Monday, February 28, 2011

Death and Life; Prayers for the Wallace Family

Greg Wallace. This man has been fighting his battle with cancer courageously and living each day with a testimony that inspires me. I have been reading of his battle... his thoughts... his struggles and questions for a couple of months now. His sister wrote today that it appears he only has days left to live. Oh, I am sad. I am sad that such pain and suffering has befallen this young man. I am sad that his family has to stand around him and watch... their hearts twisting... wishing they could take this from him and bear it. I will not sit and talk about the silver lining on this cloud. That would be ludicrous. This cloud is dense. There are storms under this great canopy of horror. The wind is blowing. The rain is pounding. The lightening flashing. We all have questions and doubts. We don't understand.

But listen. Listen. "Peace be still." Never was more spoken in three words. That is all. May you hear it, dear Wallace family.

Another moment lived. One moment closer to the presence of my Creator. Death used to terrify me. In fact it terrified me so much that I contemplated taking my life so I wouldn't have to deal with it any longer. I am sitting here smiling a little wryly over that bit of logic. Interesting what fear will do to a person's mind. 

Fear made me feel worthless. Guilty. Unloved. Pain-filled. Sinful. Overcome with sorrow. Black. 

Then, I found love. I was 13 years old. I suddenly realized that all of my fears, all of that guilt and pain, every single one of them, had a basis of truth. But Truth had been twisted into a lie. It is true that I am selfish, unlovable, greedy, fearful, angry, bitter and generally a bad person. It is truth that I deserve to be unloved. But it is also Truth that I am loved. Loved so much that I am forgiven. Love is beyond who I am, what I have or have not done. Beyond any telling. Beyond my comprehension. Beyond my ability to believe. But... oh, I am loved

With love, death is not a leap into darkness, but a door to another existence. Oh yes! I do not know what is out there. I have so many questions. So many uncertainties and worries that flood my heart if I let them. I have pain. Sometimes my sorrow is so much that it takes my joy. But there is something that I am certain of: The continued presence and love of my God. But that exists now. This moment. Do I allow my weakness to shroud it or do I embrace what is offered to me freely? That is the real question.


Anonymous said...

Praying for Greg; it sounds like he is ready to go home to be with Jesus and yet those of us remaining on earth ache to see his pain and suffering and to see him leave.... yet, soon the suffering will be over.

I was almost 13 when I found love. Unconditional love amidst the pain in my life. I don't think I came to fully appreciate that love until many years later though...
And then I came face to face with the fact that His love knows no bounds. It truly is beyond my comprehension! Wow. I still stand in awe that He loves me; me who feels so worthless and dirty so often.

Naomi said...

I think the greatest lie of all is when we feel worthless. It is definitely the most powerful emotion next to love. Because love is the opposite... with love, we are priceless. Our worth is beyond measure and what we can accomplish is simply one long adventure of joy and anticipation.

Singing Pilgrim said...

When my mom got cancer as a little girl, I developed a fear of death that gave me panic attacks (she survived, praise God)

When I was 16 I was suicidal. I now know God saved me, but at that point it was all I could do to see five minutes into the future, let alone step back and see God's handiwork all over the situation. But I can now.

In college, God delivered me from the fear of death that had crippled me in many ways since I was a child. O Death, where is your sting? Alleluia.