But you are in control now. Jesse is not an abusive person. He is a loving person. Trust yourself; trust him. Start there."

"I'm happy! Why am I happy? Because I feel loved. Why do you feel loved? Because you are loving yourself and those around you. You are able. You are in control of your life and your emotions. I'm also listening to the main theme from Indiana Jones. That might have something to do with it."

"I have faith in people. Why do I have faith? Because my heart is able to open itself today. It doesn't matter how many times people turn their backs on me, I am going to be there when they need me again. I am actively forgiving them. I have faith that eventually, they will reach out for love and acceptance. When they hurt me, it is because they feel vulnerable. When they slap my face, it is because they feel that someone is doing something much worse to them. When they reject me, it's because they are afraid someone is going to reject them. When they refuse my love, it is because they are terrified of their world crashing around them and all the doors closing. I've been there. I understand. I love them."

There are millions of other emotions. I have just touched the surface of mine. In the midst of the swirling pool of confusion, there is something I know in certainty: I can become stronger. Today, I am stronger. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who cares? Yesterday doesn't matter either. Today, I am writing a blog post. Today, I woke up. Today, I told my husband that I loved him. Today, I listened to the sounds from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Braveheart and The Artist. Today, I picked up some shirts from the floor. Today, I love my brothers and sisters deeply and painfully. Today, beauty has already taken my breath away. Today, I forgive myself and accept another chance at love and strength.

Yesterday and yesterday people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Tomorrow and tomorrow people: this is about me and the universe. Go away.

Today and today people: this about me and my journey and my healing and the people I care about. You can stay.

Note: When I was writing, I had to fight the urge to write in generalizations. Each time I opened a little of myself, I would erase it and put in something else much safer. As you can see, my deeper instincts took over and my vulnerability is on display for all who care to see. Thank you for looking. 

The Ugly Duckling of Life

Be gracious unto me, 

O Lord, 

for I am in distress;

mine eye is wasted from grief; 

my soul and my body also. 

Psalm of David

For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrong doing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?

 Bell Hooks

He hath made everything beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. 

Martin Luther King, Jr

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. 

Helen Keller

Healing hands: an image of hands in a non-dangerous position emitting the color patterns I see in my head when I look at someone. Such a pretty picture. I imagine those hands are the hands of God. I fantasize about the moment those Hands touch you: heart, soul and body are healed at once, in an instant. 

These imaginings of mine might bear some truth. Perhaps two thousand years ago when Jesus healed someone, he lightened their hearts and souls as well. It is very possible that some are called to such healing even now. There is little we understand about the mysteries of God. What I know is the healing process that he has me walk is not so simple nor clean nor beautiful. 

My knees have so many scars on them. I have had two knee surgeries, several altercations with bicycles and many instances involving trees, rocks and metal getting my blood on them. (It's a good thing I didn't grow up in a mystical part of the Universe because I probably would have inadvertently ended the existence the human race more than once.) My scars cover bloody, gaping wounds. They do the trick but they aren't beautiful. Parts of my skin are numb. I have to shave my left leg because any hair that grows where the nerve endings were severed causes me no end of discomfort. (I like shaving my legs anyway but it was a good reason to start!) My knees are not the same knees that learned to crawl nor are they the same knees that steadied the feet tottered across the grass in my grandparent's yard 25 years ago. They are changed.

Like my knees, my soul has met with some accidents. There have been scrapes and bruises, big gaping cuts that I had taped over so no one could see and if you look closely, a fairly ragged tear down the middle. Unlike my knees, these cuts haven't scarred over. No matter how much I tried to mind them, clean them and tuck them away so no one could see, they festered and refused to heal. 

It happened faster than I wanted it to. But the moment came. It was right. The bandages were ripped off: my soul exposed. Fresh air met with the weeping wounds. 

Healing has begun and the pain is excruciating. 

I knew it would be. But I didn't. I did not know I would feel the Universe tremble. I had no idea the lost memories would come and keep coming. My heart breaking into pieces several times a day really had not entered the imagination. Agony leaving no room for anyone else yet welcoming the entire world is also really weird. Plus, feeling free at last and fighting the urge to vomit several times a day doesn't do much for one's appetite or personality. The fear and courage combined makes a strange cup to drink. 

Moments beset me in which I do not want to go on but I'm terrified to stop. Whatever is coming around that corner might be worse than all that I have experienced put together. This is where the secret comes in. Once you have tasted Truth, the lies are suddenly not good enough. The walls of the self made prison are torn away and you realize you don't have to go back. 

