But life goes in cycles.. all of life. Some days, I am on top of the world. Other days, I struggle with negativity, fears, anger, judgment... But each day, regardless of how I feel about myself, I know one thing never changes: someone loves me. God's love has become very tangible in that Jesse's love for me is so enveloping... and yet, I know that God's love is far more perfect. The thought overwhelms me! I cannot comprehend the love that surrounds me. I don't understand. I don't deserve it. But, oh, I am so very, very thankful.
Perhaps there is someone out there who feels very low right now. I do not know the the darkness you experience. I only know that no matter how deep the pain or how fearsome the flashbacks or how negative I feel about myself, God... that presence beyond my comprehension... never leaves me. But it is only when I remember His love and look to Him that life starts making sense again. That's when I realize that living with fear and negative thoughts are not the way God wants me to live. Living in in joy and love is what He wants for us.
Here is something I've found myself saying lately: "I can't stand those people! They're so full of judgement and anger and themselves! They just can't accept people for who they are. I wish they would get their act together." Some irony there.... and a lot of hypocrisy. Feeling the weight of my faults and weaknesses was what made the guilt kick in lately. It is interesting how good things (regret) can be used both negatively and positively. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I despise hypocrisy! I hate it when people judge others, forgetting about the beam in their own eye. So, when it comes time for my eyes to be opened, I can despise myself and feel depressed (concentrating on myself) or I can just not be a hypocrite and get over my poor decisions (concentrating on others).
Some lessons must be learned again... again... and yet, again. :-) Again, I am so grateful for those who love me for who I am, the good and the bad.
Today, I worked at PharmaSave until the usual time, then came home to teach. I had one lesson today, but I taught for an hour... trying to make up for some lessons I have missed. I am hoping to be able to pick up some more lessons with other students, as well. Anyways, today's lesson went well! We were able to concentrate on five songs. Half hour lessons go by so fast! The songs that Savanna is learning are mostly songs that I really like. :-) Th at fact makes for some very enjoyable teaching and awesome inspiration.
Around 10 this morning, I received a phone call at work that they were calling back one of my students to play in the final concert at the Redvers Festival. Talk about excited. :-D One of her certificates is also getting upgraded. Then, I got a message tonight regarding my other student involved with the Festival: she's getting called back for another award as well. I am just thrilled. Positively pleased. :-D
As far as wedding plans are going... I believe the invitations are next but the guest list is also high priority. Ha. Obviously. Anyways.
I'm listening to The Marcels. I love them. They're my new favorite group. :-)
Anyways, my eyes are trying to shut now, so I suppose I should go to bed. Tomorrow is the first day of theatre. I am looking forward to it. I am also looking forward to seeing Jesse. Good night, peoples.