It's like tasting Lemon Meringue pie made with freshly squeezed lemons, ladies and gentlemen. You wonder why you ever thought lemon meringue pie made from the box was even edible. (I'm guessing you're probably starting to question my use of winsome analogies. Haha.)

In all seriousness: healing doesn't come of it's own accord. You have to want it. You must have the courage. You will have to endure no answers, feebleness, faith, anger, being lost, without purpose, forgiveness, overflowing heart, truth, lies, love, agony... it all plays a part. It looks like nothing and smells like failure. You could swear that there is no sense here, no purpose. 

This is where I keep grasping at faith. 

Someday, my eyes will see.

There will be a time when my soul will be whole again.

I might not be a swan but I will be Naomi. 

Finally.

Just My Head

Weird things go through my head sometimes. I don't even have to be physically ill to have a muddled head or think strange thoughts. They simply pop up of their own accord, wander around for a couple seconds and vanish.

This morning, as I washed dishes, wrote letters and ate my breakfast of toast with peanut butter with a little (a lot? ::sheepish::) Nutella, listening to the soundtrack from Life of Pi, my thoughts ranged anywhere from:

"Ahhhhh! Because of the internet, there is ABSOLUTELY no privacy in this world any longer!!! Let's all go hide amongst the rocks and pray that the mountains fall on us!!!! Let me eat my toast first. Can't let Nutella go to waste."

to

"I love that Jesse refuses to eat yogurt. And when I try to feed him pills, we always drop the pill on the floor. Clumsy us. Oh! That time when Jesse decided that blowing off the pill wasn't good enough and he had to rinse it off. Haha! He was like, 'oh no! Now I have pill goo on my fingers!'"

to

"A very french sound in an Eastern Indian soundtrack... Hm. Strange. Correlation between Indian sounds and French sounds... I thought the British took over India. Not the French. I'll have to make sure and look that up on Wikipedia when I get the chocolate washed off my hands."

to

"What does faith mean for me, exactly? Does that mean a blind faith? Or a faith mixed with reason? Or perhaps both. This requires more thought. Mm. Peanut butter is way more palatable when combined with chocolate!"

You see that sarcasm has a comfortable home in my head.

I have to make this jumbled head be still so I can actually get anything done. Admittedly, there are moments when I don't want categorized thoughts. I want to indulge; flitting from one thought to the next brings such clarity at times. But there are responsibilities to be met, bills to be paid, hopes to be hoped, work to be done.

I need to pack for our short trip tomorrow. My camera's battery is being charged, the gifts are all on the pink couch and the cards written. Now, I need to get my clothes in order.

Just in case you're thinking that I eat Nutella all the time, allow me to assure you that I only have it on rare occasions. Why, you ask? It's so good!! Yes, indeed.... but there are 2 reasons I refrain from frequent eating of Nutella: 1 -- It's not good for the waistline. 2 -- When there are long periods of time between feastings, I enjoy Nutella more.

Darn it. I sound like an adult. 

Faith Building

My dear Readers,

Lesson #1: Do not pray for faith building experiences unless you want your life to be turned upside down, inside out and made into a football game for the angels. :-)

 I have seriously not had any inspiration for weaving words together for an entire week. I wrote letters. You should see them. No. You shouldn't. They're dreadful. Lol! I simply have not been in the right frame of mind. The last post I wrote I mentioned that I had prayed for faith and my world had been shaken. Every small thing I had secretly feared; every ill belief I had about myself, my life and the people in it... was thrown into my face. And it didn't end there: I was forced to take them into my shaking, disbelieving hands and decipher the truth about myself, my loved ones and God.

When I wrote that last post, God was not finished with the situation yet. I thought things had settled down. Not. Doors were slammed shut and others were flung wide open. I had to take some steps that frightened me but when I had stepped in faith, the wilted drought of the past was turned into beautiful alive spring. My world is green again.

The best things that happened? I discovered that Jesse is even more amazing than I had thought. (He never fails to make me laugh... as in the above picture. :-)) I cannot tell you how grateful I am for him and his presence in my life. Another great thing: I have healed so much in the past few months. I am more sure of why I exist. I am more sure of God's love for me. I am able to better serve... and receive.

Not first in the sequence of events but a very big part of them was the death of a friend of mine. He was 24 years old. He was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot himself in the chest. It hit the online community very hard. I can't imagine what his family must be going through. Please pray for them.

http://www.news-journal.com/news/local/article_7995c1cb-811c-5173-bbfd-f70eac24080b.html

Ben's death made me realize how much I take for granted. My family. My friends. Jesse. The fact that I can, speak, play music, read, write, watch movies... learn. Breathe. Live. I worry about the stupidest things. Honestly! And this... well, it made me sit back and think about everything. What is important?

Next step in plan: I quit my DQ job. As much as I loved making the cakes and working creatively, the situation suddenly (and I mean, very suddenly) was not a healthy one. Michele advised me to move on and I did. I was scared. As usual. (Change!) But, once again, God's leading also became very clear and I knew in the very depths of my heart that it was time. And yes, you'd better believe that I will miss doing cakes. I really loved doing that. :-)

However, guess what? Another business in town hired me. I was called yesterday and my new job begins in a week and a half or so. I am truly excited. :-) It's at a Pharmasave and it's right on Main Street. I have become friends with the owner over the past few months as her daughter is in piano lessons. It's so nice to be able to enter a workforce on the strength of my own merit instead of accepting a favor from someone. (That being said, accepting favors have their own special place too.)

And THIS is what Jesse and I made for Valentine's Day. Michele made steak, potatoes and salad. Over all, it was a delightful meal. :-)

Mom's cheesecake recipe... drizzled chocolate chips, fresh raspberries and Lindt Dark Chocolate hearts... Does it get any better?!

Here is something I found thought provoking this morning... http://charitys-place.blogspot.com/2011/02/faith-in-secular-media.html#more Charity Bishop is an excellent writer. I really enjoy her blog. If you would like a good read... :-)

And it's time for me to get on with my day. Oh yes! One more thing. Wedding plans are slowly taking shape. The official date is September 10th. I am working on guest lists and details and colors and who I want to be involved and who is going to be involved... wow. I love this. ;-) 

Ya'll have an awesome day, wherever you are! Is anything new happening in your lives? What have you been watching lately? Reading? Writing? Planning? 

Odds and Ends

Isn't it interesting... I pray that God will cause my faith to grow. He always answers that prayer with a "yes" and I am always taken by surprise. :-)

Forgive the lack of detail but here is the basic structure of the past four days: I pray for faith. God answers prayer. Circumstances arise in which I am given cause to question every good thing in my life. My world, which I was growing rather comfortable in, rocked. I rock with it. Then I step back and look at myself, my world, God and the people in it. My conclusion? God loves me and has blessed me beyond anything that I could ask or think.

There are things I don't understand. I start wondering about them. But ultimately, I have seen that my Savior has guided me on my journey. I know He will be with me today as He has been with me each step that I have taken.

Moral of the tale? God takes you seriously when you pray.

Interesting things in my life lately:
1: I love Jesse more each day.
2: I worked two days this week at Dairy Queen. Awesomeness. I love my job. :-)
3: I must have slipped on the way home from work yesterday. My leg is swollen. Blah.
4: I will probably be getting way more hours at Dairy Queen which is so wonderful because getting married costs money. ;-) Plus, I love the experience.
5: I really like Ferrero Rondnoir.
6: The temperatures outside are sooo warm!! The snow is almost a little slushy.
7: Yesterday marked 3 months as a couple for Jesse and me.
8: The more Shakespeare I am indoctrinated with, the more I love him.
9: A journey with God can lead to some very surprising twists and turns.
10: My brother Jesse is living at a logging camp in the bush. I love that he is such a grown man...
11: My sister Ellie is on the waiting list for surgery on her shoulder. Please pray that she'll get it sooner than later because she can begin healing sooner if she has the surgery sooner. (Now wasn't that a statement of genius! Lol!)
12: I need to find birthday gifts for several of my sisters. I have an idea. And I think I'm going to Regina on Friday. I love shopping for gifts.
13: Valentine's Day is coming up. Now, never before have I ever seen the purpose or enjoyment of sending sappy love greetings to your True Love. But now I am the sappiest of the lot, as my beloved could tell you. Hehe. Why is it so wonderful to be told that you're loved? And to tell someone that you love them? It just is.
14: I need to get all the bedding cleaned up from last week's company. I managed to get the bathroom done yesterday... as well as some vacuuming and sweeping. That feels good. But I need to get all of that bedding folded up and into the closet or wherever it goes. :-)
15: I need to eat some good food for breakfast.
16: We picked the play for the Easter theatre production and it looks like I'm going to be having a part. Scary but such a good experience. I never thought of myself as an actor. I guess we'll see if I was right or not!

So, that is my life. Making wedding plans. Slowly. Hoping my mom can find that wedding dress soon so I can start talking patterns with people. :-) I have some really good folks around me who are knowledgeable about such lovely things as wedding planning.

Here's something for ya'll to do: find your favorite dress/pattern... favorite flowers... cake, decorations... or just one of the above listed and comment about them. I can always use ideas. :-) And I love talking about wedding plans. So much fun. :-)

Have a great week, ya'll! :-D

Lovin' Those Baby Steps (Wait A Minute, Do Holters Actually Know How to Take Those?)

And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? (Mark 4:40)

I have lately been posting status updates on FB like this: "I am so glad I don't know the future." Life brings so many questions to my door. Part of me would really love to just know what the future holds and act accordingly. The other part of me is more thankful that I don't. :-) Why is this? Well, jest set down for a spell and I'll tell ya. :-)

If I knew the future, I would likely try to change it.
If I knew the future, I would act abnormally.
If I knew the future, I wouldn't be able to love people.
If I knew the future, I would hate myself.
And most importantly...
If I knew the future, I wouldn't trust in God.

Over the course of the past months, so many new experiences and situations have leaped up and presented themselves to me. I don't react well with change, even if it's good and something I love. So, I turn to God.

It is there that I realize something about our relationship. What makes it healthy? What makes God happy? What makes me a stronger, more faithful person? Yes, He wants us to cry unto Him when we are frightened and uncertain. Yes, He appreciates that we don't turn our backs on Him. But what parent doesn't admire a child who gets back up after tumbling down for the 300th time? Children face the new world on wobbly legs and a courageous heart, taking their first steps eagerly. They have no idea about the rough spot in the lawn just ahead of them. They have no idea that Legos really hurt when you sit down hard. They have no idea that they might hit their head on the cupboard door and get a goose egg. Interpretation: they don't know the future. Yet, they wobble on until they wobble no longer and the Legos are their friends :-)

Yesterday, the thought crossed my brain that I've been using God as something to blame things on. Analogy: I've been clinging to Him in fear and not willing to take those first steps. I've been "having faith" but not honestly walking in faith. I've doubted my strength and God's grace and love towards me. I have been approaching decisions weakly and without heart.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. (James 1:5-6)


Me over the past week: "Um, God... like, I'm really happy but really, really scared and I really don't know if you know what you're doing, but um, if this is what you want...tell me why again??" Is there faith, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, love, etc, etc, in that? No. It is fear, a little anger, hopelessness. Where is my heart? I know God is standing right beside me. There is no room for fear!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Oh yes, I am still approaching life with caution. My legs are still wobbly. :-) But with more joy and more faith... and different kinds of prayers. The "thank you, God" kinds of prayers. He has promised to accomplish a good work in me and I know He will. There will always be pain and uncertainties but they will never be too much for God's children. He has promised this.

So, not knowing the future, I walk away from my fears. My legs are still weak but my heart is learning courage and strength. There is more happiness and joy than I thought possible.

For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. 

                                                 (Proverbs 3: 26)

Worry... Worry Not...

This summer, some of my friends (fellow counselors) and I were having a conversation about life. One of them said something that still makes me stop short and look around.

"Live with no regrets."

My favorite thing to do is worry. Worry about things I've done or might do. Worry about the bad example I've been or the mixed message I might be sending. Worry saps my joy. Worry pins me down and slaps me across the face. Why do I worry? There is no good reason. Faith leaves no room for it. If the peace in my heart is intact and joy is bubbling out of me, I'd say it's a good sign. There are no regrets in that. :-)

So, I haven't subscribed completely to her life philosophy but it has definitely garnered some thoughts.

Fortresses

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy." -- Jim Rohn

Pain. Suffering. Emotional upheaval. Rejection. Hatred. Bitterness.

Probably the only human beings who haven't experienced these things are the youngest among us. We have all felt the pain of our flaws and the flaws of others. It's a fact of life.

I mentioned walls in an earlier post. Walls are created by us to guard our hearts from pain or evil... in fact, to guard from anything that might hurt us. For some, walls work so well that they become a way of life. They keep us sane and comfortable... happy... content.

But there is a danger. With those unhealthy walls protecting me, I find that I lie to those around me. To God. Lol... I lie to myself! Which is stupid, but sadly true. If we put up enough walls, we do not experience love. Love makes us drop our walls and speak the truth of our hearts. Love leaves us vulnerable and bare. It puts us in danger. Love makes us fearful and angry because we feel so foolish at times.  Love is giving away all of the supports, even when our world feels like it's crashing down. Love leaves no room for selfishness. Love is standing strong and firm when everyone else is running away. Love cleanses our hearts and leaves them whole.

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it's destination full of hope.” -- Maya Angelou

I have walls. In fact, I'm actually fairly barricaded right now. Lol. I had a fortress set up around my heart that was impenetrable. But something happened to me the other day. I made a difficult decision that I have felt alternately horrified and thankful for. Some of my walls came down. Yeah, it hurt. Yeah, I'm still shaking. (What have I done?! :-)) But I cannot stop feeling so very glad about it.

I have finally been honest with myself. I have finally thrown the towel in and myself on God. I have realized that there are no limits to Him, love, strength, me (the new creature!).. no limits to joy even when the happiness feels a bit stretched. ;-)

I read in the Bible last night about the miracle Jesus performed with the fish and bread. Think of the analogy: we can be an overflowing vessel. Compassion and love need never run out. There can be plenty of compassion and understanding (love!) in us for the neighbor, that friend who is so needy, an irritating younger sibling, cleaning the bathroom, speaking with thoughtfulness and wisdom when I'd just love to blow it off and leave...

Even these few downed walls, now laying in pieces at my feet, have shocked me. I feel a sense of peace and happiness; a faith that I had long forgotten. I have been praying for faith and God has been gently steering me down paths I never would have had the courage or strength to walk without His guidance and help.

This post is not complete but it is a part of what I know to be truth. Perhaps later I will understand better. The more I learn about God the more I realize how much I don't know. But I hope that you will take courage and have a look at your own heart. It's surprising sometimes. :-) If you have thoughts to add to this, please feel free to share!

But be thou in the fear of the LORD, all the day long. For surely there is an end; and thine expectation shall not be cut off. -- Proverbs 23

Be joyful in hope. 

No Hermits Allowed

It is important to dream. It is important to have goals. 

Yes, two very blunt statements. What brought that on, you ask. And furthermore, what do goals and dreams have with the banishment of hermits? In time.. in time. Patience. Horses should be held in until 3/4 of the way through the post. ;-) (If you have no idea of what that last statement means, ask my sister Lydia.)

I was talking to Michele and my friend Jesse and they made me realize some things about myself. The first thing that I found out was that I have always been afraid to dream for fear of not being strong enough to realize it. Or maybe it was because I wondered if my dreams were from the selfishness in my heart. 

That realization brought me to another,  my lack of faith. God places desires into our hearts. He does not place them there to make us miserable.

For instance, one of my dreams is to get married to a wonderful man and have children someday. God gave me this desire so...

What can I do to prepare myself for this time? 

1: I can learn to be content with my single status until the time comes for it to change. To be joyful in the now... this moment, not waiting for tomorrow or next year. 

2: I can learn how to become efficient with money. How to become thrifty and wise in the spending of funds. (Note: *not* a miser. Just thrifty. ;-))

3: Behave in a way to all that will glorify God and make my future husband appreciate that I'm saving myself for him. And, show my children what a true lady acts like. 

4: Become closer to God so I can teach my children about Him and be the mother I should be. 

5: Learn how to support myself (both from the home and otherwise) so I am not completely dependent on the man I marry. (Note: Unless God worked a miracle in my heart, I would not marry a man who could/would not support me.)

6: Through this all, realizing that if God wants me to wait many years or just months, I can trust that He doeth all things well. 

Some days, I am completely overwhelmed with these six things. Honestly. So I step back and close my eyes to all of them except the first one. My relationship with God takes first place over anything else. Resting in Him and learning from Him is like getting my battery recharged.  

I certainly don't have it all figured out. I'm still in the deciphering stage. Lol. But things are coming clearer and I am feeling more fulfilled and at peace. I am happy. I am no longer a hermit in a crowd waiting for life to catch up to me. (Well, maybe just a little bit of a hermit. It's kind of a fun status to hold. ;-) j/k) My newly created goals have brought me out of my shell and given me new purpose.

What are some of your goals? You don't have to answer that question out loud. But ask yourself. Especially you girls. What do you feel God wants for you? Are you preparing for it? Don't fall into the lie that girls are good for nothing but marriage and kids. Maybe God wants you to serve somewhere else. Remember Ruth and Priscilla... read Proverbs 31 again with open eyes. Deborah is almost painfully awesome for me. None of them simply sat at home and waited for life to come find them. No, some of them went and found it while others kept busy until it did find them. But none of them were unproductive.

And guys... yes, I mean you and you and you. :-) What are you doing to grow up? We need you to be men. What does God want from your life?

There is no need for us to be adrift. It isn't necessary. It isn't biblical. We need to have dreams. We need to have goals. 

Some of my other goals:

Driver's licence.

Being the best piano teacher.

Being the best pianist that my abilities will allow.

The best, most loyal, supportive friend to all my friends.

Being someone people can trust.

Keeping my eyes on God and drawing closer to Him.

Write a book. Or two. 

Compose music.

Always being involved in theater.

Being responsible in every aspect of my life.

Making time for all the children who cross my path.

I would love to read about your goals and how you are preparing... if you would like to share. :-) I am all ears!! 

Faith vs. Fear

For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. -- Isaiah 41: 13

I've been dealing with allergies the past week. Our neighbors decided to cut their hay field across the road and my sinuses are rebelling against the decision. Haha. :-P

It actually hasn't been that bad until last night. I couldn't lay down for the longest time because when I did, my air would get cut off. That, of course, brought back bad memories of my breathing 'attacks'... along with many other unpleasant thoughts about what it would be like to get pneumonia again. And I began to wonder if this innocent case of allergies would turn into something more serious. That strain of thought went on for what seemed like a long time. Hours of night and early morning passed and I still sat in my bed, waiting until it seemed right to lay down again. Finally, I realized I had been 'hearing' a still small voice that was becoming louder and more insistent.

“I will not leave thee, nor forsake thee.... I will uphold thee with my hand. Fear not what flesh can do unto you.”

When God says to hide His word in our hearts, it is for a very good reason. In the most essential moments, bits and pieces slip in around the cracks of my brain and, like a sharp two-edged sword, strike to the marrow of the matter... and my heart.

I suddenly remembered that even in those worst moments of the past couple of years, I had felt God's presence. So real; so awesome; so holy; so loving; so just. There is no question of His existence in my mind. I know He lives and I know He loves me, as He loves all of His children. And I am amazed and humbled how He takes the time to remind me that it doesn't matter what happens, He will always be there. He will never leave me to battle alone, even when I worry.

Perfect love casteth out fear. -- 1 John 4:17

In God I will praise his word, in God have I put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. -- Psalm 56:4

When I trust in God it changes the way I look at life. It changes my attitude. Trusting means smiling at a younger sibling when they're being annoying. (After all, not only do they put up with me but practicing patience makes perfect. :-)) Trusting means when I sit before a meal, I thank God for it and the few hours of rest I got the night before. (I was not really expecting to get any.) Trusting means standing with God's hand in mine, face towards the future and eyes lifted heavenwards. Trusting means not beating myself up for not being able to help like my siblings do. Trusting means that I praise God after the latest cough because it didn't hurt and not worrying about the next one. Trusting means concentrating on each breath and feeling thankfulness as each enters and exits my lungs... full, unobstructed and lovely. :-) Trusting means not worrying about whether I'm going to sleep tonight or not, but preparing myself with a few good books. Trusting means finding peace... and expressing true joy and love to those I am around.

Trusting leaves no room for self pity.

I try to live by the minute, aware of the future but not looking to it. Because if I forget this very present time, I lose my purpose. When I think of the days ahead of me... whether they be filled with strength or weakness, I find myself anxious: will I place my faith in God? Or will I forget?

And then, I am back in the present, realizing for a moment that I have indeed forgotten Him! But He never gives up and continues to remind me. Sometimes gently, sometimes not.

I watched a movie today called, “Facing the Giants”. Some of you may have heard of it before. I found it to be a fairly good film and enjoyed it. Of course, it's all about trusting God and making God first in your life. How providential was that?! Right on time for what I'm learning.

Anyway, one line that really hit home was when the two coaches were talking and the mentor coach says, “The Bible says 'fear not' 360 times. I think God meant it when He said that.” (I'm afraid I'm not quoting word for word...)

I know I have written about trusting before, so I hope I am not sounding like a broken record! This is actually more of a reminder for me, but perhaps... someone... somewhere is discouraged right now. If you are that person, I pray that you will come to a place that is right.

We cannot face our fears and struggles alone. We must first start by asking God to take over in all areas of our lives and trust that He will do just that.

Then He will show you the way. I promise. :-)